


twenty-four

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Actor Chanyeol, Alternate Universe - Actors, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, BaekYeol - Freeform, ChanBaek - Freeform, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, KaiBaek - Freeform, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Past xiuyeol, Writer Baekhyun, idk i'll add tags as i go, mentions of SeKai - Freeform, mentions of baeksoo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-02-11 21:17:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 83,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12944115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Twenty-four months was the deal they made.Two years, twenty-four months, a hundred and four weeks, sevenhundred and thirty days, seventeenthousand fivehundred and twenty hours.





	1. a video clip

**chapter one - a video clip**  

  
  


Time doesn’t matter. That’s just something that was to be figured out eventually. Don’t worry or fear too much, a rant about time isn’t coming your way, so don’t think of this segment as preaching to the point where you’ll have an existential crisis. But the whole ‘time is useless and a poorly constructed illusion’-idea is just a fact. Time doesn’t matter, since it’s a silly concept made up by people whose own existences were limited, and were over in a heartbeat. Time doesn’t matter, because some people don’t know what to make of it. Time is miraculous and fascinating in its own way, with its presence so fragile and weak, and denying that seems like a fool’s job. However, time allows you to spend it in whatever way you desire to, and that’s what’s so dangerous about it. As it allows you to do great things, it also allows you to waste yourself to the point where the time you once possessed will remain insignificant.

 

Chanyeol felt like he knew all of this better than anyone else, but maybe that’s giving him too much credit. But time was something he found himself quite stuck in whether he wanted to or not. Past and present, perhaps even the future limited his every move, as it did with everyone else as well. But he felt like he was particularly imprisoned. Maybe it was so, maybe it wasn’t.

 

And maybe he should’ve appreciated time when he had it in his control, when it was in his hands, maybe he should’ve used it properly.

 

But saying maybe time and time again won’t change anything.

 

And maybe that’s what made everything so painful.  


Maybe the fluidity of time was what made things hard and maybe, just maybe, everything deserved to get a punch in the gut via time.

  
  


  
Raindrops, cars driving by, wind howling, traffic lights changing, police sirens, laughter and various other miscellaneous noises was NYC in its full glory. All these things and more, yet he couldn't find it in himself to give a damn. He just wanted to sleep,  to fade into total darkness for a second or two and slip away. To simply escape the ugly world that was his reality.   


  
He let out a fast, ragged breath. His reddened eyes shot open. For the past three hours, he had been trying to fall asleep, failing over and over again to do so. Even if he did "fall asleep", he'd be half awake the entire time, still aware of his surroundings and instead of being in a calm slumber, he was simply pissed as ever. He decided it was time to stop trying to beat insomnia for the day and get up to face it.   
  
He rubbed his eyes, adjusting to the fragile, feather-like light that shone through the half-closed blinds that were falling apart. He was too lazy to replace them, so there they sat, awkwardly dangling downward. He got up in all his naked glory (sleeping naked was a habit of his), pulling on some underwear and a camo green hoodie.   
  
He searched for his phone, basically ripped it out of the charger upon finding it and checked the time. It was barely seven in the morning. Just great, mornings were great. Mornings were just harsh reminders about how no matter what you do, it all ends up back in the same situation, as sun rises and your worries come back. Because relief and safety were only temporary feelings.   
  
A loud groan escaped his mouth as he got up, feeling his back ache from the bad position he had been torturing himself in for too long. He checked his instagram, scrolling mindlessly and being careful not to like any posts.  People would try to draw conclusions as they often liked to do, more often ending up being wrong than not. Even if it was just a post about a damn cat. (Last time he made the mistake, he received a lot of... fun and not so fun direct messages.)   
  
He was smiling half-heartedly at a picture of a dog when his eyes spotted a loading video with a thumbnail picture that looked a bit too much like him five years ago.   


His heart rate was picking up speed, because deep down he had a feeling it wasn’t good. Of course it wasn’t good. Was anything ever good? Yet he dared to possess a hint of hope, not too big, not too small, but enough for him to not to die of suspicions.

  
He nervously tapped on the square, soon the sound of his (kind of high-pitch) voice filling the deserted, echo-prone room.

 

  
  
_He was sitting in a v.i.p lounge, a blunt in his hand, the neatly rolled intoxicant burning slowly and close to falling to the ground and a drink loosely held in the other.  His eyes were red and his voice coming out slurred. The place was dimly lit, but the facial features of the young actor could be seen clear as day. There couldn’t be any confusion of who the person was._ _  
_ _A boy stood next to him, trying to get  him to go home. He told him that he couldn't be served anymore, as he was too intoxicated already and it would be safer to go home. Chanyeol looked angry, about to slap the boy, hadn't it been for the strong grip of his co-actor, who was trying to drag him away by then._ _  
_ _  
_ _"Fucking f*ggot, get your whore hands off of me. You gay piece of shit,  disgusting cocksucker, don't ever touch me again, or I swear I'll fucking kill you."_   


 

  
The video cut off, leading Chanyeol to stand frozen in a shocked state. He had completely forgotten that he had ever acted like that. Ever. He couldn't believe he had said that to someone. Not even when he was clearly intoxicated. God, he felt terrible.   
  
He felt the meal he ate yesterday (an extremely filling poptart and a bottle of diet coke, very healthy) trying to work it's way up his throat.  Before he could see all the comments hating on him (he couldn’t blame them; he hated himself too), the sound of his phone buzzing was heard as a name flashed across his screen.   


  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
**MANAGER** **  
** **DON'T ANSWER** **  
** **  
** **ACCEPT** **|   DECLINE** **  
  
**

  


  
"What do you want, Hakyeon?" his deep voice asked. It was hoarse and croaky from all the "sleeping" he had done. He might've gotten around twenty minutes of sleep, at best. New personal record.   
  
"I presume you've seen the video. Get your ass in the office we have shit to talk about. Don't even think about not coming or I will personally castrate you, and you know better than to think I’m kidding," the man said icily, ending the lovely call, leaving Chanyeol no chance but to obey. His manager had always been very straightforward about these things, and he himself had always been very keen to avoid conflict.   
  
He pulled on some pants and a pair of sunglasses. Hakyeon had texted him and told him a car would be waiting for him. He really wanted the lanky actor there as fast and unseen as possible.   


  
Soon enough, Chanyeol was standing in front of a decently tall skyscraper, ready to hear Hakyeon's lecture on why what he did was wrong and how he had to swear he'd never do shit like that again.

  
  
Chanyeol huffed as he waited for the man in the lobby, getting stank looks from some of the vocally queer staff, and other decent enough human beings that realized he’d been a douche as well. He sent them an apologetic smile. He was so ashamed of his younger self, no doubt about it. Who wouldn’t be? His insides felt like jelly and his brain felt like cotton.   
  
As he was engaging in an awkward stare-off, the sound of Hakyeon clearing his throat cut off the competition (did that mean he lost?).   
  
"Come inside, you have some explaining to do," the pissed manager deadpanned, practically pulling the other man in and locking the door.   
  
"You've seen the video, I’ve seen the video. Now I'll give you ten seconds to explain yourself and then we'll talk about the consequences," Hakyeon stated, hands resting on the surface of his office table.   
  
"I don't know. I was dumb and young, not that that makes it any better. I don't know what I was thinking. It makes me sick, too. I don’t know what got into me. I’m sorry," Chanyeol muttered, switching on the cute-mode that he hated using, hoping he'd get even the slightest bit of pity from his manager. Not that he deserved it.   
  
"While it's sort of nice that you apologized to me, it doesn't count or matter at all. Because I’m not the one you should be apologizing to! Because that was a really shit thing to do and now we're going to all suffer from this. This is bad, Chanyeol. Really bad. I don't care if it was five years ago or yesterday, it's still terrible. It doesn’t change the fact that those words are hurtful and they’re used to degrade people. I hope you’re ashamed, I hope you lose sleep. In this is just the humane part, the other part is the part concerning your career. This is a huge dent on  your image and our image as a company. You do understand that you have to make a public statement, right? Or we could wait until all the fuzz dies out, but you'd still have a bad reputation and remain hated by many. So the way I see it, you'll be giving out a statement, okay?" Hakyeon rubbed his temples. When he accepted his job, he never thought he'd have to deal with stuff like that. He never saw Chanyeol as the type to publicly yell out slurs at innocent people. And the Chanyeol now wouldn't. The both of them knew that, Hakyeon knew the highlights and shadows of his story that lead him to become the shell of a man he had become.  But the Chanyeol five years ago was a completely different story. He was a mess that couldn’t be cleaned, but that wasn’t enough of an excuse.   
  
"I understand," Chanyeol nodded, fiddling with his long fingers. His head was starting to hurt and all he could think of was how much he deserved it. He deserved to hurt like the boy he had yelled at probably had.

 

“Of course there’s always the option of lying and saying it wasn’t you, but that’s not how we work. If you fuck up, you fix it,”  Hakyeon huffed out. Chanyeol didn’t dare to look him in the eye.  
  
"I know you're not homophobic, Chanyeol, but the rest of the world doesn't. They should know. We've done some research, and according to the survey we did, a big percentage of your audience is a part of the lgbt+ community. This means that about eighty percent of your fans would drop you if something doesn't get done.   
This being said, I think it would be reasonable or at the very least considerable for you to get a boyfriend. Of course that's only a fake one, contracts involved and all. Either you find one and bring him to me in the next seventy-three hours or I'll pick out one for you myself." And with that he walked out, once again not leaving any time for Chanyeol to oppose.   
  
Fake boyfriend it was, then.   


 

  
☾   


 

  
 Chanyeol kicked the ground, most of his anger aimed at himself and the rest at the entire universe in general. Just when his career was starting to get on the rise yet again, some old video pops up and ruins everything. It's frustrating, to have everything you worked so hard for to crumble because of your past.

  
And all he could think was how much he deserved it.   
  
An apology letter was already posted on all of his social media platforms, most of his fans understanding that he was no longer the same person as he was in the video. He loved his fans, he found them amazing and empowering. But sadly, everyone wasn't as amazing and understanding as his fans. Yet he didn't let that faze him too much, after all it was to be expected.   
  
A cigarette in his mouth, Chanyeol took a deep drag of the roll full of nicotine (and thousands of other chemicals). He thought about all the times he'd fucked up in life. How every single time before he had something or someone to rely on. Like another spelling bee for him to practice for or another morning to wake up to or seeing the sun again. But not now. Not this time. Now all he had to rely on was a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels, his cynical outlook in life, and his bed. Honestly speaking, it could be much worse.   
  
He felt like his brain got put into a blender, and the brain smoothie got fed to a dog who shat it out on a flower bench.   
  
He doesn't usually smoke, only when he's way stressed or feels like celebrating (only then he smokes cigars).     
  
Soon he found himself with only the butt of the cigarette left, stomping it on the ground before pushing himself off of the building he had been leaning on.   
  
His eyes scanned the crowd. No one looked remarkably interesting. Everyone looked grey. Everyone looked the same,  everyone looked like robots. Chanyeol shuddered at the thought, closing his eyes and shaking his head. Was he like that too? _You're not a robot, Chanyeol_ , he convinced himself. What was he then? Did he think he was better than everyone else?   
  
Just then a ring from his phone interrupted Chanyeol's existential crisis. He answered the call without looking at the ID, already knowing who it was. No one else wanted to contact him.   
  
"Come on, Channie boy, your time is up and I have a candidate or two here for you. Well, only one, so you’ll have to settle. Actually, he's not here yet, but I need you to show up beforehand so we don't look like idiots. Get your butt here in an instant," Hakyeon smiled through the sentence (Chanyeol could hear, he knew the other male too well), hanging up soon after.   
  
Chanyeol started making his way to the familiar building, mind still stubbornly in the gutter. He could've avoided all of this simply just by not being a dumbass. Wasn’t that supposed to be an easy task?   
  
He was cursing at his feet before he bumped into someone.   
  
"What the fuck, watch where you're going!" He heard a sudden annoyed voice and a long string of colorful cuss-words. Some of which he had never even heard before.   
  
He looked up, seeing a boy who couldn't exactly be called ugly. The word was the exact opposite of what he was, actually.   
  
What a cliché, how he found the one by bumping into him. Well, he could've bumped into anyone and be satisfied enough, so maybe a term like "the one" doesn't fit here. Since after all, isn't “the one” meant to be the one you love and cherish, the one you’re willing to protect all your life? This boy was just going to be the one he was going to stand, the one he thought was good enough.   
  
"Hey, I'm sorry, this is really crazy and most certainly very idiotic, but I'm going to need you to follow me and ask you to not hit me. I know you have no reason to trust me, but please? Cool, thanks." Chanyeol didn't even wait for a response, instead dragging the boy along, the shorter male struggling to keep up with his long strides.   
  
"Slow down, I have shorter legs than you!"the male complained, his wrist tight in Chanyeol's hold.   
  
"Oh, sorry," Chanyeol grinned out, loosening his grip on the other's wrist, but not completely letting go, as he was too afraid that he'd run off. To his luck, he didn’t.   
  
Chanyeol looked around, making sure no one saw him pull the male inside the tall building he had exited seventy-some hours before.   
  
Walking some more, Chanyeol guided them into the staff bathroom, locking the door.   
  
"Hi, I take what I said back. You may scream at me and slap and/or hit me now," Chanyeol breathed out, suddenly thinking about whether he brushed his teeth in the morning or not.   
  
"I won't hit you, but that's only because my friend likes your movies," the man shrugged, taking his wrist slowly back from the tall actor. He didn’t look all too excited to be standing there. Chanyeol didn’t blame him.   
  
"Oh, yeah, sorry," he said, referring to the wrists of the man. He felt bad upon seeing the red fingerprints present on the smooth skin. He frowned.   
  
"It's fine. Why did you drag me here anyway?" The male was leaning against the door, looking the taller man straight in the eye. Chanyeol gulped. How was he supposed to start explaining?   
  
"Well, I kinda need a favor? But don't worry, I'll pay you in return," Chanyeol replied, struggling under the intense gaze of the other.   
  
"Wait, hold up. Do I look like a sex worker to you? Because I'm not, and will be doing no such things, especially with a person like you- don't think I didn't see the video, Park! You sick pervert, you really are fucked in the head, I can’t believe you!" his temper was rising slowly but surely, and Chanyeol was just kind of standing there awkwardly.   
  
"No! Not at all! Listen, please listen to me. I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend, please, I'll give you five million dollars!" Chanyeol exclaimed, getting desperate. That might've been a tad bit over budget.   
  
"I'm not some fucking object to be bought, Chanyeol Park, and I won't have any more of this," the small feisty man sassed out, unlocking the bathroom door and marching out all in the course of a few seconds.   
  
"Wait, uh-" Chanyeol blanked. He had officially never felt so awkward before.   
  
"Unbelievable. You don't even know my name, and there you were so ready to give me five million to blow you!" Suddenly the man looked a lot scarier than he did when Chanyeol had bumped into him.   
  
"I wasn't bribing you to blow me-"   
  
"Who said anything about bribing? You were planning to bribe me?!"   
  
"No, what the hell? I just need you to fucking work with me here!"   
  
"You don't even know my name, Willis!"   
  
"My name isn't Willis you dumb turd."   
  
"Neither is mine but you wouldn't know that since you never asked. Willis."   
  
"Listen here you punk-"   
  
"Chanyeol! What are you doing in the hallway screaming at this lovely young man. Speaking of him, I see you've met the candidate I picked out for you. His name is Baekhyun and he assured me he'd be perfect for this job." Oh great, his life couldn't be more of a joke, could it?   
"Chanyeol? Are you paying attention? Let's get into my office to discuss the details!" Hakyeon said enthusiastically, the complete opposite of the other two males, who were actively trying to glare each other to their graves.   
  
He concluded that his life was in fact a joke.


	2. a contract

**chapter two - a contract**

  
  


  
  
Hakyeon was chatting off Baekhyun, putting his infamous small-talk skills to good use. Chanyeol just opted to look at the pair in displeasure, a scowl on his above average (appearance-wise) face.    
  
"So, Baekhyun, I believe you're perfect for this job and honestly the only person crazy enough to agree to this!" Hakyeon laughed, trying to pass off the facts he had just spoken as a joke. All of them knew it wasn't a joke though. Chanyeol could feel his uncomfort increase as Hakyeon started speaking yet again. The agony never ended!   
  
"If Chanyeol doesn't have any objections -which he shouldn't have, it's his own fault for not finding anyone else and getting us here in the first place, so I won’t let him even answer- we'll have to discuss the details of this deal." Chanyeol looked at the clock on the wall. It was too early to be making such decisions. Normally, he'd still be in bed, fighting insomnia and trying to convince himself he had a normal sleep cycle. The more he lit his mind wander off, the more he found himself missing his bed and the sensation of sleep.    
  
Baekhyun nodded, completely ignoring the mentioned actor who was glaring at the wall like it had just stolen his most prized possession. His inner disgust for the man wasn't really a secret to be kept from any of them, and the scowl on his face whilst watching the actor be immature just mirrored his feelings on the inside.    
  
"Baekhyun, I want you to feel as comfortable as possible, so this contract is negotiable up until the point where you sign it. I have a rough demo type version with me today, but I intend on completing it today and sending you the full document tomorrow for you to sign," Hakyeon explained, sounding like he knew what he was talking about, which was convenient since Chanyeol sure didn't.    
  
Baekhyun nodded, signaling Hakyeon to start explaining the first draft of the deal.    
  
"Okay, so, I was thinking this entire deal should be put into action in a few weeks. It would be suspicious if Chanyeol suddenly comes out and informs the world he's dating a man. No one will believe it, since the incident is still fresh in everyone's minds. So I suggest your first outing together takes place a few weeks from now, and your relationship will be publicly announced in a few months." Baekhyun nodded yet again, agreeing with the deal so far.   
  
"That sounds good, but what about the continuation from there? How long do we play a perfect couple and when do I get paid?" the petite man questioned, ignoring Chanyeol again as his eyes were only focused on the latter's manager.    
  
"I'm getting there, hold on. I think you should be together for the entirety of twenty-four months. That way it won't be suspicious. It would be very difficult to explain how you broke up a week after your relationship is announced to the public," Hakyeon explained, dreading the reactions of the two.    
  
"Twenty-four months? That's... quite a lot, Hakyeon," Baekhyun chuckled nervously, fiddling with his fingers. Chanyeol was confused. What could possibly make Baekhyun so nervous?   
  
"Think of it as two years, then.After all that's what it is. Two is a small number, a much more smaller number than what you will be receiving in reward. The deal is automatically in action the second you sign the papers," the manager informed, the actor still and unmoving in the chair next to his.    
  
"I think you should move in together as well, it would add to the effect, since couples in love do tend to live together," the man continued, earning a word of 'No' from the pair. He crossed off 'Moving in together??' from his notepad, softly nodding.   
  
"But is everything else okay so far?"   
  
"I don't know; the number you offered me earlier on the phone seems a bit small for all the trouble this causes me and the relationship I'm currently in. Do I even get to still date my current partner during this whole mess?"   
  
"I wouldn't encourage it, but it is your life after all. I'm not telling you to fall in love with Chanyeol, God no. I need you to fake a relationship with him and make it look believable. And I believe it would be better if you'd break things off with your partner. But that's simply a suggestion." Hakyeon looked at Baekhyun sympathetically, a small frown on his face. Hakyeon knew something Chanyeol didn’t, and it annoyed him. He deserved to know too. But of course, he’d never admit he was interested.   
  
"I'm still not sure. What are the rules to this relationship?" Baekhyun asked, glancing at Chanyeol for the first time after the incident in the hallway. Their eye contact was brief, but enough to make the situation that much more uncomfortable.   
  
"Well, I don't advice for you two to get too emotionally involved with each other, but your act as a couple has to be believable. After this deal is over, I need you two to never contact each other again. Your break-up will also be as non-dramatic as possible, so that Baekhyun gets minimal to no hate. In other words, in your personal life you're strangers, but everytime you step out the door of your apartment, you belong to each other. Under my supervision, of course. So, Baekhyun what do you say?" Hakyeon was hopeful, and didn't try to hide it. He didn't see the point in trying to do so.    
  
"I have to say that this whole thing is fucked up and that I can't help but to despise Chanyeol for his words. But I'll accept the deal," Baekhyun said. Chanyeol let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.   
  
"Great! I'll start on the paperwork-" Hakyeon's excited babble was cut off, "But only if you double the amount of money I get and help me publish my book."   
  
A moment of silence passed. Hakyeon was clearly weighing the pros and cons. He had read some of Baekhyun's work, and he had to admit, the text the man wrote was anything but bad. Straightforward, but pleasant to read nonetheless.   
  
"All of that can be easily arranged. Thank you, Baekhyun for everything, I don't know what I would've done without you!" Hakyeon smiled, still remaining professional. Baekhyun smiled and waved Hakyeon goodbye as he left the office. All the while Chanyeol didn't utter a word. 

  
  
☾   
  


  
Baekhyun opened the door to his apartment, huffing in annoyance. He plopped down on to the couch, only to find out a figure was already there, under a pile of pastel colored blankets.    
  
"Hi, sweetie, I'm back from the meeting!" Baekhyun tried to fake an enthusiastic tone, although he knew he'd never fool his all-too-knowing partner.    
  
A head popped out from the blanket pile with a frown.   
  
"Oh no, what did you agree to," the owner of the head questioned, fully coming out of the blankets this time.   
  
"Please don't be mad when I say this and know that I love you, but I agreed to date an actor for two years. Starting tomorrow. Or in a few weeks, I'm not that sure, his manager didn't specify when I'd start being his fake boyfriend but yeah, it's happening," Baekhyun rambled, not daring to meet his lover's eyes.    
  
When no response was heard, he decided to glance at the other, immediately regretting his decision when he saw the look on his partner's face.    
  
"K-Kai? Are you mad at me? Please say something, baby, I'm getting nervous," Baekhyun nervously laughed, but he was a wreck on the inside.    
  
"Does this mean we'll break up?" Kai asked, voice cracking towards the end of his sentence. Baekhyun had never seen his boyfriend so sad, and he felt awful knowing he  was the reason behind it.    
  
"No, no, sweetheart, never. Oh, God, I'm sorry I put you in this messy situation," Baekhyun muttered, pulling Kai into a firm hug. He squeezed, holding on tight in fear that he’d disappear.   
  
"But won't it make you look bad if you're dating two people at the same time?" The tone of his voice broke Baekhyun's heart even further. He felt like he had gotten punched in the gut repeatedly with a stick decorated with sharp spikes.    
  
"I guess we'll just have to keep this on the down low for a bit then. But after the two years is over you and I are going to live life to the fullest, okay? With the money I get from the deal and my book possibly getting published, we don't have to worry about money anymore. We can move out of this shit hole and we can finally afford the surgery for your knee. We'll be fine and better than ever, okay, baby?" Baekhyun hadn't noticed he'd been crying until Kai reached out his hand to wipe away the older boy's tears, and switched their positions so that Baekhyun was laying in his lap comfortably.    
  
"Mhmm," the tan man smiled, kissing the tip of his boyfriend's nose.    
  
Baekhyun should've felt bad about the amount of money he was going to receive, but not an ounce of remorse was felt. He felt like after all the name-calling Chanyeol had did, he should be punished. And maybe Baekhyun could do that. In the most non-sexual way. In more of a sibling way, maybe. He had to learn his lesson somehow.   
  
"Aren't you jealous of him though? For the next two years he'll get to be public with me. Aren't you worried that I'll fall for him?" Baekhyun couldn't help but ask, even if it would cause damage to their relationship. He had to know.   
  
"Of course I'm jealous. He'll get to present you to the world as his, he'll get to kiss you and hug you in public. But at the same time I’m not. I trust you, and I know that at the end of the day, I'll be the one you come back home to. I'll be the one kissing you and hugging you. I'm the only person who can make you feel the way you do." Kai threaded his fingers through Baekhyun's silky black hair. "And what comes to falling in love with Park. Are you planning to do that?"    
  
"No," Baekhyun didn't dare to waste a second saying the single word, and nothing could've made Kai happier.   
  
"Then I have nothing to worry about," Kai grinned, stealing a quick kiss from the smaller man. "But if you do end up falling in love with him, just tell me and I'll leave the two of you alone. I want nothing but your happiness, I always have. Don't lead me on and hang on to something that is doomed to vanish. I want you to always be loved, whether that's by me or some other man. You deserve the world, baby, and I'll try my hardest at giving it to you, but if I can't, I won't blame you for falling." Kai finished his speech, a smile on his smooth lips. His eyes held nothing but sincerity and Baekhyun felt his eyes moisten again.   
  
"You stupid bear, don't stay stuff like that, I'm gonna cry again!" Baekhyun whined, hiding his face in his boyfriend's chest.    
  
"Sorry, sugar," Kai laughed, nuzzling his nose in the small man's hair.    
  
Baekhyun cuddled further into the giant, sniffing his neck slightly. And they just stayed like that in utter silence, in each others' arms, hoping that two years would pass by as fast possible.   
  
"Did you know that when someone calls another person a pussy they're actually using the shortened version of the word 'pusillanimous', which means 'timid' or 'cowardly'," Kai suddenly said, making Baekhyun burst out in laughter.   
  
"That was so random, where did you get that from?" he said, holding back a series of giggles.   
  
"Tumblr. Sometimes I have a lot of freetime before you come home, since sometimes my boss lets me out early. I've actually learned a thing or two on there," the smiling goof of a man informed, his hands sitting securely on Baekhyun's hips.    
  
"You do know that half of the things on there aren't true at all,"Baekhyun snorted, lifting his head to look his lover in the eyes.   
  
"Let me live in my Tumblr fantasy world, Byun," Kai joked.   
  
"Why would you want to live in a Tumblr fantasy world when you can live in reality with me?" Baekhyun said in an exaggerated gasp.    
  
"Because sometimes I'm convinced you're too perfect to be real," the other man stated with that infamous lovestruck look in his eyes.    
  
"Come on, Kim you're getting all cheesy on me now, I am disgusted," Baekhyun gagged in fake disgust. He'd never let Kai know he loved it when the other used his corny lines on him, since it would only encourage him to use the lines more, and no one deserves to live in the neverending world of terrible pickup lines.   
  
"Hmm, I know you still love me though," Kai said, dismissing the older's gagging.   
  
"Yes, I do. I love you to the moon and back, Jongin," Baekhyun smiled, using his boyfriend's real name, which obviously touched the other.    
  
"That was adorable. I love you to the sun and back, because that's a longer distance and sometimes loving you can be bright and scary and burn me, but I'll always come back to you."    
  
And that was enough to have Baekhyun crying for the third time that evening.    
  
If only they had cherished their time together more. 


	3. an outing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More updates coming after I'm done with all the tests (even though I should've been studying while writing this whoops)

**chapter three - an outing** **  
** **  
** **THREE WEEKS, FOUR DAYS**   
  


  
  
  
  
It had been roughly three weeks since Baekhyun had signed the contract, hence having officially agreed to date Chanyeol. Ever since, he had taken up apologizing profoundly to Jongin, giving him little favors, and being clingy as ever. It's not like the other minded though, if anything he was glad Baekhyun was still his and wasn't afraid to show it. He wasn't sure how long they could continue to be that way without being disturbed. Dating a celebrity, whether it was fake or not, meant your privacy was going to be intruded as well. And that was something the actual couple weren't really looking forward to with much glee.   
  
"Morning," Baekhyun mumbled, eyes still closed upon waking up, snuggling up to his real-life body pillow. His nose grazed against the crook of his lover's neck, taking in a sniff of his natural (yet chemically enhanced) scent. He loved the way Kai smelled. One sniff of the man alone could be enough to save the day, week, or even an entire month. He smelled of cologne, shampoo and just the tiniest bit of cinnamon. Although that could've been because of the deodorant, since he liked buying the holiday-themed ones. And Baekhyun absolutely loved it.   
  
"Good morning, sleepyhead. I'm going to have to get up now, get ready and leave for work, but I thought I'd wait for you to wake up first," Kai smiled, ruffling the sleepy man's already messy hair as if he was a dog or something.   
  
"Seriously, what have I done to deserve you. Did I save the entire country- scratch that, the entire galaxy in my past life or something?" Baekhyun whispered, completely woken up, eyesight finally unblurred and drowning in the ethereal beauty that was his boyfriend. It didn't help that the sun shone through the window and illuminated the younger's face so that he looked like an actual angel.    
  
"I can't believe you stick with me, even when I literally sign a contract to be with another man for money," he continues, " And I know it's a slutty thing to do, but I just want to help however I can and I know we've been short on money lately and I just want us to not have to worry about this shit. A-and I want you to know, that when I wrote my name on that paper I did it purely for us."   
  
Jongin frowned. "Baby, you're not a slut, that wasn't a slutty thing to do. Please don't describe yourself like that ever again. I'm not happy that you did this, especially without discussing with me about it first,  but you're a grown man and I trust you to make your own decisions," he said, trying not to sound too much of a dad. Baekhyun smiled just a little, throwing his arms around Jongin's neck.    
  
"Just think of what you're doing with Park as acting. He's acting, you're acting, it's a small play, and the world is your oblivious audience, yet the only claps you'll receive will be from me and Hakyeon. I trust you, and I have no doubt that after whatever you'll have to do with him, you'll come back to him." Dear God, why is Jongin so perfect?    
  
"I love you, and I know that I don't deserve you and that you deserve someone better, but damn, I'm too selfish to let you go," he whispered, pulling back immediately after and then proceeding to tell him to get ready for work.    
And Kai did just so, but not before declaring his love by stealing a passionate kiss.   
  
  
Baekhyun was bored, using Jongin's laptop to play games online to kill the time he had during the wait for the owner of the laptop to come home.    
  
He was playing Tetris with poor success when his phone made a sound similar to a xylophone. Jongin had changed his ring and notification tone, and he didn't know how to change it, so he had let it be. Besides, it was kind of cute. That was on the long list of things he'd never admit to Jongin Kim.   
  
His eyes skimmed through the text displayed on his screen, as he nodded slowly to himself.   
  
The deal was more or less officially in action.    
  
Thirty minutes later, Baekhyun stood outside his building, waiting for Chanyeol to arrive so that they could go on with their outing. All Baekhyun wanted to do was sleep, and possibly watch a tv-show he was really into as of lately, but a deal was a deal and he was getting paid.    
  
After five minutes of standing outside in the chilly air, Chanyeol strolled to his side, a pair of sunglasses sitting on his face.   
  
"Come on, Park, let's get this over with," Baekhyun said, reluctantly taking Chanyeol's hand in his. The latter just stared at the smaller male for a split second before properly lacing their fingers together.   
  
Baekhyun didn't comment on it.    
  
"How do you know this is going to work? Will people even recognize you?"he asked in a hushed tone, careful for any bystanders that might hear. That would've meant kissing goodbye to Chanyeol's career and Baekhyun's check. Gosh, that sounds like he's only after the money, doesn't it? If not money, then he's also gaining a whole lot of experience. Whether it's the more negative or positive type, he hadn't quite decided yet.   
  
"Yes, I'm sure. Some of my fans can literally recognize me by the tip of my ears, I don't think a pair of sunglasses will fool them," Chanyeol said with pure annoyance.    
  
"Okay then," Baekhyun sighed, walking alongside the tall actor who seemed to be in his own world at the moment. He couldn't say he wasn't annoyed, but at least be tried to hit his annoyance, unlike the other.   
  
"Can you at least try to pretend like you don't hate me? You're an actor, aren't you? So act like it- no pun intended, although I think that's funny and I'd appreciate it if you laughed, even if it's just to boost up my ego," Baekhyun tried to joke, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears. Chanyeol did seem to take his advice though, and soon enough a bright smile was plastered on his face, almost too bright as if to mock the other.   
  
Baekhyun ignored it.   
  
"We're going to get coffee, maybe stroll around in the park, and maybe go to the arcade if we're still up to it. Does that sound okay for a date?" Chanyeol asked, seeming like a nervous school boy. But Baekhyun knew it was all an act just in case someone decided to start listening to their conversation .    
  
"Yeah sounds fine," Baekhyun nodded, brushing his bangs away from his eyes with his non-occupied hand.    
  
"No, I'm seriously asking, I've never been the type to do dates or shit, don't think I've ever been on a proper one. Maybe back in sixth grade, but we just went bowling and we sort of just agreed to stay as friends. It's a shame though, he was really a cute twelve year-old boy with braces and a unique style, if I remember correctly. It's funny how he agreed to going out with me, seeing how I was awkward and liked ferrets."   
  
Baekhyun found himself in shock after listening to Chanyeol's revelation. Chanyeol was gay? Or was this a background story he had come up with Hakyeon for situations like this? If so, his agency really did think about everything.   
  
"I know what you're thinking, how could he say all those things about gay people if he himself was a homosexual?"   
"Did you just say homosexual so casually in a sentence,  who even says that, just use the word gay, its shorter anyway. Hey that rhymed-"   
"Shh... I'm not finished yet, listen to me. I have an excuse; I was high off my wits. I think,  I don't remember. Not only that, but I was working through some... personal stuff. And I know it doesn't make things better, but I'm not homophobic in the slightest."   
  
Baekhyun grimaced at the straightforwardness, but he didn't know what he had expected.    
  
"It's... fine. I'll forgive you,  you were pretty young and reckless, too, weren't you?" It wasn't like Baekhyun himself was a saint, especially in the situation he currently was in.    
  
"Thanks, Baek. Now let's get coffee, I want caffeine in my body," Chanyeol smiled, and if Baekhyun wasn't hell-bent on staying faithful, his knees would've buckled at the sight. That's the effect the actor has, Baekhyun found. He couldn't help but feel guilty, though. He wondered, what was Jongin doing?    
  
  
  
"Oh my God, that's hilarious, I'm gonna die, that's too funny, " Chanyeol wheezed a breath of laughter, an unamused Baekhyun drilling holes into the back of his head with his eyes.   
  
"It's not that funny, Chanyeol," the man argued, feeling mortified.    
  
"Yes it fucking is, Becky," Chanyeol roared out in laughter. Baekhyun wanted to smack the man, and if the man wasn't intending on stopping, he might've just had to do that.    
  
"I hate you. How come they spelled your name right,  yet they got mine so awfully wrong?"the shorter of the duo questioned.    
  
"I mean Becky does sound awfully efficient. I'd let Becky do my paperwork," Chanyeol snickered, loving the feeling of having the ability to be on the upper hand.    
  
"Shut up, Willis," Baekhyun countered back, the actor scrunching his eyebrows together in amusement.    
  
"Really? You're bringing back that cringe-worthy nickname? Wow, Becky, I'm feeling oh so very insulted," Chanyeol said monotonically, sipping on his latte.   
  
"Live with it, my dude. Now, are we going to the park or not? I feel like I just got injected with caffeine and if I can't put that energy to use I'm going to burst,"Baekhyun informed, grabbing the taller's hand like it was the most casual thing ever. But it wasn't. And he couldn't help but want to hold someone else's hand. To feel the warmth of someone else. But it was his own fault for getting in such a mess, and he was going to deal with it like a man.   
  
The pair headed over to the park, observing the running children and chatting people amongst people doing many activities.    
  
The trees were coated with a soft pile of snow, looking like a soft veil of powdered sugar. The tips of their noses were turning red, as were everyone else's who had been outside for longer than five minutes.   
  
"Chanyeol, I'm cold. Should we just call this a day and go on our separate ways for now? Text me if you need anything- " Baekhyun didn't have time to finish his sentence when he was pulled into a firm chest.   
  
"I'm sorry, the paps are here and I can't let you go so fast. Besides, Hakyeon said I'd have to take you out for at least two hours, and it's only been forty minutes," Chanyeol muttered, only for Baekhyun and himself to hear. The both of them were pretty much sure they'd find their faces all over the gossip magazines tomorrow, but all that Baekhyun focused on was the feeling of cold in his toes and fingers.    
  
Chanyeol felt strangely at ease hugging the shorter, keeping him close and hoping to provide him the much needed warmth.    
  
Baekhyun pulled away, lips looking slightly blue. Chanyeol frowned. He had no idea it was going to be so cold.    
  
"You know what, if you're still up for arcade, then I'm all yours," Chanyeol said before he could stop himself. He had no reason to feel awkward over his suggestion, yet he did. Baekhyun was a man in a relationship and he was here, practically on a date with Chanyeol, just because the latter was dumb a few years back. It bothered him just a bit more than he would've liked for it to.    
  
"Okay, let's go to the arcade, then," Baekhyun simply answered. Their hands were still entwined.    
  
They hauled a cab, and after a long, awkward twenty-minute ride, they were standing in front of an arcade.    
  
"You know, I don't remember the last time I've been to an arcade," Baekhyun spoke up, looking at the sign on the window that said 'OPEN' in big, bold, green letters.   
  
"Well, life's all about the present, isn't it?" And without another word they entered the arcade. It smelled like sweat, heat and poprocks.    
  
But at least it was noticeably warmer than the outside world.    
  
"So, Baekhyun, what shall we do first?" Chanyeol questioned after having disappeared for a few seconds. He had gotten caught up looking at some kid playing pac-man.    
  
"I'd like to challenge you to a game of just dance!" Baekhyun announced, taking the taller by the wrist and dragging him to the dance machines. It's just acting, Baek, he reminded himself, Jongin's face flashing briefly in his mind.    
  
"I'm gonna beat you, watch out little man!" Chanyeol declared, seeing the song Baekhyun had picked out.    
  
Single Ladies by Beyoncé.    
  
It was a few minutes of screaming, laughing and moments spent near tears, but in the end they had a clear winner.   
  
"And you thought you could beat me, you suck at this game," Baekhyun snorted, seeing the score on his screen, comparing it to Chanyeol's. Yeah, the midget man had a way with his feet, which was something Chanyeol hadn't quite expected.    
  
They played a few more games before they decided their two hours was up, despite only having been together for an hour and a half.    
  
They were standing in front of Baekhyun's apartment, the sky now several shades darker than it had been when they  had left.    
  
"Thanks,  Chanyeol, I had fun," Baekhyun smiled, retrieving his slim hands from the other.    
  
"Me too. But don't get the wrong impression here, all that was acting. Well, most of it, anyway. You're a pretty cool guy, but don't expect that we're friends now just because we held hands for a bit. Anyway, bye Byun."    
  
Baekhyun felt dumbfounded as the actor walked away after placing a stealth kiss on his cheek (that was meant for the paparazzi that followed them after leaving the arcade) and disappeared into the night. Did he hear right or was his mind playing tricks on him?    
  
Did Chanyeol really just act to be his friend the whole day?   
  
He had no reason to feel the way he did. He wasn't necessarily hurt, but more shocked that Chanyeol was so talented at making someone believe every word he was saying, whether it was true or not.   
  
He'd keep that in mind.


	4. a book

**chapter four - a book** **  
** **  
** **FOUR WEEKS**   
  


  
  
  
  
Baekhyun felt helpless, just a few minutes away from throwing his visibly sticker-enhanced laptop at the wall. He couldn't type in a single word without feeling the need to make the text in front of his eyes better. Without feeling like it wasn't enough.    
  
He hadn't been contacted by neither Hakyeon nor Chanyeol, so he assumed everything had went pretty well. Or horribly wrong. There was no in between.   
A couple of articles had been written, some pictures released (most people were nice enough to blur Baekhyun's face out, which was nice) and so far people were taking the news of their favorite actor dating okay. But his job wasn't to make people love Chanyeol, his job was to not make people hate him further.   
  
He was considering this (sadly and surely) temporary loss of connection as a small writing vacation. It had been four hours since he turned on his computer, and only six hundred words were added to the draft he was working on. Although procrastinating played a huge part in the flaws concerning his creative process.    
  
Unsurprisingly, being a non-published author doesn't pay very well - to be exact, it didn't pay at all. And Baekhyun was painfully aware of that, but he didn't intend on staying non-published for too long. Especially when he was promised help to get his work out there. He had a book to write, and while the idea for it wasn't that original, he almost liked the way it was turning out. Some things really did bother him though, but he just blamed it on his self-criticism.    
  
Money wasn't an issue anymore, seeing as his monthly, generous payments had already started, which allowed him to drop some shifts at work and stay at home more. His job was nice too, so work wasn't exactly the hell some people had the inconvenience of experiencing.    
  
He tapped the keyboard in thought, not applying too much pressure for letters to appear on the screen. Although even gibberish seemed to be better than anything he wrote. At least to him.    
  
The book was originally supposed to be about him and Jongin. How they met, what went on and how a relationship moves along after the perfect first honeymoon-months.   
  
But now, that seemed too bland. No one wants to read that, do they? No one wants to read about small fights over socks and underwear left on the floor. No one wants to read about nights spent on the couch having movie marathons with barely any mention worthy conversation.    
  
He needed more drama to spice things up. But how would he do that? More importantly, how would he do that without using every cliche known to man?   
  
He tried to get his brain to birth some ideas, much to no avail. He scavenged himself a pencil and a piece of paper and started scribbling down random ideas. He frowned at the paper. So far it only read 'Whiskey? Turtles?? Pizza?'    
  
What is this, a rated Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan fiction? he thought to himself, biting back a laugh.   
  
Eyebrows scrunched up, he could see his computer turning off from the lack of battery power left. He was forced to face his reflection on the dark screen and spot the need to sleep in his eyes. Had he remembered to save the draft he had been working on? Who cares, it's a shit piece anyway.   
  
"Baek? What are you still doing up?"a grim voice asked, followed by a deep yawn. It immediately brought a small smile on Baekhyun's face. He (not so) secretly adored the other's sleepy voice.   
  
"I figured I'd get some writing done, I haven't gotten around to do it in a while, and I just wanted to see if I got any new ideas," Baekhyun answered, catching Jongin's yawn as well.    
  
"Oh, nice. Any progress?" Jongin proceeded to the kitchen, now drinking water, and Baekhyun watched the younger's mouth wrapped around the plastic bottle, the question nearly going unheard in the process.    
  
"N-not really. I did figure I should give up on trying to write romance. Or at least not focused the whole thing on love and shit. I feel more like writing something that makes you want to think. You know, a book that makes you think but doesn't give you an existential crisis. What do you think, Nini?" Baekhyun shot a lazy smile in the man's direction. He felt his eyelids starting to droop, but he refused to give in to sleep.    
  
"I think that sounds really good. Do what you want, I know you'll do amazing, like you always do! Also, since when have you called me Nini?" Jongin looked amused, yet he felt like a giant softie while looking at his sleepy boyfriend.    
  
"Since we started dating three years ago, nimrod," Baekhyun replied, stretching his limbs that were sore from sitting in the same position for too long. He looked at the ring on his index finger. A promise.   
  
"Hmm... I don't quite recall that, but it does sound nice. Very cute," Jongin remarked, almost teasingly.   
  
"Whatever you say, Kai," Baekhyun nodded, not really directing the gesture at anyone or anything in particular, and got up.    
  
"I'm ready to go to sleep now," he informed, causing Kai to look like he had just remembered something. In seconds he had Baekhyun scooped up in his arms, as they made their way to their bedroom. It was quite the view, but it was routine on occasions such as that one.    
  
Jongin placed Baekhyun down, tucking him inside the blankets.    
  
Baekhyun looked at the ceiling. So he wanted go write a book to make people think. But how does he do that without diving unnecessarily deep? What's a subject that isn't overly used and/or hard to write. How can he-   
  
"You know, one thing has improved amazingly since you accepted the deal with Park," the other male in the room (whose presence Baekhyun had completely forgotten) spoke up.    
  
Baekhyun slowly turned his head to look at Jongin, who had a sly smirk on his face. That could not mean anything good.   
  
"What is it, Kai?" Baekhyun asked, hoping he wouldn't have to regret asking that. He was now more tired than before, due to finally being on something softer than the armchair in the living room.    
  
"Our sex life." Regret was felt.   
  
"What the hell, Jongin that's so inappropriate!" Baekhyun whisper-shouted, as if to prevent someone from hearing, even though no one else was in the apartment. Not that he disagreed with Jongin's statement, if anything, he thought it was quite accurate. But saying it aloud was a bit too vulgar when he wasn't in the mood.   
  
"Well it really isn't, I've heard you say dirtier stuff before," the other shrugged, finally having it in him to crawl under the covers and cuddle the sleepy man.   
  
"When did you become so dirty-mouthed? I feel so betrayed, I'm dating a sex maniac," Baekhyun sighed exasperatedly, scooting a bit closer to Jongin, whose face was a few centimeters away from him.    
  
"Damn, Park's a sex maniac? Sucks for you, bro, you're on your own, my man," Jongin joked, but it made Baekhyun frown.    
  
"Kai... is there something we need to talk about? Don't bring him up, he's just work, nothing else. You know damn well that inside this apartment I don't belong to anyone else but you. Please tell me if you have something on your mind." Baekhyun suddenly didn't feel sleepy anymore.    
  
"It's nothing, just forget I ever said that. I love you and I trust you, " Jongin calmly said, pressing a chaste kiss on the small man's forehead.    
"And I hope you'll continue to do that."   
  
"Get some sleep now, I'll see you in the morning," he smiled, closing his eyes and pulling Baekhyun so that his head was placed on the taller's broad chest.    
  
"Good night to my handsome prince," Baekhyun sang out, smiling against the fabric of his lover's shirt. Oh, how everything was so perfect. So ideal, so homey. Love felt amazing, it felt like being able to breathe again after being in a stuffy closet for ages.   
  
"Stop that, I'm no prince. If anything, you're the prince and I'm your loyal servant," Jongin laughed out, pressing another kiss on top of the other's head.   
"Always down to love you and protect you." Why did he feel guilty hearing that?   
  
"But seriously, baby, get some sleep now. We can do whatever you want to tomorrow. As long as it's inside this apartment." For a second, Baekhyun was sure he could detect a hint of sadness in his boyfriend's voice. He felt awful. Yeah, he was getting a lot of money for pretending to be with someone else, but in real life, that act was starting to make things rough and crumble the relationship the two had worked hard on keeping together for as long as they had.    
  
"Okay. I love you, Jongin," he whispered, having no energy to lift his head to kiss the other man's lips , so he settled with placing a soft peck his chest. This made a small stifled giggle erupt from the tall man.   
  
"I love you, too. Good night." It didn't take long for them to fall asleep. And falling asleep together felt as amazing as always.

  
  
☾

  
  
Chanyeol was annoyed. And boy was he scary when he got into a mood like that.   
  
Somehow Hakyeon had convinced him into seeing his old psychiatrist again, now that his life was more hectic than before.    
  
His eyes scanned the room, glaring at the pretentious diplomas hung on the walls. They didn't change the fact that talking with a stranger was painfully awkward and caused anxiety to swirl up inside him.    
  
He hadn't been in the dusty yet neat office in three years. The last time he was there, he had ran out screaming with fury. So inevitably, coming back felt awkward.    
  
"So, Chanyeol, what brings you back after all this time?" the man behind the mahogany desk asked, a red apple in his hands. He isn't much older than Chanyeol, five years at most. And originally that's what annoyed him, he was fully grown and responsible, yet Chanyeol was still a brat.   
  
"Hakyeon," he replied shortly, face and voice lacking any type of emotion.   
  
"I see. So what's going on with you these days?" The man had placed the apple on the desk, and dug out a notepad and a ballpoint pen.   
  
"You've seen the news, you know what's going on with me,"Chanyeol scoffed, unable to control his tongue. He could've said that in a nicer way.    
  
"Yes, I've seen the news. But I want you to tell me yourself," the man insisted, ready to write anything the younger let out of his mouth.   
  
"Everything is fucking bullshit. Is that what you wanted to hear?" He felt like a teenager talking to his mom, yet he couldn't stop. He felt like a button had been pressed in his brain and he suddenly felt pissed at everything.    
  
"A less strong-worded way would've done the job too, but essentially yes, that's what I wanted to hear. Why do you think everything is shit, Chanyeol?" He knew he was only trying to help him, but he didn't feel like he needed help. He was fine.   
  
"Well, Dr. Richards, I don't know, maybe because everything is going downhill for me right now. I was an asshole in the past and now I have to face the consequences. But I don't want to. I want to run away somewhere. Somewhere where my biggest worry is being in the sun too long. I want to just rest for awhile. I want to be someone else than the actor Chanyeol Park. I want to be Chanyeol, the warm funny dude with weird ears. But that's too much to ask isn't it?" He let out a strained laugh, not daring to look his psychiatrist in the eye. He was acting like a brat, so why was he complaining?   
  
"It's fine to feel that way, Chanyeol. I understand,  you're famous and want your own space every once in a while.    
That's totally fair. But unfortunately, at this point in your career, everyone knows you. Your movie posters are everywhere, so your face is kinda hard to miss. But sometimes you do deserve vacation," Dr. Richards said calmly. The tone of his voice annoyed Chanyeol, he seemed too nonchalant about everything.    
  
"Yeah, I guess." Truth be told, he wanted to get home, strip and go to sleep. Talking required too much energy.    
  
"Chanyeol, I want you to start coming here monthly.  At first. Of course you're free to drop by if you feel like you need me. Let's say every month on the fifth? Let's start with those sessions and figure out what's going on in that head of yours!" Now he sounded too excited. But Chanyeol knew he was only excited about the large amount of money he was going to get.    
  
So he nodded, not giving much thought into it. Therapy only took his time, but it also took his mind away from other things.    
  
"Every fifth it is then. See you later, Greg," Chanyeol said, saluting the man before exiting.    
  
He left the building, when a sudden thought hit him.   
  
He needed to go grocery shopping. So he did. 


	5. an engagement

**chapter five - an engagement**

 

**1 MONTH, 2 WEEKS**

 

Chanyeol reluctantly opened his eyes, balancing on the thin line between consciousness and unconsciousness. The light shining through the slightly torn apart white curtains seemed weaker than usual. The brightness (or the lack of it)  nearly failed to wake him up, as he rolled around in his kingsized bed. He figured this was because winter was nearing at a dangerously fast speed, bringing darker days and colder weather.

  
  


Getting up was an even bigger task than it usually was, but he still somehow managed to power through it, soon all dressed up and ready. Somehow he felt like the day ahead would  be a relaxing one, with a slower tempo than usual. Not that he minded. Taking things slowly can often be the best option.

 

Lately his head had been a mess of lines that he had been studying religiously for his upcoming movie, music he’d been working on producing and the one and only true troublemaker who went by the name Baekhyun Byun.  

 

Chanyeol wasn't sure how to feel about the petite man. He wasn't sure whether he was extremely interested in him or desperately annoyed at his existence. On one hand, he seemed like a puzzle that he was eager to solve. And he was kind enough to help Chanyeol out too, even if he was an ass. But on the other hand, there was something about him that just ticked the actor off, yet he couldn't quite place his finger on what it was.

  
  


 Either way, he knew for a fact that if he wanted to survive the next two years with a good or at least stable mental health, the two of them had to get along. Good social relations help mental stability, right?

 

His phone then buzzed to show a notification from a game he had been playing, a text message displayed below it on the dimmed screen. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**MANAGER**

**DON'T ANSWER**

 

_ Remember that you have a magazine shoot in San Fran.  _ _ tomorrow _ _. Get your ass ready, we're leaving in a few (that's about 6) hours. Make sure to bring Baekhyun with you.  Don't provoke him, don't make him mad. If you mess this deal up I will quit. _

_ Xoxo, Hakyeon _

_ P.s change my name in your phone, I know you haven't yet  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It would be a lie to say that Chanyeol didn't groan out of displeasure. How was he supposed to get the man to come with him? Should he call? Or text? He could have still been asleep, and Chanyeol did not want to wake him up. He had no idea how the other was in the mornings, but to play it safe he decided that texting would be his safest bet. It's not like it was that early either, but again, his sleeping habits were still yet to be discovered by the other. 

  
  
  
  


**To: Byun**

_ We have to go to San Francisco. Well, only I have to go, but Hakyeon said to bring you too. We’re leaving in a few hours. If you're not ready by then, you're not coming. Bye.  _

  
  
  
  
  


Satisfied with the brief but throughout message, he pressed ‘send’, locked his phone, slid it into his pocket and walked into his kitchen, where he found himself a not-so pleasant (or pleasant, depending on the way you look at it) surprise. 

 

“Baekh- What the hell are you doing here? I literally sent the text ten seconds ago, did you teleport or something?” Chanyeol asked, showing the most emotion (horror, fear, confusion, the list goes on) towards the other he had in weeks.

 

“Hakyeon figured you'd either forget or not care enough to inform me so he called me like twenty minutes ago,” Baekhyun shrugged, brushing away a strand of hair that had found its way to cover his eye. Why had Hakyeon told Chanyeol to inform Baekhyun, then? Chanyeol dug out his phone, checking the time Hakyeon’s message was sent. Three hours prior. His mouth turned into an ‘O’ shape, and he aimed his line of vision back on Baekhyun.

 

Only then did Chanyeol take notice of the way Baekhyun had dressed, and changed in general in the timeline of two weeks they hadn't seen each other. His hair was a nice silver steel color and looked like a silver cloud. He almost wanted to run his fingers through it. Almost. 

His eyes were lined ever so slightly with eyeliner, but otherwise his acne-free face was left untouched.  He wore skintight  black jeans that hugged his sinful thighs and ass perfectly. Even Chanyeol had to admit that. As a top he wore a black dress shirt with tiny white elephants on it. Needless to say he looked good. But Chanyeol didn't miss the ring decorating his ring finger,  and he was sure it wasn't just something Baekhyun had found cute at the store and bought for himself. It looked fancy and expensive. He didn't recall him wearing it the last time they were together. He shook off the thoughts, looking away again. 

 

Chanyeol finally nodded, turning around to go back to his room. He lacked interest in holding up a conversation with the silver-haired man, so he saw no reason in sticking around for longer and making things more awkward. 

 

“Uh, where are you going?” Baekhyun spoke up, and all plans of disappearing into dreamland seemed to be crushed in that moment.  

 

“To sleep? We still have time before we leave. Besides, I don't have anything else to do, so why not?” He once again started walking to his room when a hand was placed on his shoulder.

 

He turned around faster than ever, silently glaring at the hand that was quickly lowered from its prior placement. 

 

“Oh sorry, I overstepped my boundaries, right? But I just wished that we could… I don't know,  be friends? Or at least on speaking terms. You know, not completely hating each other? If we're going to be stuck together, I guess we should get along,” Baekhyun explained, suddenly feeling out of breath and nervous. Why the hell was he nervous? 

 

“Fine. Let's start over then. Let's have a fresh start, I guess.” Chanyeol inwardly cringed at his choice of words. But they seemed to make Baekhyun smile, which (scarily) made everything better. 

 

“Yeah, I'd like that a lot,” Baekhyun smiled, the sight causing Chanyeol to feel a bit confused. Why was he being so nice?

 

And he wasn't exactly afraid to voice out his thoughts. 

 

“Why are you so nice to me today? You're saying sweet stuff, wanting to be my friend, and haven't even called me Willis today. Did Hakyeon double your pay or something?” 

 

Baekhyun's smile turned into a frown, the expression then continuing to develop into an angry one. If Baekhyun wasn't such an adorable person, he would've looked even more terrifying. 

 

“What the hell? Can't I be nice without you immediately assuming I'm after your dusty money. I mean sure, I'm doing this for money, but I have my reasons. I have a rent to pay, groceries to buy, a fiancé to spoil because he's absolutely perfect and deserves the whole universe- yes, I recently got engaged, not that you'd care-, and the list goes on. Can't I just be happy and try to get along with you at the same time? Tell me, is it too much to ask to try to be a proper human without getting questioned?” 

 

Chanyeol's mouth hung open for the second time during Baekhyun's visit. Only two words really stood out to him from Baekhyun's outburst. Fiancé. Engaged. Why did he feel sick all of a sudden? It must've been something he ate. Or forgot to eat.

 

“When did you get engaged?” he found himself asking. Curiosity was a hard feeling to resist.

 

“A week ago. We're getting married once all of this is over,” Baekhyun stated calmly, only then taking note of how he never removed his hand off of Chanyeol's arm. 

 

He quickly retrieved his hand and placed it inside his back pocket instead.

 

“Congratulations,” Chanyeol muttered, finally walking away from Baekhyun and making his way into his bedroom.

 

The only thing audible was the sound of a door being slammed close.

 

He fell back on his bed, his large hands cupping his face in frustration, agony and confusion.

 

Why did he feel like he got punched in the gut?

  
  
  
  
  


      “No yeah, I don't know why I said that. I just somehow felt the need to show him how much better I'm doing than he is,” Baekhyun spoke into the phone, needing to hear the comforting voice of his boyfriend. He really didn't appreciate Chanyeol's annoying comments either, which Baekhyun was glad about. Baekhyun looked at his fingers, smiling at the simple ring shining happily on his ring finger. Jongin had gifted it to him about a month before, on their three-year anniversary.

 

“It's not like it isn't true though, we did talk about getting married after this,” Kai said, noticeably out of breath. He'd been working out a lot, a bit too much, to Baekhyun's displeasure. His knee was weak and needed to get checked up again. Baekhyun was really worried. 

 

“I guess you're right. Does that mean we're officially engaged now?”  Baekhyun's stomach filled with butterflies over hearing the other man chuckle at his question. 

 

“Yes, baby, yes it does. Although if you’d ask me, we were engaged the second I saw your face.”

 

“Disgusting, you're getting cheesy on me, kiddo,” Baekhyun playfully announced. 

 

“Hmm, that might be true,” Kai admitted. “So you finally decided you'd wear my promise ring on the actual ring finger instead of your index,” Kai stated happily, and Baekhyun had no doubt he was grinning on the other line.

 

“Yes. I figured that I should, since I do love you a lot. I hope you do too. Otherwise this could get awkward,” Baekhyun stopped to listen to Kai’s (beautiful) laughter, “Anyway, back to Park - sorry for always complaining about him, by the way-, he's just an annoying brat I work with. That's the way I see it. He's a bit shady. I just want this to be over so we can get married properly,” Baekhyun whined, Jongin chuckling in response.

 

“I don't mind hearing you complain, it's relieving actually. Makes me sure you still love me. Why do you want to marry me so bad all of a sudden? Not that I mind, I actually find that adorable.”

 

“Stop, I feel embarrassed now. Don't I show you my love enough? Why does everyone doubt my sincerity today? I want to get married because I love you, baby bear!” Baekhyun giggled into the phone. 

 

“Please never say baby bear again that's so corny,” Jongin said, holding back laughter.

 

“We'll see, I'll come up with another equally bad nickname soon enough.”

 

“I'll look forward to that, then.”

 

“You better, baby,” Baekhyun said, trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible.

 

“Baby? That isn't even bad, I'm a bit disappointed, to be honest.”

 

“Oh, shut up, I'm not feeling particularly creative today.”

 

“Sounds like a you problem.”

 

“I hate you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

“Anyway, I won't keep you much longer, have fun in San Francisco! Bring me a souvenir or something. I love you a lot,” Kai said, a smile softly edged on his lips. 

 

“I love you a lot, too! Bye!” The phone call was cut off. Baekhyun turned around and was left staring at Chanyeol's room's door, hoping it'd swing open and they'd leave for San Francisco. He hoped that if they left faster, they'd be back faster, which meant he'd get to be with Jongin again. But that wasn't accurate to any degree, as no matter how fast they got there, Chanyeol's schedules could not be rushed. 

 

Baekhyun missed how the door was slightly ajar, a figure leaning against the kitchen wall, having heard most of the conversation. Baekhyun’s back was facing him, but in seconds they were locking gazes, neither of them speaking up. 

 

_ An annoying brat, huh? _

 

He was right, the day was slower. But definitely not relaxing. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was hard to write, I faced a block, not with the storyline but with my writing in general, but I'm back! I hope to update again soon.


	6. a trip

**chapter six - a trip**

 

**1 MONTH, 2 WEEKS**

  
  


With his eyes glued to the window, Baekhyun watched as the scenery before him flashed in a bundle, everything passing by in a blur.

 

He was sitting in a in all-black vehicle that he couldn't bother to remember the brand of. 

 

Chanyeol was sitting as far away from him as possible, earphones securely placed in his large (but adorable!) ears. He looked sleepy, but seeing as the airport was only a few more minutes away, falling asleep would be a dumb thing to do, so his eyes stayed open. 

 

So much for being friends, then. 

 

Hakyeon sat next to Baekhyun, striking up a conversation every once in a while, asking what he was looking forward to the most, whether he had been to San Francisco before and if he liked the beach. And if he did, did he go often? He really was gifted with the gift of succeeding at smalltalk.

 

Baekhyun didn't have the heart to tell him he was mostly looking forward to getting back home.

 

“Hakyeon, can I ask for a favor?” Baekhyun asked nervously, struggling to look the other man in the eyes.

 

“Yeah, sure, what do you need?” He popped a piece of chewing gum inside his mouth. 

 

“I was wondering if it was possible to get next month's payment now? All our money is kinda going to pay hospital bills- not that it hasn't before, but this time we have to go to a physiotherapist too- so we're running late with paying the rent and we hardly have any food left. I'm sorry to be asking so much, but we're struggling a lot now,” Baekhyun explained, voice quieting down towards the end of his sentence. It was all true, just the night before they had eaten Pringles for dinner, because it was all that was left in the cupboards. 

 

“I know how it is, don't worry. We could start paying your rent so you'd have one less thing to worry about. I'm really sorry about Jongin, you know. I hope they can get it in control,” Hakyeon said, smiling sadly. Baekhyun scrunched up his nose, not quite liking the way Hakyeon could state it so easily. Get it in control… but how soon can they do it? Immediately? Two years? If ever? 

 

“No need to go through all that trouble, just some financial help would be majorly appreciated. And… I hope so… too. I really do. Don't be sorry, it's not your fault in any shape or form,” Baekhyun sighed, a tired smile soon adorning his face. 

 

In the other corner of the car, Chanyeol faced his back to the pair, adjusting his earphones and cranking up the volume. He didn't want to listen to any more of Baekhyun's conversations. He was sure that if he did, he'd only get more hurt.

 

“You know, once Chanyeol filmed in San Francisco for four months! I was there for almost  the whole time, only flying back here for minor work stuff, but San Fran was so much fun! The staff on set were really nice too. This was around five years ago, maybe. Approximately at the same time as that video was filmed,” Hakyeon blabbered, a frown ghosting on his slightly wrinkled face. He wouldn’t have noticed them if he hadn't been so close. 

Baekhyun had never been more grateful that the older man was good at being social, and more importantly changing the subject. He wondered if the small wrinkles were because Chanyeol kept being difficult. He wouldn't be surprised if that ended up being true.

 

“When the filmings started, he was really happy, you know? He'd always smile, crack some jokes and make sure everyone on set smiled at least once in a day. We called him the Verified Sunshine of the set, since he never once failed to make someone smile. Even if the days were long and he felt exhausted, he'd still do his best,” Hakyeon said almost sadly. Baekhyun scrunched up his eyebrows, confused. What made him change so drastically? What happened in order for him to turn into a screaming homophobe?

 

“He was seeing someone at the time. They were happy from what I heard, so I didn't interfere. I didn't want to limit him and his life, and he seemed happy, so why not let him live a little? That's what I thought. What's wrong with happiness? It doesn't last for long, it’s dangerous, it leaves you wanting more, feeling like happiness is granted. If only I had stopped him from falling so hard, then maybe… “ He looked like he was in pain, and Baekhyun felt bad. What had happened for Hakyeon to be left so traumatised? Especially if this was about Chanyeol.

 

“As I said, he always smiled, but nothing compared to the wideness of the smile he had when he was with him. He always spoke about him with so much love and enthusiasm. But then… something happened… a rather tragic incident, and I don't think he ever fully recovered from that. He wasn't happy anymore. He looked like a walking corpse, talked only when he spoke his lines. He did his job, but that's all it became; a job. He didn't seem to enjoy himself like he did before. He just seemed like the shell of a man, I'd never seen him so broke before.” There was a long, dragged pause before he spoke again. 

 

“But that isn't my story to tell, he'll tell you if and when he wants to. For now, let's focus on getting out of this car, because we're here,” Hakyeon laughed out, unbuckling his seatbelt. Baekhyun knew Hakyeon had only been talking to kill time, and perhaps to ease the undeniable tension in the car. But however he looked at the story he was told, he couldn't help but feel confused. What exactly had happened? And why did he feel like whatever it was, even hearing it would be painful?

 

“Don't worry, we're flying first class, so no one will look at you weirdly,” Hakyeon assured the man as they started walking away from the car and into the airport. Baekhyun hadn't even thought about it earlier to be honest, but now he was grateful for the arrangements. He did not want to be ogled at just because he was sitting with the Chanyeol Park. 

 

“Go to Chanyeol now, you're in public. You'll survive, I'm sure. Fight through it, we'll talk more when we arrive. Bye!” and with that he walked off, leaving Baekhyun to go find a grumpy Chanyeol. 

 

He was sitting in the chairs by the boarding gate, already having been fast to go through security checking.

 

Baekhyun waited in line patiently, ready to go through security and get to Chanyeol. 

 

He put his things aside, walking through the gate when it started to make noise. Way to go! That definitely didn't make a huge scene! Honestly it wouldn't have been if his hadn't lately been on every gossip site imaginable.

 

An angry looking man came, muttered something and patted him down, looking at him with suspicion. Then his eyes spotted the earring on the man's ear. 

 

“Is that metal?” he asked, seemingly bored. Baekhyun nodded fastly, and the man let him continue his journey. 

 

Embarrassed and face flaming red, Baekhyun grabbed his backpack and waddled to Chanyeol, face hidden in his hands. 

 

“Oh, I almost didn't notice you. Wouldn't have if it wasn't for that scene you caused back there,” Chanyeol commented, looking up from typing furiously on his phone. Baekhyun guessed he was lashing out on Hakyeon.

 

“Ha ha, very funny. I accidentally kept a metal earring in. Not a big deal.” Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol, noticing how nice his outfit was. He was wearing ripped jeans and a green hoodie, a beanie covering his messy hair. The thing that ruined the whole outfit were the ridiculous wide with sunglasses. Baekhyun laughed inwardly but kept his comments to himself.

 

“Okay,” Chanyeol said, going back to his phone. Baekhyun stood in front of him awkwardly, as if waiting for permission to sit down.

 

“What are you standing there for? Are you waiting for an invitation or something? Geez, just come here,” Chanyeol chuckled, flashing a grin at him before pulling him to sit in his lap. Baekhyun felt shocked, but soon looped his arms around the tall actor's neck.

 

_ It's just acting _ .

 

Baekhyun's head comes to lay on Chanyeol's chest, eyes closed and body bundled together in a fetus position. 

 

Chanyeol wants to laugh at the sight, but doesn't. It's adorable, he thinks. 

 

Chanyeol's hands are draped lazily on the smaller’s waist, stopping him from falling to the airport floor. 

 

“Are you sleepy?” Chanyeol whispers into his ear, and it would be a lie to say it didn't send a shiver or two through Baekhyun's body. He blamed it on the suddenness of the act. 

 

He only nodded, snuggling more into Chanyeol without realizing it. Chanyeol felt something in his chest tighten,  but he shook it off. He had been feeling a little under the weather the whole day, and he wasn't quite sure why.

 

“Sleep then, I'll wake you up when it's time to get into the plane,” Chanyeol promised, smiling again, mainly for the few people who were snapping pictures of the unfolding scene. 

 

“Thanks, you're the best,” Baekhyun informed, a yawn escaping his mouth. It didn't take long for him to fall into a deep sleep. 

 

Chanyeol smiled, pressing a small kiss on the top of the man's hair.  _ It’s just for the cameras, for the fans. Not real, just acting.  _

  
  


He felt tired too. Just closing his eyes, right? Just for a few seconds…

 

He let his eyes close, resting his head on top of Baekhyun's. He was pretty sure he heard someone squeal, but he was too tired to care. He tried to fight it, but the need to sleep was overpowering. God, why was he always so tired?

  
  
  
  
  
  


Chanyeol woke up to Hakyeon punching him on the shoulder. 

 

“You idiot the plane is leaving in fifteen minutes what is wrong with you! Get up!” he whisper-shouted upon seeing Baekhyun was still asleep. He smacked Chanyeol once more and proceeded to enter the plane. 

  
  


Chanyeol sighed, trying to shake Baekhyun awake, much to no avail. He kept trying, but only received puppy-like whimpers in return.

 

“I'm going to leave you here if you don’t wake up,”Chanyeol threatened, trying to pry the other man off his lap.

 

“You can't,” he yawned, “do that. I'm… still on your lap.” 

 

Chanyeol rolled his eyes.

 

“Yes, I can see that.  So get off,” he grunted, trying to push him off.

 

“Just carry me then, Yeollie,” he yawned out, face hidden in the crook of his neck. 

 

“W-what did you call me?” Chanyeol asked, not sure if his ears were playing tricks on him.

 

“Is your hearing damaged from how loud you listen to music? You have a nice playlist by the way,” Baekhyun retorted, almost fully awake now but still refusing to move.

“And don't you like being called Yeollie or something? Then I should go back to calling you Willis. Come on Willis, let's go to the plane, I'm sure you're strong enough to carry me even if you have noodle arms.”

 

“Fine, call me Yeollie then, anything is better than Willis. And I do not have noodle arms,” Chanyeol said, a chuckle leaving his mouth. He smiled at Baekhyun, finally getting up to carry him.

  
  


_ Acting _ . The word echoed in both of their minds. That's all this was, so why did something feel off? 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Sitting in first class was certainly an experience. The seats were more comfortable, and easy to sleep in. 

 

“Chanyeol, can you stop snoring,” Baekhyun groaned, freshly awoken from his sleep due to the other's obnoxious snoring.

 

The actor was comfortably sleeping, having no idea how loud he was being. A woman glared their way, and Baekhyun could only apologize  profoundly. 

 

“Chanyeol shut up!” he groaned, banging his head on the giant's chest. Having no other option, he slowly looked up, mumbled a silent “sorry” and forcibly closed his mouth, pinching his nose in the process. He made a terrible sound before waking up and glaring at a sheepish-looking Baekhyun.

 

“What the hell, dude?” he hissed, eyes drilling holes into Baekhyun's soul.

 

“You were snoring too loudly, I had to wake you up,” he shrugged, getting comfortable in his own seat. 

 

“Okay then. Why aren't you sleeping?” Chanyeol decided to drop the previous subject.

  
  


“I don't know, I find it hard to sleep alone after sleeping together with someone almost every night for the past two years,” the silver-haired man explained. He could only wish he didn't make himself out to be too big of a wuss.

 

“Oh, okay then,” Chanyeol nodded, leaning back on his seat. 

 

A silence set between them, the atmosphere not exactly awkward but not completely comfortable. 

 

“Do you… Are you tired?” Chanyeol asked after a while.

 

“A bit, why?” Instead of a proper answer, Chanyeol took Baekhyun by the waist and sat him down on his lap.  _ Acting, acting but almost no one is looking. Is he playing it safe? What is he thinking?  _

 

Baekhyun looked at the taller confusedly, eyebrows scrunched, his lips forming a slight pout. 

 

“Just sleep,” Chanyeol advised,  wrapping his arms around the other for the second time in the course of two hours.

 

Soon the both of them fell asleep, safely  in each other's arms.

  
  
  



	7. a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm back w/ my bullshit  
> from now own the length of my chapters will be twice as long, but a bit less frequent for that same reason  
> i hope u can forgive me  
> enjoy

**chapter seven - a friend**

 

**1 MONTH 2 WEEKS**

  
  


More often than not, going to sleep was extremely relieving in every possible aspect  for Baekhyun. If not in real life, than at least in his dreams, he could be a happy man with a perfect life, a perfect job, perfect mindset, and a perfect family. In his dreams, he wasn't bothered by people who needed him for whatever non-important secondary reason, or pressured to make enough money to live an average to comfortable life. In his dreams, Jongin was as healthy as ever and  was always surrounded by all the love and support he deserved and needed.

In his dreams, the word ‘responsibility’ held absolutely no meaning, had no weight, as if a baby had mumbled it out, not even themselves knowing what it meant. It was merely a whisper the wind blew away like it was a collection of the most useless syllables mankind had ever uttered.

  
  


Dreams were funny. Well, maybe funny is a word incapable to describe dreams.  _ Bittersweet  _ could probably give a better understanding on the torment dreams could cause. He didn't exactly have anything against dreams. Dreams were fine, as long as you didn't get delusional.

They gave a false assumption of what reality could be at its finest. They made a promise near impossible to fulfill. It lulled one into the world of sunshines and rainbows, where worries simply failed to exist and your biggest worry was to simply be. Sure, dreams were nice and soft, easy to live with and just silly things people never had to speak about if they chose not to. Dreams were also incredibly dangerous. Dreams allowed people to harbor hope, glee and too much happiness. After all, only a certain amount of happiness was safe, since once the thin line between safety and danger had been crossed, one would be at the peak of their vulnerability, with little to no chance of returning. What if a dream turns into a nightmare?What if terror comes in disguise? Does hope save you when a unicorn turns into a demon?

  
  
  
  


Baekhyun was carefully shook awake by a friendly flight attendant (named Joy, according to her name plate. She was a very nice lady with straight, white commercial-like teeth and flaming red hair) , who told him they'd be landing in fifteen or so minutes and that he'd have to go back to his assigned seat and put his seatbelt back on. 

 

And he tried to do that, he most definitely did, so at least give him credit for that. But a certain someone had wrapped their arms around him  _ too _ tightly, making it sort of impossible to just simply wiggle his way out and sit around like nothing happened, which would’ve been the ideal scene for Baekhyun. 

 

“Chanyeol, could you please let go of me?” Baekhyun murmured, trying to pry the mentioned man’s definitely-not-noodle-like-arms off of him. Baekhyun felt like if he didn't manage to escape Chanyeol’s iron hold soon, he'd be nastily sweaty once he would've somehow succeeded at the task. 

 

“Sorry,” the actor said groggily, letting his arms drop off to his sides, simultaneously releasing Baekhyun from his stern hold. Baekhyun let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He was still tired from having just been woken up from a deep (yet poor quality) sleep. He felt uneasy at how comfortable he felt in Chanyeol's arms. Was it dangerous for it all to feel so natural? It's not like he was falling in love, they were just sleeping. Just resting their eyes together. So why was he feeling so guilty?  _ It's just acting _ . Acting, he found, as a word became his least favorite. 

 

The elephant-shirted man nodded, sitting back down on his own seat. He pulled out his phone, searching hastily for the camera icon and switching on selfie-mode. He felt the need to check his eyeliner, which was a reasonable task to do, seeing as he had made the mistake of sleeping with said product layered on his eyes. He hoped he wouldn't go blind later on. Much to his surprise, his make-up was only a tad bit smudged, but it was nothing he couldn't fix with water from his bottle that the airline provided and a paper towel from the toilet. Definitely worth the insane amount of money (for an eyeliner) he spent that he didn't want to even think about.

 

Everyone in the plane was more or less awake (not counting the babies and children, thank god, that would be a real screamfest), getting ready to land in their own ways, yet the atmosphere still remained quiet. Perhaps none of the passengers happened to be in an exquisitely chatty mood. Baekhyun's mind jumped to Hakyeon, who could upkeep a conversation with a cactus. He smiled at the thought of Hakyeon asking a cactus about its day.

 

“When are we landing?” the taller of the duo asked, still struggling to wake up completely. His voice sounded hoarse, yet that wasn't what threw Baekhyun off. Instead, he was left shocked at the intense eye contact the actor had searched upon asking the question. 

 

“In fifteen minutes, I think,” Baekhyun replied, busying himself with untangling his awkwardly messy pile of earphones. Chanyeol nodded,  increasing the volume of the song he was listening to. The eye contact had been dropped, the fifteen-second happening placed into the category of ‘never-to-be-talked-about-again’.

 

The sun was shining brightly like a really intense, newly changed light bulb, sitting on top of the painting-like clouds, making Baekhyun smile at the almost surreal sight. It felt like he had been dropped into a fantasy book, and if he tried hard enough, the walls of the airplanes disappeared, and he was sitting on a dragon, ready to become the main character of this adventure. The scene was his to hold, his to treasure and others’ to figure out and forget. It was a glimpse of hope he’d hold close to his heart in the times he didn't know what to feel. 

 

The sun stared at him as if they were long lost strangers. 

 

_ I love you to the sun and back, because that's a longer distance and sometimes loving you can be bright and scary and burn me, but I'll always come back to you. _

 

Baekhyun closed his eyes, feeling his chest tighten upon remembering those words. Those words and the person who spoke them so perfectly. He wondered what his lover was doing. Whether he was breaking apart from giving him up to be with some annoying but handsome stranger. Or was he was happily waiting for his souvenir? Happy being alone. He really didn't deserve someone as perfect as Kai, he was sure of it. But he was too selfish to let go.

 

_ But what if one day, you’ll come back and a supernova has occurred? When there’s nothing left to hold onto expect a faint memory of how it used to be? When the light has finally faded, when you find yourself rather leaving than coming back and burning from the remainings of the mess the explosion made.  _

  
  


The fifteen minutes passed by quickly just like that, the clouds passing by and the sun shining as brightly as it could. He felt like it was a sign that the trip would go well. He wondered if the sun ever got tired of shining. Did the sun ever feel tired? Did the sun know how beautiful it was? Did the sun keep shining to not be selfish?

 

Did the sun have a torn apart heart, too?

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Dear Passengers, we have arrived at the international airport of San Francisco. The time is three thirty p.m. local time. Thank you for flying with-” the pilot’s voice  in the intercom went unheard by Baekhyun upon hearing Chanyeol’s words.

“Do you have your bag with you?” Chanyeol's voice drowned out the hassle coming from the other passengers, and Baekhyun found himself nodding softly. 

 

“Should we go find Hakyeon?” he asked, his long fingers tugging off his black earphones.

 

“Knowing him, he's probably looking for us at this exact moment,” Chanyeol answered, not bothering to remove his own earphones. Baekhyun only nodded, not in the mood to pursue a conversation on the topic. Plus, his minimal, limited amount of knowledge on Hakyeon was not enough to confirm or shoot down the statement. But from what he had picked up so far, he could only agree.

 

He found out Chanyeol was right when Hakyeon rushed to the pair, grabbing both of them by their hands, like some sort of kindergarten teacher.

 

“Come on now, children! We're going straight to a friend of mine who agreed to let us stay with him. The hotel we were supposed to stay at turned out to be fully booked. Even though I made a reservation, we couldn’t squeeze ourselves in. But since I couldn't be there in time to get us the keys, the rooms were given to someone else. The fully booked thing confuses me, by the way. It isn't even the vacation season why are there so many people staying in San Francisco?” Hakyeon spoke as he started making his way out of the plane, dragging the two fully grown men along with him. It was an amusing sight, to say the least. The trio definitely got some eyes on them, as a relatively tall man dragged a tall man and shorter one behind him like he was their guardian, willing to do anything to protect them. All of them looking like they came straight from a magazine didn't help either,  and neither did the fact that Chanyeol was a well known actor by then.

 

The hotel being fully booked could easily be considered as the second misfortune of the trip, with the first one being the Metal Earring-incident.

 

“Who is the guy we're staying with anyway?” Chanyeol asked once they were out of the plane and ready to leave.  His arrival at the airport had gone relatively unnoticed so far, which everyone (himself,Hakyeon, Baekhyun and the security) was glad about. His trip to San Francisco had been a surprise to everyone, including himself.The fans had been calm, only snapping pictures from afar, sometimes speaking a ‘have a nice stay’ or something along those lines, or even waving. Not once did they cross the line. The last thing they wanted was hormonal teenagers screaming their lungs out and pushing everyone, so meeting calmer ones was like heaven.

 

“As I said, he's friend of mine, so please don't make me look bad,” the manager paused to glare at Chanyeol. Baekhyun snickered, to which Chanyeol responded to by glaring.

“We've known eachother since high school, and he owns the magazine we'll be doing the shoot for,” he explained, as the automatic doors opened and all three of them (and the bodyguards behind them) stepped outside. 

 

The air fanned Baekhyun's face nicely and he allowed himself to smile at the new, fresh feeling. He felt like he was in a whole other country. He didn’t mind this aspect of the job. Traveling was nice, he thought.

 

“His name is Joshua Hong, and if Chanyeol messes this up I'll have him clean my nephews flat. And boy does that kid let the place get dirty,” Hakyeon said in a joking matter, yet something about his aura gave away the fact  that he wasn't kidding. 

 

“What makes you think Baekhyun can't fuck this up?” Chanyeol scoffed, acting as though he'd be hurt. All of them knew he wasn't. 

 

“Because of his paycheck,” Hakyeon stated simply, giving them a ‘you're in public, by the way’- look. His eyes really were expressive, another thing Baekhyun had noted in their short time of knowing each other. 

  
  
  


Chanyeol's big hand found Baekhyun’s sleek one as Hakyeon scavenged for their driver and started walking them through the now gathered crowd. Their hopes of going unnoticed were crushed.

 

“Stay close to me,” Chanyeol whispered harshly into Baekhyun's ear, holding his hand just a little tighter. Baekhyun could only nod, subconsciously inching closer to the man next to him. 

 

The people started to swarm around them, but the security guards combined with Chanyeol’s personal bodyguards seemed to scare everyone off a little bit.

 

The screams were something Baekhyun wondered if celebrities ever got used to. How could someone hear so much noise and find it normal? Or somehow enjoy it.

 

He glanced up at Chanyeol's emotionless, rock-like face, finding him unusually hard to read. Did he not care about the fond screams from his fans? Or was he just bad at showing his emotions outside acting? 

 

Chanyeol's eyes flickered down to meet Baekhyun's, and as fast as it had happened, the eye contact was cut off as they both looked away; a tinge of pink now dusting Chanyeol's cheeks. Could he really act that well, or was the sun playing tricks on Baekhyun's eyes? Nevertheless, it was a pretty cute sight to witness.

 

With much more screaming and pushing through a mass of humans (the both of them felt so bad they had to keep apologizing at every fan they had to push aside), they made it safely to the car, the sounds beginning to sound more and more distant as they were all inside and the driver drove off.

 

It was silent for a while, as all that was heard was the sound of traffic and vaguely heardable laughter and other random noise from the city. The sea sounded distant, but was surely present in the picture as well.

 

Chanyeol looked down at his hand, only to realise he was still clutching Baekhyun's hand tightly, probably a bit too tightly. He awkwardly removed his hand, starting to miss the warmth of the other as soon as his skin was denied contact with Baekhyun’s.

 

Baekhyun’s eyes wandered around the car, basically looking at anything else but Chanyeol. He spotted a minifridge, wondering what kind of regular person needed one in the car. He considered getting one to place in the bedroom, so that when he was hungry whilst writing in bed he could just walk a few steps and get something to eat, but dismissed the thought once realising half the time he’s unable to leave even the bed, too preoccupied by his writing or Jongin’s love for cuddles.

 

“So this friend of yours, does he… uh, know...?” Chanyeol questioned, looking at Hakyeon intently. He looked like a lost puppy, with even his eyebrows looking like they were frowning. But who gave Chanyeol the right to look cute even when frowning? 

 

“About the contract? No, he just knows about you two. I wouldn't be too shocked if he found out, or too worried. He knows how to keep a secret, the man himself is full of them. Sometimes I wonder what’s going on in that mysterious head of his. But still, I would advise for you two to keep up the act the best you can,” Hakyeon shrugged, leaning back in his seat, looking out the window almost sadly. San Francisco brought back memories of happiness he could no longer grasp. Baekhyun found himself desperately wanting to find out what happened five years ago.

  
  
  


Baekhyun stayed silent for the entire car ride.  

  
  
  
  
  


 As soon as the car stopped, Hakyeon was quick to click open his seatbelt and get out of the black car. A man wearing a blue ‘kiss the cook’-apron was waiting in front of the door of a lavish white house, a small smile sitting easily on his face.  He seemed like a nice, warm man, and Baekhyun found himself thinking he'd be trustworthy. He just gave off that sort of vibe. 

 

“Hakyeon, you're here,” he acknowledged, his smiled stretching even further. 

 

“Yep, in flesh. Sorry for the late notice, we had troubles with the hotel,”Hakyeon admitted, briefly hugging the man before turning to look at the duo still standing by the car that drove off with a honk directed at them. 

 

“What are you two standing there for? Get in here and introduce yourselves!” Hakyeon yelled out, Baekhyun and Chanyeol awkwardly stepping forward to greet the man who was kind enough to let them stay with him .

 

“Hello, I'm Baekhyun. Thank you for letting us stay with you, it means a lot,” Baekhyun spoke first, when it seemed like Chanyeol wasn't going to make an effort to do so. 

 

“Why do you sound so awkward,” Chanyeol commented, doing nothing but pissing Baekhyun off.  

 

“Can't I speak without you attacking me? Introduce yourself,  _ Willis,” _ Baekhyun taunted, the last word spoken so quietly that only the taller would hear. But, oh, did he hear, alright. He glared at the happy looking man, who smirked at him return.  _ Don’t think you’ve won. _

 

“I'm Chanyeol. Nice to meet you,” Chanyeol said, averting his gaze to Joshua, who had been simply smiling at the scene in front of him.

 

“Nice to meet you both, I’m Joshua, call me whatever you’d like. Do come inside, I'm just making food, which I'm sure burned down while you two were bickering, but that's okay, we can always order pizza, because I, for one am not in the mood to start all over again.” Baekhyun envied his attitude. He seemed so carefree, yet responsible.

  
  


All four men got inside the house, the rough, stuffy smell of smoke lingering in the air.

  
  


“Looks like we're ordering pizza, then. Drop your orders to me and go freshen up a bit. Go up the stairs, the room on the left is for Hakyeon, and the one next to the bathroom on the right is for you two.It’s the third door. No funny business, please, or at least don't have us hear it,” Joshua said, a faint smile on his lips. Baekhyun felt like his face was burning, whilst Chanyeol had the audacity to look smug. Baekhyun whispered his order to Chanyeol, feeling too embarrassed to even look at Joshua.

 

Baekhyun nodded curtly upon leaving, starting to make his way towards the room Joshua had instructed them to. With his backpack strapped on his back, he basically hopped up the stairs, opening the door to be relieved at the sight of two single beds. Aside from the beds, the room was pretty empty. A small bedside table was placed in the corner, a lamp sitting lonely on top. 

 

Chanyeol followed soon after, (having stayed behind to tell their orders to Joshua) dropping his bag on the beg closer to the door. He kicked off his shoes, letting himself plop down on the singlesized bed. 

 

“You can't seriously be tired from all the sleeping you've done today,” Baekhyun scoffed, unzipping his backpack to snatch a towel and some clothes to change into.

 

“Shut up, I slept four hours last week altogether,” Chanyeol groaned, seemingly failing to fall asleep, even though he wholeheartedly wished to do so.

 

“You really should try to sleep more,” Baekhyun frowned, turning to look at Chanyeol, who still had his eyes closed.

 

“And one plus one is two, what else is new?” 

 

Neither one of them spoke for a while after that,  falling into a comfortable silence with Chanyeol trying to sleep and Baekhyun trying to figure out whether he should use Joshua’s shower or not.

 

“I'm going to shower,” he informed, having made up his mind, calmly walking towards the door.

 

“What are you telling me for? What do you want me to do about it?” Chanyeol mumbled, sounding like grumpy old sock, as Baekhyun would've described it. 

 

“I just thought you'd like to know,” Baekhyun shrugged, leaving the room with one quick glance at the tired man. 

  
  


Baekhyun started orienteering through the house, getting lost a few times, even though the bathroom was next to their room all along, which he wouldn’t have remembered/known if it wasn’t for the awkward trip to ask the actual owner of the house.

 

He sighed once he got into the shower. He didn’t want to use up too much hot water, so he ended up shivering under the cold water splashing against his skin. Fun times.

  
  
  


  Once Baekhyun had freshened up, he decided to accompany Joshua and Hakyeon downstairs. The two were watching a tv-show, discussing the plot with much intensity. 

 

“I don't know, I still like the penguin guy,” Hakyeon said, causing Joshua to look at him like he'd grown another head.

“Hakyeon, he's a bad guy, did you not see him kill that man?” he exclaimed, perplexed.

“Well yeah, but he's just a child-” 

“What're you two watching?” Baekhyun butted in, sitting himself on the couch next to Hakyeon. He was wearing sweatpants and one of Jongin’s t-shirts (that he had insisted Baekhyun to take with him, for moral support and good scent), along with a bare face. 

 

“Gotham. Hakyeon’s being dumb, which I'm sure you understand can get annoying,”Joshua laughed, definitely joking. 

 

Baekhyun nodded stiffly,  not really knowing what to reply.

 

“I heard you're dating Chanyeol. How long have you two been together?” 

 

Baekhyun felt like he was being interrogated by one of those aunts he had never met before, but who still insisted he'd grown so much. 

 

“Around a month and a half,” Baekhyun managed to reply, forcing a small smile on his face. That’s the truth, more or less.

 

“You two haven't confirmed anything to the public yet, right? When will that happen?” 

 

Baekhyun looked at Hakyeon for help. The older seemed to catch on. 

 

“Ah, we were thinking Chanyeol would announce it on social media next week,” he mused, staring at the paused scene on the screen for a split second before looking at Joshua and Baekhyun. No one said anything. It was awkward. Baekhyun was sure that the air could be cut with a knife.

 

“When are those pizzas coming?” Baekhyun switched the subject. 

 

“They're supposed to come within the next twenty minutes, or they're free. That's what they say anyway,” Joshua said. 

 

“Should I go wake Chanyeol up?” Baekhyun questioned, needing an excuse to escape the presence of the two adults.

 

“Sure, he's been sleeping all day anyway, it's time he does something,” Hakyeon nodded, shooting him a quick smile as Baekhyun practically sprinted away from the two. 

 

“Chanyeol, sweetheart, my glazed donut, my, uh, sweet bumble bee, baby darling it’s time to get up!” Baekhyun cringed at his own words. Affection (from anyone else besides Kai) was unacceptable.

 

“Either he really likes Chanyeol or really doesn't like us,” Joshua stated, making Hakyeon let out a chuckle. 

 

Maybe so. 

  
  
  
  
  


“Chanyeol, dumbo, get up,” Baekhyun said upon walking into their room. The taller was already rubbing his eyes vigorously, trying to get himself to wake up.

 

“The pizzas are supposed to arrive in like, twenty minutes, so I advice for you to come downstairs already. And I’m also feeling painfully awkward there by myself. Please help me,”Baekhyun plead, shooting Chanyeol a look with his infamous puppydog eyes.

 

“I thought you got along well with Hakyeon, what happened to that bond?” Chanyeol asked, standing up to head downstairs.

 

“I do! Ijust don’t know Joshua that well and Hakyeon and him are like the best of buddies. Trust me when I say you don’t want to get in between two buddies who haven’t seen each other in ages,”Baekhyun groaned, as the door flung open. He looked at the figure leaning against the doorframe. Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Baekhyun buried his face into the fabric of Chanyeol’s hoodie.

 

“Pizzas here, guys!” the man said cheerfully, smiling softly at the hiding Baekhyun. “Don’t worry, Baekhyun, we still have plenty of time to get to know each other,”Joshua stated, and left, leaving the pair there to blush (Baekhyun) and giggle (Chanyeol).

  
  
  
  
  


                               The four of them just sat there, eyes glued on the flat screen tv, pizza slices disappearing one by one until they had finished eating all six ordered medium size pizzas (one for everyone to eat by themselves, two to share).

 

The men were all focused on the show, which was a different one than the one Hakyeon and Joshua had binged earlier. Silence enveloped the room, the only noise coming from the tv.

 

“Why did I only just find out about this? This show is amazing, and you’re telling me there’s four more seasons? Amazing,”Baekhyun sighed in glee, feeling relaxed for the first time since they landed.

  
  


Baekhyun was leaning against Chanyeol’s chest with the latter’s arms wrapped around his waist and both of their legs tangled together. The sight could only be described as adorable. Baekhyun scooched a bit closer, wanting to be as close to his source of warmth as possible.

 

He heard Joshua chuckling at them, and abruptly stopping. 

 

“Hey, I have a suggestion. It might be bit crazy or seem dumb, but you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to,”Joshua stopped for a while, looked at them again and continued, “You two just look so adorable together, and I’d love to have you both pose together for the photoshoot tomorrow.”

Baekhyun thought he was joking, until he looked at the ceo, whose face was serious, yet hopeful. 

 

“Well, what do you say?”

 

Chanyeol and Baekhyun looked at each other, nodding ever so slightly. Joshua and Hakyeon both tried to tone down their squeals.

  
  
  
  


                       The clock was close to striking midnight. Baekhyun couldn’t sleep. Sleeping alone wasn’t his forte, and on top of that he was missing Jongin. In NYC, it would’ve been three in the morning, which only made his inner clock spin confusedly, making the state of tiredness worse.

 

He decided to make a bold (some would say dumb) decision. He got up from his bed, tiptoeing to Chanyeol, who was silently snoring in his bed on the other side of the room.

He softly poked the sleeping actor, earning a soft grunt in reply.

 

“Chanyeol, I can’t sleep,” he whispered, frowning a little when it took Chanyeol so long to react at all. But he was happy when Chanyeol pulled him next to him on the (tiny) bed, dragging him under the covers and enclosing him inside the warmth his body provided.

 

Baekhyun fell asleep in a matter of minutes.


	8. a kiss

**chapter eight - a kiss**

 

**ONE MONTH, TWO WEEKS**

  
  


Chanyeol woke up to Hakyeon more or less kicking his skinny ass right off the safety of the comfy bed, which was lacking half the warmth it had possessed just some hours prior. Baekhyun had gotten up ages ago after once again struggling with the giant’s strong grip, and was long gone, leaving behind wrinkled bed sheets and a warm spot where the other half of his body had laid (with the other part of his body having been draped on top of Chanyeol). From then on he proceeded to hit it off with Joshua while they (they meaning Joshua, as Baekhyun sat on a barstool and kept him company) prepared breakfast.  

 

“Rise and shine, superstar, it's a brand new beautiful day! Time to get up, get out and seize the day!” Hakyeon cheered obnoxiously, snickering at the sight of the freshly awoken Chanyeol who was sitting on the floor nuzzling his face into the blanket that had fallen off the bed curtly following his soft but large body on its journey to the ground. The blanket smelled like a mixture Baekhyun’s and Chanyeol’s aftershaves, shampoos and the personal, natural scents that each human possessed that couldn’t quite be put into words. He almost found himself smiling at the musky yet soft scent of Baekhyun. Almost.

 

Chanyeol let out a string of incoherent mumbles, perhaps meant to be somehow passable as a decent enough reply, and eventually got up from the carpeted floor, nudging on a pair of sweatpants before heading down to the kitchen. He’d had the courtesy to sleep with half of his clothes on while staying and sleeping at a stranger’s house.

 

Hakyeon followed behind him as they started to make their way downstairs.

 

The sun shone through the large white rimmed windows in the hallways, and despite not shining very bright, it was enough to irritate Chanyeol’s eyes that had already gotten used to the darkness the night provided. Hakyeon only chuckled at the tall actor, who was struggling to keep his eyes open.

 

“So what’s today’s mood? Ready to be photographed with your overly cute worth-the-steal boyfriend?” Hakyeon teased, finding endless amusement in seeing Chanyeol shoot him irritated looks. Chanyeol looked like a puppy who had lost its mother, and was now confused and sad yet irritated. Hakyeon almost cooed at the sight, but decided that was an embarrassing moment Chanyeol would get the pleasure of bearing later on.

 

“Ecstatic, clearly, can’t you see?” His face now held little to no emotion, and Hakyeon couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the actor. Sometimes he wondered whether he was going through puberty again, since all he did was have mood swings and snap at his manager.

 

“You know, for an actor, you suck at expressing the extent of your sarcasm. I can’t seem to even try to grasp the true joy of sarcastic responses in your voice. A shame, really, for a professional like yourself to not to handle these simple things,” Hakyeon exaggerated, earning a final look of distaste from Chanyeol before the both of them entered the kitchen, greeted by the scent of freshly made pancakes and orange juice squeezed by Joshua’s fancy machine that Baekhyun couldn’t help but admire.

  


“Morning, Yeollie!” Baekhyun  said enthusiastically as Chanyeol and Hakyeon strolled in, the underlying tone of cringe and mocking present only to Chanyeol and the man who spoke the words himself. Chanyeol grit his teeth, forcing out a smile.

 

“Morning,” Chanyeol simply said in return, walking closer to the pair who had been actively chatting before he had entered the kitchen. Hakyeon shot him a quick glare, hoping he’d catch on and act more lovey-dovey towards his (kind of, but not really) boyfriend. Chanyeol seemed to notice and understand, soon dipping down to plop a few quick pecks on Baekhyun’s fastly reddening cheeks, mumbling a low greeting of ‘how’d you sleep, sweetheart?’.

 

Baekhyun grumbled quietly in distaste, and was about to swat away the taller man, when Hakyeon’s eyes seemed to fixate on him, and he was reminded why he was there in the first place. Reluctantly, Baekhyun craned his neck to place a chaste kiss on the actor’s cheek, muttering a quick reply of ‘great’. He felt disgusted, but Joshua and Hakyeon just smiled at the ‘couple’, and proceeded to ask them about how they liked their pancakes, and how many they would be having.

Breakfast was eaten in deadly silence, if not counting the times someone asked for more maple syrup, or finished eating and excused themselves from the table. Even Hakyeon seemed to be too tired to keep up the conversation. Glancing at the digital clock provided by his trusty phone, Chanyeol understood why. It was barely five in the morning, the minutes swaying on the brink of changing from 4:59 to 5:00.

 

Chanyeol glanced at Baekhyun, who had just excused himself and was practically sprinting towards their shared room, eager to get moving and not wasting any more time just wandering around. Or to get away from him, Chanyeol thought.

 

“Oh yeah, I promised him we’d go look around the city if we got moving before six,”Hakyeon laughed, wiping the corners of his mouth before getting up to clean up after himself. He looked in the direction Baekhyun had ran off to, a soft smile sitting on his face.

 

“He probably wants to buy something for _him_ ,” Chanyeol noted, earning a look of disapproval from Hakyeon, as if the mention of someone else was putting their whole operation at jeopardy. Joshua on the other hand just looked plain confused, wondering about who the mysterious ‘he’ might be, and what Baekhyun would get him. Perhaps one of those tacky “ I HEART SAN FRAN”-t-shirts? Because if so, he’d be extremely disappointed, yet very amused.

 

“Ah, yes, his bestest best friend and roommate in the whole world! They’ve known each other for so long, they’re often mistaken for a couple!” Hakyeon tried saving the situation, laughing Chanyeol’s stupid comment off. The both of them knew that Baekhyun did only want to go shopping for his actual boyfriend. Which was absolutely fine, Chanyeol thought. He used to shop for his former boyfriend too, what’s so wrong with shopping? It’s just money getting invested in nice or useful things. So why did the thought of Baekhyun happily choosing a cheap, silly souvenir for some other guy make his chest feel heavy? Chanyeol decided he was just worried for Baekhyun, as friends often were. He just didn’t want Baekhyun to end up heartbroken and shedding snot on his shirt when he’d come to him crying. Yeah, that must’ve been it.

 

_Who says he’ll come to you first,second, or even third? You’re probably not even in his top ten people to go to._

 

“Ah, I used to have a friend like that too! It’s been a while since we last saw, though.  We were roommates back in college, really close too, sharing everything we felt we needed to, and often we didn’t even have to tell each other things, because the other would already know. We were best friends, yet people often mistook us for a couple, and even though we both silently had a thing for each other, neither one of us wanted to take the risk of ruining the friendship between us and making things awkward,” Joshua explained, his expression seeming almost nostalgic. Something about the way he talked about his old roommate wrenched Chanyeol’s heart.     Because despite the ever-so-bright smile on his face, he looked so... sad and so broken. The memory clearly made him feel some sort of regret, maybe a wish that things went differently. Maybe he still wished he’d taken the risk of ruining everything, but getting a taste of love, even if it was brief and rushed.

 

“Anyway, after graduation we sort of just drifted apart. You know how most friendships are, it happens naturally. People come and go, but I’d like to think everyone affects you in one way or another. I’m sure he’s happily married or at least settled down now, I do remember him mentioning about starting to see someone. He always looked so ecstatic talking about their little dates, so I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was ready to start trying to make us work. It just seemed selfish and unfair. Sure, if I did have the guts to tell him back then, things would be different right now. But I still cherish him as a friend, although a part of me will always know we could’ve been more,” Joshua went on, the frail sadness in his eyes becoming too much for Chanyeol to handle. How could someone look so sad, but so happy for another person at the same time?  
  
“I hope he’s doing well, and from what I’ve heard, he is, so isn’t that good?” he chuckled, slapping his hand against his thighs before returning to the always-happy form Chanyeol was already so used to seeing.

“Anyhow, Chanyeol, why don’t you go freshen up so we can go look around before getting ready for the photoshoot!” he said, and from the cheeriness in his voice it would’ve been impossible to determine he’d just been weeping over a former love just a few seconds earlier. Chanyeol almost admired his skills in acting, but wondered whether it was acting at all or just a coping mechanism. Either way, he simply nodded and started walking up to his and Baekhyun’s room, hearing the smaller one’s hushed voice giggling.

  


Now, the way he saw it, he had three options; 1) to stay stuck behind the door and creepily listen to Baekhyun talking, 2) to barge in, thus forcing Baekhyun to either stop talking completely or keep doing it, but only with the added factor of Chanyeol’s presence, or 3) completely walk away and go back to the safety of Hakyeon and Joshua.

 

In any other situation, option three would’ve been his immediate, unquestioned choice, and he would bear the never-ending flow of conversation Hakyeon and Joshua produced now that coffee had entered their systems that he never bothered to fully comprehend rather than invading someone’s privacy.

 

But this was Baekhyun. And he’d find himself often making exceptions for the man. It was both a blessing and a curse, albeit leaning a bit more on the cursed side.

 

So he stood there and listened to Baekhyun be happy with someone on the other line, as he was obviously on the phone, giggling and talking soft words.

  


His hushed careful words flew in from one ear and jumped right out the other. He didn’t understand anything, being too baffled by the tone of the smaller male’s voice. It was so gentle, so smooth, but most of all completely different from the way he talked to Chanyeol with.  With Chanyeol, his tone was often annoyed, teasing and at best polite. But this sweetness was something he realized he’d never be able to witness to be directed at himself. Honestly speaking, it did annoy him. What did this person have that he didn't in order for Baekhyun to love him so much? Why couldn't Baekhyun treat him like a human instead of a constant annoyment?

  
  


“No, don’t worry, I’ll be back the first thing tomorrow. I can’t give an exact time, but I promise I’ll be there before you fall asleep,” Baekhyun spoke into the phone, his voice seemingly hushed.

 

“I know, but I sort of miss you. After seeing that nice face of yours every day for a few years now, it’s weird waking up alone and not having to force you to come sleep and stop you from writing all night,”Kai laughed, and Baekhyun couldn’t help but notice how tired he sounded. Even as he laughed, it seemed like he was trying his best to not disappoint Baekhyun by feeling ill. If he had to name one thing he disliked about Kai, it would be his never ending need to protect Baekhyun from everything, including himself.

 

“Have you remembered to take your meds today?” Baekhyun asked, swiftly switching the topic. Not that this topic was any more pleasing than the one before, if anything the conversation took a twist to the darker. But at least it kept the conversation going and allowed Baekhyun to hear his lover’s voice for a bit longer.

 

“Yes, I think. It’s so hard to remember, I need to develop some system to help me remember so I don’t actually take too much prescription drugs,” the man on the other line stated, and Baekhyun found himself nodding even with the information that there was no way Kai would ever know he’d done so.

 

“Remember your appointment on Tuesday, we finally gathered enough money to keep paying our rent on time and still be able to pay for your treatment, and the knee surgery, so don’t worry about that, please. You know I only want to help you and want what’s best for you, so don’t try to sound heroic and say we should save money when we should be saving you,” Baekhyun’s voice rose enough for Joshua to ask if everything was alright. At that Baekhyun made up an excuse, saying he was just being silly and helping Chanyeol practice his lines, which was a risk in itself, because there was the possibility Chanyeol was with the pair. Luckily that wasn’t the situation though, and the possibility of an awkward conversation was erased.

 

“Baekhyun… I don’t know. At this point, I really don’t. Is there any point? It will only get worse, and at the very best the most they can do is just stall it for a bit longer. Baekhyun, sometimes I wonder if you’re only staying with me because-” Kai was cut off with Baekhyun’s fire up voice, “Stop it. I know what you’re going to say and I won’t have it, so just stop it. I love you and that’s why I’m staying with you, so don’t you dare doubt me. I fell in love with you before I knew and I kept loving you through everything, so for you to doubt whether I’m authentic with my feelings or not is pretty hurtful, Jongin. If they can only stall it, that’s enough for me. Because at least I get to keep you for a little longer.” He could feel tears burning pathetically behind his eyes, but he wouldn’t let them roll down. He couldn’t. He had to be strong.

 

“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, but in all honesty I’m terrified, Baekhyun. I’m terrified of the future, of the possibility of leaving you. I don’t want that, any of it. I want to stay for as long as I can, but it seems like life wants to mock me,” Jongin said, voice lowering to the level of a whisper. Baekhyun’s heart broke into a million pieces

 

“You won't leave me, Jongin, okay? Stop worrying,” Baekhyun laughed halfheartedly. His heart was in absolute shambles, but the soft ‘okay’ Jongin spoke was almost enough to mend it perfectly back to a whole.

 

“Let's just take this day by day and see what happens. We'll be fine, darling, so don't worry too much,” Baekhyun cheerily exclaimed, feet dangling off the side of the bed as he laid down. A smile made its way on his face as Jongin giggled on the other line.

 

“You always know what to say, Baek,” Kai grinned out, sounding so innocent it clenched Baekhyun's heart.

  


“Now _that_ I do. I love you, Jong,” he smiled, “not a person or a thing can ever get in between us!”

  
  
  
  


Chanyeol's ear was attached to the door, his pathetic childish spying mission in full action.

 

For some reason Baekhyun's words sat oddly with him. But who was he to tell Baekhyun to stop caring for someone he dated?

 

He'd now listened to two of their conversations, and he was slowly starting to hate Jongin and the way it felt when Baekhyun spoke his name with so much love. He decided he’d never listen to their conversations again, it hurt too much.

  
  
  


  

 

    By the time Baekhyun had finished showering and dressing up for the day, everyone else was more or less ready as well, applying some finishing touches. Hakyeon had forced Chanyeol to put more effort into his outfit, even if it was going to get changed at the photoshoot anyway. He didn't want the actor going out in athletic wear all the time, or else it would seem like he always wore the same tracksuit. Which, for the record, he did, but the world didn't need to know that.

 

A few hours had gone by. And in this case a few hours mean four, since Baekhyun had googled information about the shopping mall, finding out it only opened at ten. And with Joshua being the ceo of the magazine they were shooting for, pushing the shoot forward by a couple hours was no big deal. Baekhyun felt bad for making him go through all that trouble even after he assured it was fine.

 

“Okay, kids, ready to go?” Joshua asked, the keys to his car in hand, and his signature grin planted on his face.

 

“Ay, ay, captain!” Baekhyun yelled, causing an eruption of laughter to burst out of everyone.

 

“We still have a few more hours until we need to be at the shooting place, so I’ll drive you guys to the nearest mall so you can get your shopping done! We’ll meet at the entrance, if that’s fine with all of you. If no one has anything more to say, let’s get going!”

  


San Francisco wasn’t everything Baekhyun had dreamt about it being and more. It was quite mediocre, and didn’t after all differ much from New York, much to his disappointment.

 

He tried not to visibly frown as a homeless man did his business on the side of a building. Yes, San Francisco was a tad bit of a disappointment.

 

“What are you pouting at?” Hakyeon’s voice brought him back to reality, and he shook his head.

“Nothing, I was just, uh, thinking,” Baekhyun explained, sparing a glance at the giant, whose eyes were closed and ears occupied by the black earphones he couldn’t seem to manage without.

  


There’s something about car rides that seem to put everyone in a gloomy mood. Riding in a car isn’t particularly interesting, and conversation topics are limited to the point where talking didn’t even seem appropriate. Everyone seemed tired from the early awekement that turned out to be useless in the first place.

 

Baekhyun admitted it; he was tired. Not only from waking up early, but also from the happenings in his life. It’s incredibly selfish, but he has to admit that Kai is sometimes hard to deal with, with him being all too stubborn yet all too lovable. It was terrible to even think of being tired when he knew Kai was probably five times as tired as he was. But never was he a burden, not once.

  
  


For once Chanyeol wasn’t sleeping. His eyes were closed, everything and everyone drowned out by the sound of Coldplay softly playing in his ears. He didn’t know what he was feeling lately. His thoughts were just piled messily inside his head, and he couldn’t even start to try to figure them out. His mind was always shielded by a thick veil of smoke, a constant uncertainty haunting him, a voice always telling him to be better.

 

Truth is, he doesn’t know what that better would be. How can he be a better version of himself, when this current version was so impossible to map out and figure in the first place. The need to constantly be better, but never knowing how to fall through with that want was quite crushing. It seemed to painfully crush his simple existence, overpower his mind. The thought of never being better than he was in the moment was absolutely terrifying. The thought that he’d never improve, and would always be stuck in the same skill level. He didn’t like it. It made him feel like someone had spoken for him, making all his decisions while he sat silently in the background, unable to make sound, as if his mouth had been glued shut.

  


How can you be a better version of yourself if the current version is a mere ghost?

  


☾

  


Baekhyun was the first one of the four to hop out of the car, eagerly clutching his wallet and phone, hot and ready to go.

 

They were standing in front of the entrance, in a circle-like formation.

 

“Come on, kiddos, go out and have fun, be safe, don't get lost and meet us here in two hours. Bye!” In seconds Hakyeon and Joshua had zoomed out of their eyesight, leaving them to stand around awkwardly.

 

“So, uh, do you want to come with me or do you want to go alone?” Baekhyun is the one to break the silence, which Chanyeol is thankful for. He wouldn't have known what to say.  Another moment of that hideous awkward atmosphere and he might've actually ran after Hakyeon.

 

“Well wouldn't it be better if we went together?” the actor said, but the both of them knew that ‘better’ meant better for the media, not for things like ‘safety’, since safety is overrated anyway, right?

 

“Oh, true, I forgot,” Baekhyun chuckled, and took it upon himself to start wandering around. Chanyeol shook his head and walked after him, gripping tightly onto his slim hand. As Baekhyun shot him a confused look, he just shrugged it off, pulling out a pair of sunglasses from his jacket pocket and placing them on the bridge of his nose.

“Do I look beautiful?” he asked, fluttering his eyelashes upon saying those words, despite the fact that Baekhyun couldn't see the act due to the dimmened tint on the glasses.

 

“Yes, Chanyeol, you're very pretty,” Baekhyun admitted, laughing a bit afterwards.

 

“Baekhyun you don't have to laugh. I know you're jealous of my strikingly good looks, and it's easy to get overwhelmed, but please don't feel like you're not almost as pretty as I am! It takes time to achieve this level of beauty, and of course, genetics play a huge part,” Chanyeol said with an excessive sigh, making Baekhyun burst out laughing. Chanyeol felt a sense of pride upon making him laugh.

 

“You've gotten better at sarcasm,” Baekhyun said, earning a glare from the taller man beside him.

 

“I've always been good at sarcasm! Hakyeon spreads false information!” he insisted, an eyeroll produced by Baekhyun rolling his way.

 

“Whatever you say, pumpkin,” Baekhyun stated, letting go of Chanyeol's hand as he spotted something somewhere far away, running towards it like a child. Chanyeol shook his head, only following silently behind.

 

“Baekhyun, slow down I could've lost you and then Hakyeon would've yelled at me and then he would've called the police - you know how he gets about you, he sometimes daddys you, it's terrible- and then we would've had to explain to your boyfriend how we lost you at the mall because you were running- hey, why are you crying?”

 

Sure enough, a singular salty tear had rolled down Baekhyun's cheek as he was panting in front of a souvenir shop. What a sight be must've been.

 

“Hey, what's wrong?” Chanyeol asked, cupping the smaller man’s face in his large, warm hands.

 

“I want to go home,” he confessed, another tear falling from his beautiful eyes. Chanyeol knew his reasons for wanting to go home, and he respected them, no matter how much he wished they were different.

 

“Oh, Baekhyun. We all want to go home. It's just another few hours,  you'll be with him soon, okay? So stop crying and get him something nice so you can tell the story about how you got it after crying like a little baby,” Chanyeol calmed him down, squishing his cheeks around to make him laugh. And it worked, Baekhyun wasn't so sad anymore. But a voice at the back of his head loved to remind him of a certain word in his vocabulary; acting. After all, this was all an act. His newfound smile faltered, and Chanyeol was quick to notice.

 

“Baek, seriously, you’ll be with him in no time, so turn that frown around and be happy now so you can be even happier when you see him!”

 

But this time, the source of Baekhyun’s sadness himself didn’t know the actual reason for his feelings. Perhaps, it was better that way.

 

“Okay,” Baekhyun stated weakly, allowing a small smile to grace his features.

“Can we go in? I saw something in the window and I think he’d really like it.”

“Sure.” The conversation slowly kicked off from that, straying away from awkward subjects as much as possible. Still, it wasn’t anything particularly interesting (unless the topic of plastic bags is something exquisitely exciting), even though the way he talked did Baekhyun find himself wanting to get to know the other more. He could make the most boring things sound important and interesting. He thought Chanyeol was an excellent speaker.

 

“Look, there it is!” Baekhyun excitedly pointed out, his hand dropping from Chanyeol’s grasp as he made his way to the object.

His eyes shone brightly as he held the stuffed bear in his hands, softly giggling at its cuteness.

 

“It has a t-shirt, Chanyeol. It’s amazing and I love it, he’ll probably love it too! It looks just like him!” Baekhyun squealed, and Chanyeol was left staring in shock. This was definitely out of his character, to squeal at a stuffed animal. Love does crazy things to a person, apparently.

  


“It's cute,” Chanyeol curtly answered, fighting back a smile. Baekhyun really looked like a puppy.

 

“I'll go pay and then we can go buy some food. I don't think we have time for anything else before we meet Hakyeon and Joshua,” Baekhyun explained quickly and disappeared just as fast so he could go purchase his bear.

  


Chanyeol stood outside the store, not wanting to be surrounded by so many refrigerator magnets at the same time.

He felt like he was being watched. He always did, but this time it was different. This time it wasn't the type of feeling he got when fans would be watching him. No, this was way worse. It sent chills down his spine and body, he felt like he was being _watched._ If he was any dumber he would've shrugged off the flash of an older camera and the quick footsteps that started to sound more distant as time passed. But Chanyeol wasn't dumb. He knew something was going on and it went deeper than just a few fangirls.

  


“Chanyeol! Sorry I took so long, I saw a nice keychain and I had to get one for myself! I got one for you too, so we could have matching ones,” Baekhyun stated, coming out of the shop.

 

“You got us matching keychains? I'm sorry, I didn't know we were in the fifth grade,” Chanyeol timidly joked.

 

“What's wrong? You seem tense,” Baekhyun commented, the tiny white straps of the plastic bag wrapped around his slender fingers.

 

“Nothing's wrong. Let's go buy some food and then wait for those two idiots,” Chanyeol said, his hand finding Baekhyun's one.

 

And there it was again. That not-so-subtle flash.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  “No, listen, all I'm saying is that if you were to order mac and cheese at McDonald's, you would get kicked out,” Baekhyun’s argument made Chanyeol scrunch his eyebrows, as he was sipping on his cola.

 

“I don't think so, I think McDonald's would just say they don't have it and ask if you want anything else instead, I think you'd much more likely get kicked out if you asked for domino blocks at domino’s,” Chanyeol argued, feeling like he had assured his victory.

 

“No, they'd offer something else too, but if you asked for cock at kfc you would most definitely get kicked out. Or a real panda at Panda express,” Baekhyun explained, smirking at Chanyeol, whose face showed his realization of his loss.

 

“You win this time, but this isn't over, it's only just the first round!” Chanyeol more or less screamed.

 

“Don't shout, people are looking!” Baekhyun scolded, but not without a snort following after.

 

“Why are we friends, you're such a loser,” he continued, a small teasing smile on his lips. Chanyeol smiled inwardly. Baekhyun considered them friends.

“Because I was an asshole five years ago and you're the only one who can help me,” Chanyeol answered nonchalantly, like it didn't pain him to admit that their contact is the only thing tying them together. But it did.

 

“Jeez, I didn't mean it literally, you snail. Whatever, let's just head back to the spot we agreed to meet them at.”

Chanyeol nodded, getting up from his seat and disposing of the trash the fast food wrappers had created.

 

They walked hand in hand, a meter between their bodies as they looked at anything else than each other.

  


☾

 

Having somebody else do your make-up was a weird experience. The feeling of not being sure what someone was doing to your face was nerve wracking. As a man he had never met before spread concealer on his face with a brush, he couldn't help but to feel anxious. He was so unused to the feeling, but the man was nice about it and calmed him down. Baekhyun survived, and in the end when he saw himself looking the exact same he did when he woke up, only now he had no visible blemishes, a hint of eyeliner lining his eyes and more prominent eyebrows.  

 

An outfit was pushed into his arms by a short woman with bright red nails and he was ushered to go change and then meet with everyone else in the shooting area. Chanyeol was there already, getting his solo shoots done and some questions asked for the article that was going to be written about him.

  


As he got dressed, he thought about Chanyeol and how it must be so hard to be a celebrity. How it feels for him to go outside and instantly be recognised, as a shabby pair of sunglasses couldn't fool his fans. He couldn't help but feel closer to the man after their shared scenario at the mall. The way he held his face and spoke gently, tried to make him feel better all seemed so genuine. But he knew better than to believe his act. Acting, acting, acting. That's all their relationship was.

  


Baekhyun looked at his reflection staring back at him in the mirror. He wore light colored jeans, a grey sweater and a trenchcoat. The stylists had loosely curled a few strands of his hair, the silver beauty looking very cute albeit a bit grandma-like.

 

Baekhyun looked quite adorable.

 

He felt a pair of arms wrap around him and heard a series of ‘aw’s echoing in the large room.

 

“I missed you,” Chanyeol said, loud enough for everyone to hear clearly but quiet enough to make them think it was a private conversation.

 

“I was gone for twenty minutes was that too much for you?” Baekhyun teased, having realized what he was doing. A show must be put on in public, right?

Baekhyun quickly pecked Chanyeol’s cheek before the two got guided to a set with a simple burgundy couch, some white sheets, a few miscellaneous plants placed systematically and a cute small lamp.

 

With a white large piece of fabric behind them and a bunch of umbrella looking things in front of them, the photographer started yelling instructions to them.

 

The requests were simple and they were able to complete them with no hassle. They posed in numerous ways; leaning against each other, Baekhyun’s head in Chanyeol's lap while they kept eye contact, and so on.

 

“How about we do one where Baekhyun sits in Chanyeol's lap?” Joshua suggested,  Baekhyun complying quickly, soon having his ass sat on top of Chanyeol's lap.

 

“Oh that looks good!” the photographer commented, pleased.

 

“Can we take one of you two kissing?” he voiced out, causing Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Hakyeon to freeze. The pair glanced nervously at Hakyeon, who was obviously weighing the pros and cons in his head.

 

“Only if they're comfortable with it,” Hakyeon said, and the eyes were now fully on the two people having a staring contest.

 

They seemed to be communicating with their eyes, intensely discussing whether they should agree or not. It was awkward with Baekhyun still sitting on Chanyeol's lap, but they reached an agreement.

 

“We’ll do it,” Chanyeol announced with a shaky nod from Baekhyun. Jongin would understand.

 

“Don't worry, I have a plan,” Chanyeol whispered, the hot air from his mouth tickling Baekhyun's neck. He nodded, not daring to speak.

 

They turned to look at each other, and Chanyeol brought up his hands to cup Baekhyun's face, placing his thumbs on the smaller’s lips. He leaned in, and as the camera flashed the kiss was pressed onto his own thumbs, in a way where it would still look like a kiss in the picture, and Baekhyun felt like he could cry tears of happiness from how Chanyeol handled the situation.

 

“You're amazing, thank you,” Baekhyun whispered, wrapping his arms around the taller’s neck to give him a tight hug.

 

Chanyeol gulped, heart racing just a bit too fast to be normal.

 

“No problem,” he whispered back, bringing his arms to support Baekhyun so he wouldn't fall off.

 

A few more shots later they were done, and were free to leave. They changed into their own clothes and got their make-up taken off, so now the only thing left to do was leave.

 

Making his way to the plastic bag he was now the proud owner of, Baekhyun dug out the tacky keychain he had bought. It had an eagle with sunglasses on it, which was just too funny for Baekhyun not to buy.

 

He poked Chanyeol, who was talking to some crew members, and dragged him aside.

 

“Here, have it. I told you I got one. Now we're bff’s. You're welcome, I know it's a beauty,”  Baekhyun spoke as Chanyeol tried to keep in his laughter.

 

“It's amazing, thank you Baek,” he smiled, putting the object into his pocket. The other man only smiled.

 

“Listen, about the kiss-” Chanyeol started.

“It wasn't a proper one, it doesn't mean anything and will never mean anything. I don't love you as anything more than a brother and I will never love you more than I love him. So I don't think there's anything to discuss. Thanks for not kissing me though, I appreciate it.” His words were sharp and punctuated, but even if they wouldn't have been,  the message was clear.

 

Chanyeol felt a strange lump forming in his throat, chest tightening just a bit. In short, he felt awful. He only nodded and walked away to find Hakyeon. He wanted to go home.

  
  
  


☾

 

 

 

Baekhyun was sitting in the car about to fall asleep, when he felt his phone buzz continuously in his pocket. At first he was annoyed, but as soon as he read the flood of text messages occupying his screen, he broke out in tears, screaming at Joshua to stop the car, and muttered a brief explanation to Hakyeon before waving a cab and racing to the airport whilst the others continued their journey to Joshua’s.

 

Chanyeol, once again, wasn't asleep. He heard Baekhyun's cries and knew there wasn't anything he would be able to do to help. He heard the words “Kai”,” Accident”, and “Home” from Baekhyun's explanation, and immediately decided to butt out. It wasn't his business in the slightest, so he didn't and shouldn't care.

  


Back at Joshua’s house, sitting on the only used bed of their shared room, Chanyeol dug his hand into his pocket, hand brushing against the god awful keychain Baekhyun had gifted him.

 

The silver haired man’s words ringed tauntingly in his mind, like a terrible tale he couldn't stop thinking of.

 

_“I will never love you more than I love him.”_

 

Chanyeol chuckled bitterly. Of course, Baekhyun would never love him. Why would he? Why didn't he? Because of the sad truth that Chanyeol reluctantly was starting to face.

 

Baekhyun was head over heels in love with Kai.

 

Act. Just act fine and you will be.

  
  



	9. a love so strong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are appreciated!

**chapter nine - a love so strong**

 

**ONE MONTH, THREE WEEKS**

 

One thing a person must know if they simply want to live through life as a moderately sane person, is that nothing goes like how you plan it. No matter how many words you write on your notebook and say that this is going to happen, odds will be the final judge of how everything will fold out to be. It’s aggravating, sure, but there’s not much you can do. Whether you want to or not, your life will be laid out before you as soon as you take your first breath and scream your first scream as you exit your mother. Life isn’t fair, and that’s something to keep in mind. 

  
  


Baekhyun was as fast as a man relying on public transportation could possibly be. His heart felt heavy, and it seemed like his lungs would give out at any moment. He had felt unbearably sick ever since he had received the text messages from a friend of Jongin’s. The thing is, Jongin’s friends didn’t exactly actively chat with him, so once he saw Taemin’s name flash on his phone screen, he knew something was wrong. Honestly speaking, he’d known something was wrong ever since they started dating. Ever since Kai straightforwardly told him about his condition and Baekhyun told him he’d be with him through everything.

 

Yet here he was, sitting in the bus, hours after he was first informed about what had went down. He felt unbearable guilt. Why did he have to go? Why did he have to leave him? God, he was an idiot. An idiot who didn't deserve someone as perfect and as hurting as Jongin. He was just hurting him furthermore. And if he wasn't so selfish, he would've let him go. But love is blinding, love is overpowering. And that's why he was in the bus, biting back tears with his heart in his stomach. 

 

The bus let out a loud sound, signifying it had come to a stop and Baekhyun knew he was outside the hospital. He wasted no time getting off the bus and running off as fast as he could. 

 

Inside the waiting room, Taemin was there to greet him. 

 

“Hey, you're here,” Taemin spoke, enveloping Baekhyun in a warm hug, as the man tried to hold back tears. 

 

“How is he” Baekhyun asked after releasing from the hug.

 

“Getting ready for surgery, there's some immediate procedures that need to be done. I took the liberty of signing the forms for you,” the taller of the two informed, as Baekhyun could only nod. 

 

“Okay, what room is he in? Is he still awake?” Baekhyun asked in a shaky voice, looking around like a madman.

 

“He's in room 488. He's probably being put to sleep right now, we can't go in until after the surgery. I suggest you go home and get some sleep, I'll call you when he's awake again,” Taemin said, a sad smile on his face. He looked tired, he'd been at the hospital for hours already.

 

“No, I'm not leaving him. You should go take a shower and change though. I'll be here,” Baekhyun tried convincing the man, without any success. 

 

“We'll both stay here then. But I was told not to go into his room. They'll start the operation any minute now. As long as he's successfully been put to sleep.”

 

Flashes of their conversation on the phone came back to Baekhyun. A terrible thought occurred to him. What if that call was their last? He remembered his promise to be there before he fell asleep.

 

“I have to see him,” Baekhyun stated, starting to walk down the hallway, his eyes skimming the numbers next to the doors. 

 

“Baekhyun! You mustn’t go there! I told you! We can't!” Taemin screamed after him, grabbing his shoulders tightly, stopping him from moving further.

 

“I promised him. Tae, I promised! I promised…” 

 

He turned around, fisting the fabric of Taemin’s shirt as he cried, falling asleep soon from exhaustion. 

 

Love, it was a crazy thing indeed.

  
  
  


The next time he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, Taemin sitting in a chair next to him. He looked so worn out, Baekhyun felt sorry as he remembered this wasn’t just affecting him personally.

 

“Good, you're awake. He woke up ten minutes ago, if you wanna see him,” Taemin spoke, not wasting any time in telling him the information he so desperately wanted to know.

 

The shorter man nodded, taking off the few chords connected to him and getting up, after being granted permission by the nurse he had been assigned after passing out. 

 

“Mr. Kim's surgery went well, don't worry,” the nurse said, but it didn't ease the heavy feeling in Baekhyun's chest. 

 

He was so scared to open the door to Kai’s room. 

So scared of what would greet him. Would it be like in the movies where the other person falls apart due to seeing their significant other in such a bad state? Would he feel like the books said, heartbroken and sick?

 

Truth be told, when the door opened it was much, much worse. But much more comforting.

 

In a way the books and movies were right. He did feel like his heart was wrenching and was constantly being tied around a rope that was only tightened, never let loose. But it also brought him some peace. To see different types of tubes in him. Because that meant that if anything suddenly went wrong, a person would immediately come help. He was getting help, and the best part was that it was by people who knew what they were doing.

 

Baekhyun walked next to Kai’s bed as the taller man kept his eyes closed, nothing but his steady heartbeat beeping on the screen audible. He reached out for his hand, nearly breaking down at how fragile it felt. He felt so helpless. He couldn’t do anything to ease his pain, so he did the only thing he could think of. He sat there, watching as the sun set behind the window, holding onto Kai’s hand and rubbing soft circles on his knuckles. He told him about San Francisco and how he bought him a bear. About the photoshoot and how nice Joshua and his house were. He told him he loved him, and in that moment that was more than enough. It wasn’t the plan, it wasn’t ideal to be hanging out at the hospital when they should be wasting their youth together somehow differently. It wasn’t perfect, but as Kai stirred in his sleep, likely to wake up soon as the medication wore off, Baekhyun knew he didn’t want perfect. He never did. All he ever wanted was him, his love and some time. 

"I couldn't be here before you fell asleep," Baekhyun chuckled sadly, "but I'll be here when you wake up."

But remember, we don’t get everything we want.


	10. ask here for updates

when i used to write bad cringy hetero 5sos fics that i only published on wattpad, i had a part where people could complain about my bad updating schedule, so here the part is again in its true glory.

how this works, is that in this particular story part everyone is allowed to complain about my bipolar updating a much as they want (and send love this way too, if you want!)

i hope you'll keep on reading and supporting my work. thank you!


	11. a memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'd like to remind everyone that if you're going through a hard time please reach out for help

**chapter ten - a memory**

 

**\- FIVE YEARS**

 

Chanyeol could clearly remember the walk from his childhood home to his elementary and middle school. The different buildings he passed daily for years on end, the people he ran into all the time but never took the time to get to know and the people he wished he had were all permanently and securely saved in his mind. He remembered the trees framing the medium sized park he used to play in as a toddler, the pond he used to admire the reflection of the world from, and the green, spiky grass that tickled his bare feet on the hot summer days he had nothing else to do than to have fun.

 

He remembered the day he was told his family was moving. On that day, the sun was shining brightly, the sky not showcasing a single pillow-like cloud, the only color to be seen being a light light blue. Birds were chirping, it was spring and as many great things, he too got a new beginning. He remembered saying goodbye to his friends, and slowly the once vivid image of the unnecessarily big, barely habited block of apartments he used to live in turned into a mere seepia in his thoughts, as the memory only effectively wore out the more he spent time in a new town. Change is scary, no matter what one might argue. Change leaves an ugly, unnecessary, scary gap of room for failure. But maybe leaving a city where nothing ever changed in the first place was for the better. Maybe leaving something behind wasn’t bad. Change can be positive. Maybe so, but change takes some serious balls to actually achieve.

 

He remembered the traffic lights that always were a comical shade or two off, and would stop working every two or so months. It was nowhere near safe, but it made games like ‘how many almost-crashes will happen today?’, and ‘how many times will Mrs. Rogers yell at us today?’ possible. It was a small town, and at the end of the day, entertainment was at a serious low, and definitely something you needed to produce by yourself.

 

Some things are better off not to be remembered, to be pushed as far back in your mind as possible. What kind of sadist wants to be reminded of a tragedy, or an utterly traumatic experience? The more the memory would fade, the more it would feel like a story and thus be forgotten. The more you can convince yourself that your past is a story and the more you allow yourself to forget, the better. That’s what Chanyeol believed up until the very day he met him. The day his heart skipped a beat and his view in life changed completely.

 

At the end of the day, the bottom line here is, that everything will change, and nothing will stay the same.

 

When the word ‘him’ is mentioned, your mind must’ve jumped to a certain silver-haired male. I’m right, aren’t I? Unfortunately, I’m obligated to inform you it’s a different ‘he’ we’re talking of today. But don’t worry, your ‘he’ will return soon. But this is not about him. This is about Chanyeol Park and his past no one knew about.

 

Now, where was I?

 

Ah yes, him. He sure was something else entirely. He really wasn’t some ordinary boy you’d meet at a community college, or at the story. He who was forever to colored yellow and orange and every other color that could possibly be associated with happiness and warmth in his memories, he who was like the comforting flame of a candle and the warmth of a fluffy blanket. 

  
  


It should be noted that it was raining like never before the night they met, which was only the most delicate of intros, some sort of predicament, maybe referring to the liquid that Chanyeol's eyes would be pouring out at the end of the summer. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

  
  
  


He remembered leaving the second place he ever called home. How he told his father he wanted to act, and how the man reluctantly let him pursue his dream. He remembered the night he first arrived in San Francisco, since LA was a bit too expensive for him. And he'll never forget the first person he had the pleasure of getting to know there; a friendly older lady named Beth, who got him a taser as a housewarming gift. Beth often liked to brag about him after his movie debut. He thought it was precious.

 

But even more important than the first person, was person number two. Person number two would always have a strong grip on his heart, mind, soul and body, never once easing or disappearing. 

 

Kim Minseok, Minseok Kim, or Minseok McDonald (as Beth called him, mostly as a joke, more about that later) was person number two, who held first place in his heart. Beth's adoptive grandson, whom he was glad to have met and kept by accident. 

 

He didn’t remember the exact date, but if he really tried , the month of October seemed suitable for the events that took place. He remembered going to the bakery to buy Beth some muffins because Beth was a huge fan of the mentioned treats (no matter what type), before paying her a visit.

He was wearing a green hoodie, one he must’ve gotten when he was sixteen., and a lousy pair of track pants. He didn’t look exactly ruggedly handsome, even if Beth made it her mission to always convince him so.

Upon his visit to deliver the steaming hot muffins to Beth, the door wasn’t opened by the small yet feisty woman with tight curl patterns, but by a man so breathtaking Chanyeol nearly dropped the precious chocolate chip muffins.

 

“Chocolate chip, really? I’m telling you, the blueberry ones will blow your mind.” No introduction, no greeting, just a degradement of his choice of muffin and a passive recommendation. well , that was Minseok in a nutshell, as Chanyeol would later learn.

 

Clearing his throat, Chanyeol was careful not to look the man in the eyes, mostly in fear of getting lured by them.

 

“Is Beth here?” Chanyeol asked, his grip on the muffins tightening.

“Oh, Nana is in the living room. I take it you’re the young man living next door who’s ‘exactly my type’ who she won’t shut up about,” the beautiful creature leaning against the doorframe chuckled, folding his arms. “She’s right, you really are  awkward.”

 

Chanyeol was sure he’d put all the tomatoes and cherries to shame with the shade of red his cheeks were sporting. 

 

Satan herself appeared at the ajar door, grinning like a devil, as they say.

“Chanyeol! I see you’ve met Minseok,” she said, not even bothering to hide her satisfaction. “He’s my grandson, so do be good to him. Oh how the time flies, I’m late for bingo! I won’t be back until late at night, maybe you two should get to know eachother better. Don’t wait up!” Beth was out of the door in a flash as her tiny figure entered a cab faster than light. It occured to Chanyeol he was practically babysitting this very young-looking fellow.

  
  


“That crazy woman just set us up. Unbelievable, you mention once how you hate being single and the next week she sets you up with her barely-legal neighbor,” the boy explained, an exaggerated gasp leaving his mouth as he was ready to close the door.

 

“Sorry you went through so much trouble to come see her. If I had known I would’ve stopped her, but she loves to do things without telling anyone, she’s always been like that. Anyhow, would you like to come in?”  As the man finished speaking Chanyeol noticed only then how hard it was actually raining outside. 

 

“I- That would be nice, thank you, but I can fully well go home too,” Chanyeol explained, not sure how to feel about hanging out with his neighbor’s grandson, whom he didn’t even know.

 

“Come in, you went through all that trouble just to be nice we might as well eat the muffins to make her jealous,” Minseok snorted, opening the door more to let Chanyeol in. The young actor considered for a while, thinking of how the chances of this stranger being a murderer were slim to none, and soon he was standing i the apartment he'd been to countless times before. 

 

“So, Chanyeol, what brings you to San Francisco?” Minseok asked as he guided him to the kitchen, getting two plates from the cabinet. 

 

“I'm in a movie. I have like five lines in the entire two hour thing but it’s better than none,” Chanyeol explained, wondering why he told that to a stranger so easily. It's not like he was one to brag about his accomplishments, but the man was easy to talk to.

 

“Oh, that's cool. I'll have to go see it when it comes out!” Minseok smiled, “Do you want coffee? Or perhaps, tea?”

 

“Yeah,” Chanyeol responded.

“Yeah isn't an answer to a multi option question,” Minseok laughed, watching as a shade of pink overtook the taller’s cheek. 

 

“Yes, I’ll take the coffee, please,” Chanyeol spluttered out, keeping his mouth shut after that in fear of being humiliated by himself again.

“Okay, why don’t you go sit in the living room while I make it?” Minseok suggested, pulling his jeans up. Chanyeol nodded, guiding himself through the familiar apartment and plopped down on the red couch positioned behind a coffee table. He looked around, and found himself noticing things he hadn’t quite paid attention to during his previous visits. Like the excessive amounts of pictures of Minseok (seriously, how did he miss that?) and his siblings and relatives. The pictures weren’t arranged in any type of order, they were just placed on top of counters, but it was clear that it was important for Beth to see all their faces, not one of the picture frames covering another. 

 

“Chanyeol! Do you use milk or sugar?” Minseok yelled from the kitchen, snapping Chanyeol out of his trance, as he found himself yelling back an answer of “yes”.

 

“So both?” Minseok yelled again, a smile on his face that Chanyeol would never know of. 

“Yes!”

Minseok soon appeared to sit next to Chanyeol, handing him a steaming hot ‘World’s Best Grandma’-cup filled with coffee. Chanyeol thanked him, savouring the warmth provided by the still hot liquid inside the cup.

 

“So, Chanyeol, I’d like to get to know you better,” Minseok spoke up after a while of silence. The silence wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but the uneasiness of being strangers lingered in the air so aggressively it was impossible to call the silence comfortable, or even bearable. 

 

“Well, what do you want to know?” Chanyeol asked, suddenly feeling nervous because of the way Minseok looked at him. His eyes were so intense, yet didn’t give in and tell anything of his intentions. 

 

“Everything, tell me everything, Chanyeol,” Minseok said, and perhaps it was the hopeful tone in his voice, or the fact that Chanyeol was fastly growing quite fond of the man, but Chanyeol found himself telling the man he’d only known for ten minutes his entire life story. 

 

And Minseok listened, clearly paying attention but never interrupting him, unless it was to ask a question. They talked, sipping on the coffee that turned colder as the hours of the night turned into ones in the early morning. The muffins stayed untouched on the kitchen table.

  
  


That was Chanyeol’s first month in San Fran, and he felt as if he finally belonged. It sounds terribly cliche, but a little cliche never hurt anyone. Chanyeol felt like he was a walking cliche, even in a state like California where it seemed everyone had a tragic backstory to tell. 

 

He didn’t see Minseok again for another month or so after that and he had just figured that the older (as he found out while mercilessly bombarding him with questions on the night Beth left them together) was somehow put off by his overly open personality and never wanted to see him again.

 

Needless to say he was very confused to open his door to a drunk Minseok six weeks after their first encounter.

 

“Minseok! Are you okay, oh my god, you look terrible,” Chanyeol had gasped, pulling the man in and hoisting him up on his shoulders to carry him to the tiny couch in his living room. 

 

“Channie! I’m sorry for bothering you, nana left town!” Chanyeol didn’t have the heart to tell him that he in fact knew this already, as Beth herself had told her she’d go visit her old friends back in Boston and wouldn’t be back until a week later. 

 

“Okay, Min, do you have a place to stay? Do you have a key to Beth’s apartment?” Chanyeol asked, getting a water bottle from the fridge for Minseok to drink from (of course not without the other’s confused commenting).

 

“No, I forgot the key to my parents’ place when I went there to visit. Chanyeollie, I’m going to call you Chip from now on!” Minseok exclaimed, gigglin as if he’d come up with the best nickname.

 

“Why is that?” Chanyeol asked, failing to hide the smile that was rising on his face. He hoisted up the water bottle for Minseok to drink from it.

 

“Chanyeol, I can drink on my own!” Minseok tipsily exclaimed, grabbing hold of the bottle,his thin fingers on top of Chanyeol’s bigger ones.

 

“Of course you can, Min,” Chanyeol nodded along, his grip still tight on the water bottle. 

 

A silence ensued. Chanyeol took note on how Minseok’s eyebrows furrowed, his lips jutting out as he chugged down the water. The sun was long gone, sky pitch black as the only light in the room was provided by a small sad table lamp.

 

“Muffins,” Minseok said after placing the bottle on the table neatly, 

 

“Huh?” Chanyeol questioned, frowning as he did not understand what Minseok was trying to say.

 

“Chip. Because you like chocolate chip. And even though blueberry is better, I forgive you, because you’re cute!” Minseok laughed out, and Chanyeol caught the brisk scent of whiskey in his breath. 

 

“Min, you should probably go to sleep. Have some more water and then we’ll go to sleep,” Chanyeol sighed, undeniably affected by Minseok’s reveal. The man sure was a cute drunk, but Chanyeol preferred him sober.

 

“Chip, you have big ears. Like Dumbo. It’s cute, I can be the best friend- the rat was it? What was his name again- Channie what are you doing?” Minseok’s trail of thoughts was cut off when Chanyeol decided it was a good idea to scoop him up in his arms and walk him to his room. 

  
“Stay here, Min, I’ll be right back,” Chanyeol explained, disappearing into the kitchen, his head a mess of thoughts. 

 

From what he had gathered, Minseok had gone home, stayed there, came back to find Beth not home, got drunk and was now in his bed. 

 

Interesting. 

 

As Chanyeol was getting a bottle from the fridge, he felt slim arms wrapping around his waist.

 

“Chip, why’d you leave me ?” the familiar voice purred, and Chanyeol felt Minseok nuzzling his face into the fabric of his t.shirt.

 

“Min, I told you to stay in bed,” Chanyeol sighed, ignoring the frantic mess his stomach was. His heart was fluttering unnaturally and he was afraid it would burst. Minseok was older by two years, yet he seemed so small. How he managed to be mature yet incredibly adorable was beyond Chanyeol’s knowledge. But he did know the other needed to sleep, not that he’d feel any better in the morning.

 

“But it was so lonely and boring. You’re warm, Chip, you know that? Oh, your ears look red, are you okay?” Minseok’s flow of words was comforting, but also quite embarrassing.

 

“Minseok, you seriously need to get some sleep, we’ll talk more in the morning, okay?” Chanyeol sighed, turning around,now facing Minseok. A nanosecond later he found himself regretting this decision, as his hand flew up to cover his eyes. 

“M-Minseok! W-Where are y-your p-p-pants?” Chanyeol stuttered through his secondhand embarrassment.

 

“It was too hot and… not nice. Not cosy. So I took them off. You have nice nails,” Minseok chattered, making Chanyeol sigh.

 

“You’re not going to remember any of this in the morning and I’ll tell you all of it and we can both laugh at you, but for the time being, please go to bed, Minseok,” Chanyeol sighed, grabbing Minseok’s hand in his own as he more or less dragged him to the bed. He truly felt like a babysitter. 

 

Chanyeol tucked the half naked Minseok in his bed, making sure the bottle of water was on the bedside table incase he woke up in the middle of the night and would be thirsty.

 

He was getting ready to bunk at the hideous couch when Minseok reached out from under the covers, grabbing his wrist to stop his movements. He got up on his knees, he white t-shirt he was sporting sliding downward, efficiently covering the upperline of his underwear.

 

He reached out to bring Chanyeol down by his neck, pressing their lips in an innocent kiss.

“Thank you, Channie,” he whispered, falling back on the bed and falling asleep. Chanyeol’s cheeks were on fire as he dragged a blanket and a pillow to the living room, cramping his long body onto the minuscule couch.

 

He could barely sleep that night. 

  
  


***

 

Chanyeol was lying on the back of Minseok’s pick-up truck legs and fingers intertwined with Minseok’s as they watched the sunset. They had been dating for eight months, and Chanyeol was the happiest he’d ever been, he’d say so. He sighed contently as Minseok snuggled his face into the actor’s neck. 

 

“I love you,” Chanyeol murmured, pressing a quick kiss on the smaller man’s forehead.

“I know,” Minseok smiled, a yawn following soon after. He squeezed the material of Chanyeol’s hoodie tightly in his grasp, as if he was scared the lanky boy would disappear if he eased his old even for a second.

 

Chanyeol wasn’t quite phased by Minseok’s response. He didn’t need to hear Minseok to say he loved him to know it. He showed it in quick tender glances, packed lunches and texts of ‘remember to eat today!’

 

He smiled. He was so lucky.

 

“Min, what city is your favorite one?” Chanyeol asked out of the blue, lacing his free hand in Minseok’s black hair.

“Probably nyc. I have a bunch of great memories there, so yeah, definitely nyc.”

 

Chanyeol nodded as Minseok pecked his cheek and told them they should get going, since it was getting dark. Chanyeol complied and the drive back to Chanyeol’s apartment was silent. Not in a bad way. Never in a bad way, not when it came to the pair. Even though they were completely different they understood each other down to the bone.

 

Outside his building, they separated with a long, sweet kiss. They shared a glance, and no words were needed. Because the meaning was there.  _ I love you. _

 

A month later Minseok was pronounced dead, beaten by a disease not even Chanyeol knew about. His lover got taken away by the big dark monster people called depression, and not a day went by he didn’t blame himself.

 

Just a day, a sentence, a word would’ve been enough to get him to stay for another day. Just for a day, just for one day. 

 

He was left with a letter. A letter he couldn’t bare to open, so he never did.

 

If only. If only he’d known. If only...


	12. you

**chapter eleven - you**

 

**FOUR MONTHS**

  


Baekhyun casted his gaze to the view outside the foggy window, his cheeks strained with salty, hot tears. He wasn't exactly sure how many nights he'd spent just like that, with his cheeks wet and his stare and mind blank, unwilling to process the happenings just a few months prior. He wasn’t sure what to do, he felt like a walking corpse. He was the shell of a man, which he used to think was a dumb saying, but now he understood. He felt like he was constantly walking around with a knife in his chest, but he had been put on so many drugs he couldn’t feel anything.

 

His heart had been thrown back and forth, over and around so much, he wasn't sure if the pathetic excuse of a heart he possessed could even be considered one of that anymore. If anything, it was deformed and tormented, mostly resembling a shredded, sad circle. In the same metaphoric way a heart was, of course.

  


He looked down, the busy streets like many other things failing to cheer him up. These past weeks the only thing he had done was look at pictures of him and Jongin from years back, breaking down sobbing every time he saw the smile he now could only see once a day in video form, which held nothing against the live version.

 

After the surgery a few months ago, they had a long chat with the doctor, who informed them he had nine more months to live at best. The cancer he had battled for so long had started to spread. After a long conversation in private, Jongin had told him he wanted to go back to Korea for his remaining days. Baekhyun couldn’t exactly tell him no, as there was no reason for him to tell him no. But Baekhyun had things to finish, a job to complete and an apartment to finish paying for. He would go to South Korea in a month, and stay there with Jongin until the end. That was the plan, but he wasn’t sure how well he’d be able to live with Jongin without crying all the time.

 

Truth be told, the past two months, not a night went by he didn’t cry himself to slumber. It was pathetic, he hated his inability to stay strong, but he’d never had to be stronger,and it was slowly but surely breaking him down. Deep down he knew this is what he’d signed up for ever since day one. But he would’ve loved to simply live without knowing. Better yet, he’d love to live in a world where Jongin was perfectly fine. But we don’t get what we want. No matter how much we hope, stars die out and lights burn down. Life is a very temporary thing, and that should be remembered.

 

Life is a joke and your whole existence is an improv stand up show.

  


His phone buzzed, and soon Jongin’s pretty face was on his screen again.

 

“Nini! How are you?” Baekhyun said cheerily, hoping Jongin wouldn’t comment on his puffy, red eyes, showing that obviously he’d been crying. Of course he noticed, but out of his own sadness, he decided not to speak up about the observation.

 

“I’m good, darling, how is my beautiful prince today?” Jongin asked, smiling upon seeing Baekhyun laugh.

“Cringing at your cheesiness, but happy to see you,” Baekhyun exclaimed, staring at the man displayed on his cracked phone screen lovingly.

 

“Good to know. How’s the packing going?” Jongin yawned out, sounding like he’d just woken up.

“Absolutely terrible, I’m exhausted and didn’t realize how much stuff we actually have,”Baekhyun admitted, running his fingers through his faded hair. “Why do we still have the trophy you won when you were five? Not that I don’t like it, it’s adorable to know you were the best dancer in your class,” Baekhyun laughed out, Jongin soon joining him.

 

“Honestly you could just ditch the packing and come here with me tomorrow,” Jongin said, and the sound of a child screaming was audible in the background. Baekhyun figured it was one of his nephews or nieces.

“You know I can’t do that. Besides, it’s only a month and then we’ll see again,” Baekhyun said, trying to control his shaky voice. His goal for the call was to not to cry like he had in every other call. Can you really blame him though? Put yourself in his shoes, and try.

 

“How’s the boss taking this?” Jongin said, switching the subject. Baekhyun frowned.

“Hakyeon says it’s okay, he understands. Chanyeol doesn’t know, he doesn’t need to. He’ll be filming somewhere in Europe for a long time, so all I have to do is visit him once in every country. Other than that, I’m all yours,” Baekhyun informed, a small sigh escaping his lips.

 

“Jongin, I was thinking I should try to get the contract demolished. I know it’s dumb for me to do, I already signed it and it’ll be near impossible to find a loophole, but there has to be something. I mean, I just want to spend all my time with you, and I feel like this job is taking away most of it,” Baekhyun said, and his goal of not crying was proving itself to be an impossible task to complete.

 

“Listen, I want you to do it.”

 

Silence ensued. Baekhyun was too shocked to say anything and Jongin didn’t try to explain the odd statement any further.

 

“What do you mean? Jongin, it’s silly and it’s hurting us both, you know that,” Baekhyun argued, a lump in his throat growing.

 

“It’s not silly. It’s better that you have someone once I’m gone. You’ll fall in love with him and I’ll be a mere memory. You know it’s better that way, why not just accept the fact?” Jongin said, the look of authenticity and the tiny speck of pain in his eyes pissing the smaller man off.

 

“How dare you say that? How fucking dare you. Are you hearing yourself? Did I not tell you I will never love Park? I can’t believe you. Do you just expect me to move on from you? Jongin I’ve loved you ever since I was nineteen. I will never not love you, never mind get over you. I won’t allow myself. Do you think I want to play a perfect boyfriend for Park? No, I don’t. I accepted the job with you in mind. All I’ve ever wanted was you, so don’t you dare think I’ll let myself love again, especially so shortly after you. Never say that again. Never speak about me moving on so casually again. Never say that, because that means you’re fine with it.

 

It makes this all seem far too real. And I don’t want to accept reality yet. Not yet. For now I just want to live in a bubble with you. And that’s what we’ll do. We’ll live in a bubble. And one day the bubble will burst, and I’ll make a new one just for me. But just know, there’s not a universe with love if you’re not in it. You’re the one for me, Jongin, I had my great big romance already, and it was more than enough.” He took a deep breath, “So I’m asking you to live this romance to the fullest, live it up to the bittersweet supernova. Because when I accepted this ring from you, I told you I’d be here to see your supernova, and you swore you’d see mine. I’m not going anywhere, not now, not tomorrow, not in seven months, not ever. I love you, Kim Jongin.”

 

Jongin smiled. “Thank you, Baekhyun.”

  
  


       Baekhyun taped close the tenth cardboard box that night, and he felt as if there was no end to the range of things the pair had gotten over the years. He was about to start going through another closet, when a particular stuffed animal appeared, almost out of thin air.

He lifted it up, laughing tearily at the lopsided sewed smirk on the off-brand Pikachu, that happened to be missing an ear. His mind trailed to the day he got it. How could he forget?

  


 

****THREE ½ YEARS** **

 

 

Baekhyun looked skeptically at the moped Kai had somehow found. The day had not gone well whatsoever, so their last resort was Jongin’s sister’s old moped no one had used for years.

 

They were supposed to take the train, but due to an accident, the trains were slow to arrive. They didn’t have the patience to wait, so naturally, their only option was to go back to Kai’s place and steal the ugly moped.

 

“It doesn’t look too promising, I know, but it’ll get us to the café, I promise!” Kai had assured him, but Baekhyun felt a tinge of doubt as he sat on the seat of the scary motor vehicle.

 

First dates were supposed to be awkward. That’s what Baekhyun thought, he believed so, why wouldn’t he? Every date he’d been on previously had been unbearably awkward, so it only made sense if this one would be too. But that didn’t happen. He knew Kai a bit too well and liked him a bit too much to let things get awkward.

 

Of course there were moments where the conversational part wasn’t as fluent as it would be on any other day, but that was granted, as that could happen when switching from friends to something more.

 

Baekhyun had fallen asleep with his cheek smushed against Jongin’s back. It was nice until he fell to the ground upon the impact of Jongin getting up without checking the state of his awakeness.

 

“Kai I almost died! How could you! I trusted you!” Baekhyun had exclaimed, quickly shutting up as Jongin pulled him up and led him inside to their designated date place.

 

“So, want to get your ass beaten at pac man?” Jongin asked, a sly smirk playing teasingly on his smooth lips.

 

“Not gonna happen, loser. Just see, I’ll beat the highest score, too!”

“Oh we’ll see about that,” Jongin spoke, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

 

An hour passed, and the both of them had somehow scored the lowest points in the entire game in its history of arcade players.

 

“In my defense, I haven’t played in years,” Baekhyun said, a frown casted on his face.

“Same,” Jongin shrugged, soon breaking out into a smile as he watched Baekhyun’s facial expressions.

 

“Let’s go get some food and head home,” Baekhyun suggested, making Jongin nod in response.

 

“What do you think the birds think of us?” Jongin asked as they exited the arcade hall. In this situation many people would’ve said this was a dumb question and would’ve laughed it off. But not Baekhyun. And that’s why Kai liked him so much. He didn’t question, he understood.

 

“The probably think we’re crazy. Getting anxious over silly things and always worrying and hurrying. They probably see as silly giants,” Baekhyun replied, hopping on Kai’s moped, now having accepted that riding it won’t bring him death.

 

“Probably,” Kai confirmed, clicking his helmet closed and continuing their journey to McDonald’s.

  
  
  


  Baekhyun had insisted they share a happy meal. Partly because that’s all they could afford after spending their money on dumb things before.

 

“That is the ugliest rip-off Pikachu I’ve ever seen,” Jongin comments as Baekhyun presses a hand to his chest, pretending to be hurt.

 

“He did not travel here all the way from China to be disrespected like this! He’s a better Pikachu than you’ll ever be.”

“You don’t even like Pikachu-”  
“That is not the point here!” Baekhyun laughed, failing to have a serious conversation about the wanna-be Pikachu.

 

Kai laughed along, stopping abruptly, as if someone had paused him. Baekhyun had felt nervous, asking him to stop messing around.

 

“Baekhyun, I love you,” Jongin whispered, afraid of being heard by anyone else than the boy the words directed at. It wasn’t exactly an ideal place for a confession. It wasn’t perfect, or romance at its finest. But Baekhyun never wanted perfect.

 

“I love you, too,” Baekhyun smiled, keeping his voice low as well.

 

Because you, my darling deserve the best and only the best.


	13. time doesn't heal

**chapter twelve - time doesn’t heal**

 

**FOUR MONTHS**

  
  


The air condition was most definitely broken and Chanyeol hated every second of the duration he had to deal with it. The whole week, he’d complained to the landlord, yet received no response. At this point he was sure the man was starting to ignore his texts and calls altogether. Anyhow, he was accepting his faith and was trying to live with the terrible air conditioning.  

  
  
  


He glanced at the window he'd left open just slightly so the cool air could sneak into his apartment, but only managed to get in a brisk smell of gas. 

  
  
  
  


He sighed, looking at the coffee table full of different cans and bottles with different etiquettes, figuring he should get rid of them, yet he didn't quite harbour the energy to do so, so he opted to ignore them just for a day longer. 

  
  
  
  


He tried to check the notifications on his phone, only to realize he hadn't charged the electronic block the night before, leaving him with an empty battery. 

  
  
  
  
  


He shrugged to himself, hunting for his charger to attach it to his phone. After doing so, he decided to complete his unofficial morning routine, albeit the action was completed half-heartedly, just like every other day. 

  
  
  


Perhaps he should’ve pitied himself. Hadn't he been through a lot? From the inevitable childhood trauma and bullying story to the hard teenage years and the death of his lover, shouldn't he be wallowing in his self-pity, too depressed to move? Yet he wasn't. He was just, kind of existing, on a floating rock destined to die. He wouldn't say he was empty, but saying he felt normal, or whole would be a lie. He missed his better half, of course he did. But as time healed, time forgot. Time slowly faded away the soft kisses and nights filled with intense young love just learning how to exist, the look of bangs messed on his lover’s forehead and his soft voice as they sang until the early hours of the morning. The smell of chocolate chip muffins was something he hadn't been able to bare in years, so he dropped them altogether.

 

Is this better, then? Forgetting, but never completely, reminding himself, but not too much. Just to not get hurt all over again. But hurt was inevitable, he knew it. He was bound to get hurt sometime in the future, but anything he could do to prevent it from happening, or happening too intensely, he would do. Because he never wanted to feel the way he did five years ago. He never wanted to feel like his heart was being buried alive alongside with someone else. 

 

Feelings were so complicated, so out of touch yet so connected and so important. Feelings were so hard to figure out, they scared him. A lot. But he'd never admit that. Did he have a reason to reveal weakness when he didn't need to? That's what feelings are. Weakness. Weakness he can't afford to have.

  
  


He thinks of this as another bottle follows the multiple other ones messily on coffee table. Weak, so weak. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It was the fifth, and Chanyeol was wearing his green hoodie. The hoodie was freshly washed, albeit a stain that he was never able to get out still ghosted on it, and honestly he didn't want it to fade. A hint of a smile dared to surface, as he thought of the stain and how it got there.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Chanyeol is playing Mario Kart, loud shouts and curses exiting his mouth as Minseok laughs at him, sitting on his lap with a controller in his hands.  _

 

_ “Chanyeol, just admit that you've lost!” Minseok insists, laughing as Chanyeol's huffs in reply.  _

 

_ “I do not lose! And definitely not to midgets like you!” Chanyeol yells out, yelping when Minseok elbows him in his ribs. _

 

_ “Shut up,” Minseok mumbles, grateful that Chanyeol is too focused on the characters driving in the game to notice his grin. _

 

_ “Last round. Loser buys the muffins,” Chanyeol speaks as he has lost yet another match to Minseok. Not that either one of them was counting, but the score was 9-6, in Minseok’s favor.  _

 

_ “You say that, yet we both know you'll always end up paying once we get there. Even if I happened to lose,” Minseok comments, not even needing to turn around to know his brat of a boyfriend is blushing.  _

 

_ “I-I do not!” But even as he says it, he knows it's a lie. But it's not a bad one, and it's more than worth it when the laugh that escapes Minseok’s mouth finds it way to his ears. _

 

_ Minseok only hums, now clearly focusing on the game and Chanyeol knows he's done for. Not because of the game, because truthfully the game is just an excuse to hang out with the older. But because the look on his face is enough to light his heart on fire, the feeling of butterflies trashing in his stomach making it hard for him to focus.  _

 

_ His side profile is something Chanyeol doesn't mind admiring. From his eyebrows to the curve of his jaw, everything was perfect with the added benefit of imperfection that only made Chanyeol fall in love with the looks of Minseok. _

 

_ But the looks aren't all in all, Chanyeol knows. _

 

_ Because Minseok is the most kind person he knows. He could babble on about how amazing he is, never once stopping unless stopped.  _

  
  


_ “Chanyeol, you lost, let's go buy the muffins!” Chanyeol is brought out of his trance, a small smile slipping on his lips.  _

  
  
  


_ So beautiful.  _

  
  
  
  


_ Minseok is sitting with him on his couch ten minutes later, munching on a blueberry muffin, provided by Chanyeol and the bakery down the corner.  _

 

_ He looks so happy to be savoring the treat, and that's when Chanyeol knows it. He's in love.  _

 

_ And maybe it's the fact that Minseok is still securely in his lap, or the fact that his hair is a bit disheveled and he looks absolutely adorable, maybe it's because of the warmth he feels or the dimmed lights in the living room as the wind howls outside, maybe he's just out of his mind. But it's then that he knows his feelings are definite. His feelings are so overpowering, there's no use in trying to hold back. _

  
  


_ “Minseok?” Chanyeol voices out, watching the older jump a bit from being surprised, then turning around to face him, his hand getting placed on his chest. _

 

_ “Yeah?” he asks, crumbles of the muffin falling from his mouth as Chanyeol swiftly kisses them away (fearing that this might be the last time he gets to kiss those lips). _

 

_ “Minseok, I'm in love with you.” _

 

_ Neither of them say anything, the only thing audible being both of their breathing. Silence, just silence, and even if it's ten seconds at best, it's enough to make Chanyeol regret ever living. _

 

_ Chanyeol realizes the muffin that was previously in Minseok’s hand is now coloring his hoodie, but he doesn't say anything. Instead he closes his eyes, wondering whether it's possible to be swallowed by the earth or not. _

 

_ Too busy being mortified, Chanyeol doesn't see the grin that spreads across Minseok’s face. _

 

_ “Chip, open your eyes,” Minseok’s soft voice sounds like honey, but Chanyeol shakes his head. _

 

_ “Chanyeol… Open your eyes,” Minseok whispers, and Chanyeol now knows his face is closer, yet he still refuses to open his eyes. _

 

_ He hears a sigh, and then he feels a pair of lips pressing against his in a quick kiss.  _

 

_ “I'm in love with you, too.” _

  
  


_ That night Chanyeol is too happy to go to sleep.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He's bitter.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He was sitting in the same office he'd been in every month on the same exact day.

 

“Hello again, Chanyeol, what shall we discuss today?” asked Dr. Richards, and Chanyeol really didn't want to hate the guy, but somehow he did. He knew he was only trying to help, but even the smile he had on his face was so obviously fake it made him uncomfortable. 

 

“I don't know,” Chanyeol replied, in all honesty. Dr. Richards didn't say anything for a whole, didn't look angry or pleased, didn't really look human. But eventually he smiled.

 

“How have you been feeling lately?” the man asked, lips forcedly quirked upwards.

 

“Okay, I guess,” Chanyeol replies, shifting in his seat. He doesn’t know why he keeps coming to these sessions. He barely talks. He barely opens up. It doesn’t help. If anything, it makes him feel more anxious than before.

 

“That’s good then. Is there anything on your mind you’d like to share?” the doctor asked, looking at Chanyeol through his thick rimmed glasses. Chanyeol felt like he was being judged. 

 

“I mean I guess, but it… it requires some backstory,” Chanyeol explained, feeling his heartbeat speed up. He’s scared. Why is he scared? This man was getting paid to ease his problems not make him more self-conscious. But still, somehow, he’s absolutely terrified. 

  
  


There’s that split second when coming out in which your heart is speeding like a racecar and races to your throat and you kind of feel terrified because reactions are never predictable. No matter how well you know the person, there’s always that what if. What if it all goes wrong?

  
  


“I’m… I was- no, I mean-ugh this is so hard- I’m, uh, I’m gay,” he managed to stumble out, but the expression on the doctor’s face doesn’t change at all.  _ Is that a good thing or not?  _

He decided to continue explaining.

  
  


“And some years ago I fell in love with this man who was a few years older than me yet people always thought I was the older one of the two of us,” he laughed, “anyway, it was great. We were together for almost a year, and one day he went missing. And I never saw him again.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Chanyeol was shaking, partly from all the coffee he had drunk just to stay awake (he doesn’t even like coffee that much!) and partly from the incredible amount of anxiety colouring his mind.  _

 

_ “Where is he? Have you looked in the forest? He likes the forest, he said the trees make him feel at ease- what do you mean I shouldn’t be calling at this hour? The love of my life is missing and you’re doing jackshit to find him!” Chanyeol roared into the phone in his hand, never minding the annoyed neighbors on the other sides of the walls. _

 

_ The officer on the other line hung up and Chanyeol was yet again disappointed and left to stay awake in hopes Minseok suddenly decides to come home.  _

 

_ He rubbed his eyes, glancing at the clock that informed him that he was an idiot for staying up another night, but he couldn’t help the fact that he was worried.  _

 

_ Because he had every right to be so.  _

  
  


_ He walked around his apartment, not liking how quiet it was without a certain short-ish man. The decent sized apartment seemed to lack life when there wasn’t a better soul to frame it and live inside it. It just didn’t work. The red sofa cushions just looked pathetic in their trial to bring life in to the room, when Chanyeol knew there was a person who could light up the world with the flicker of a smile. _

 

_ There was a single sunflower in a vase, its leaves and petals having dropped off long ago, but one petal stubbornly stuck, so Chanyeol didn’t have the heart to throw it away. _

 

_ He walks around the living room, his foot coming to contact with a jewelry box. He had seen Minseok carry it a few weeks ago, but didn’t bother to ask what it was.  _

 

_ He wished he had.  _

 

_ He was about to open the box with the key that was taped on the side when the phone rang, and Chanyeol sprinted to answer it.  _

 

_ The same man he was talking to earlier was heard. _

 

_ “Chanyeol? We found your boy. I’m sorry, he’s not gonna make it. There’s too much blood, he’s living his last moments as we speak-” the officer explained, seemingly sorry. Chanyeol interrupted him, “Can you give him the phone?”  _

 

_ A shuffle was heard as the phone gets passed, and Chanyeol knows it’s Minseok. There’s no one else whose sniffles sound like that. _

 

_ “C-chanyeol. Please forgive me, I always loved you please remember that. Remember to find your sun, don’t be in darkness… I’m sor.. Chanye..” The line cut dead. And he swears, he has never hated the sound of nothing before that moment. _

  
  


_ “Minseok! MINSEOK, ANSWER ME. KIM MINSEOK DON’T YOU FUCKING LEAVE ME!” Chanyeol yelled, slamming his phone on the ground. _

 

_ He didn’t cry. He didn’t sob. He didn’t feel sad. He felt sick. He didn’t believe it. He threw up the little he had eaten the previous evening.  _

 

_ He collapsed on the ground, not even caring about the fact that he’s lying in his own vomit. _

 

_ He felt all energy drain out of him, the caffeine failing to keep him awake for any longer. _

 

_ It’s then that the realization settled in, and he felt like he’s being stabbed from every direction. And as he sobs on the ground, pathetic, sleep-deprived and covered in vomit he knows he’s never going to be the same. _

  
  


_ The flower petal drops to the ground, and it feels like the soft sound of it hitting the floor is the loudest one yet, colored with the feeling of dark indigo.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“It’s been six years since that night. Every year I plan to go to San Fran to visit his grandmother but it feels inappropriate. It feels too real. It would force me to accept this completely, and honestly, I’m not ready to do that yet. Because I feel like that means I’m letting him go for good,” Chanyeol finished his story, not knowing where to look. He felt awkward looking at the doctor himself, he didn’t want to see the look on his face yet. He noted how he only cried a bit while telling his sob story. He took it as a sign of progress.

 

“It’s totally normal to feel sad, but Chanyeol, it’s been six years, it’s not healthy to cry over someone who died all the way back then. You need to get over it, there’s ways you can get over him without forgetting!”

 

Chanyeol felt enraged. It was normal; his feelings were normal and he knew that. 

  
  
  


He got up and left, not wanting to stand the man any longer.

  
  
  


And he felt suffocated even more so than before.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ He was sitting there, in the reception  of the funeral being held two weeks after the incident, and even as the casket was open for everyone to stare into, it all felt too unreal.  _

 

_ Not the good unreal you’d experience upon getting good news or the feeling you get when you succeed. _

 

_ The type of unreal you experience when you don’t want to acknowledge happenings as facts instead of fiction. _

 

_ And as Chanyeol couldn’t keep his eyes off the coffin his lover laid in, he realized that the warmth he once shared with the man was gone with the man himself. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ As soon as the entire thing was over and Minseok was six foot under the grass, Chanyeol ran. He ran away from the loud cries of Beth as she begged him not to leave, away from the fresh, new gravestone he couldn’t stand looking at and most importantly way from himself.  _

 

_ He ran until his lungs couldn’t take it and the metallic taste of blood overtook his sense of taste. As he was gasping for air he swore he saw a shooting star.  _

 

**_I hope you’re home. As home was with you for me I hope it can be rebuilt, and one day I’ll join you and we’ll both be home at last._ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Chanyeol hadn’t even drunken anything stronger than water, yet he felt like he was experiencing a hangover. He of course, knew a thing or two about this phenomenon, having gone through it a time or two before.

 

But this emotional type if hangover was far worse, and he felt like someone ran over his heart with a pickup truck. 

 

Was he too caught up in the past? Was he really? 

 

He couldn’t help but wonder. 

 

All the ‘what if’s surrounded him and he felt hazy, soon dropping on the sofa in his lousy living room. The redness of the cushion still bothered him. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He woke up to his phone letting out an obnoxious ‘bling’ sound. 

  
  
  


He looked at the block, reading the text message that couldn’t have been from anyone else than Hakyeon. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ The show must go on! Go shopping, a car will pick you up in five. Don’t fuck anything up!  _

_ Xx _

  
  
  
  
  
  


Chanyeol rolled his eyes, rubbing the remains of sleep out of his eyes. He felt emotionally heavy. He didn’t feel like a happy teenager, which to be fair he hadn’t been in five years. And he hadn’t even been an adult for more than four years either. Why must everything be so hard?

  
  
  


Grumpily he got up, fixed his hair up a bit, closed the lights and headed out, knowing he wasn’t going to enjoy whatever the next hour or two would end up consisting of. As soon as he had read the text, he knew what it was about. Baekhyun. On any other day or the days before this one, he would’ve been happy that he was going to spend time with the smaller. Well, maybe not exactly happy but definitely not feeling repulsed. But now he dreaded the meeting. Something about the promise of denied love made him uneasy. Would he have fallen in love with Baekhyun if he hadn’t shown the massive signs of his disinterest? The thought scared him, as he thought about loving someone again. About how beautiful yet immensely painful love was, and how he didn’t think he could or wanted to go through it again, and with anyone else than his first love.

 

Was it selfish to deny himself the danger and the thrill of falling, of loving hard and loving slow, loving like there was no tomorrow? Was it dumb, was it all just a damn joke. Hypothetically, if he were to fall in love again (not necessarily with Baekhyun, just any guy in general), he wouldn’t be able to give his all and not feel guilty. Because a part of him was in a coffin under the stars above San Francisco. And he couldn’t bare to give someone just sixty percent. He didn’t want to be that unfortunate soul who never got over their first love. He didn’t want to disappoint anyone, but most importantly he never wanted to cause anyone pain. 

He didn’t want anyone to cry if he vanished into thin air. He didn’t want anyone to worry as he was slowly drifting away into sweet nothingness with home in mind.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He didn’t want love and he desperately hoped love wouldn’t want him either. Because no one deserves a broken toy.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The car was the same as ever, with the same driver that Chanyeol knew nothing about, the same seats now with the added decoration of Baekhyun sipping on a take-away coffee. 

 

He doesn’t speak, doesn’t utter a word as the only noise comes from outside the moving vehicle. 

 

Chanyeol doesn’t speak either, his mind too occupied jumping around everywhere else than things concerning the people inside the car.

 

What was this day? A test to see how well he managed to act even when feeling like throwing up? Because February fifth was a bad day and Hakyeon knew it, so why not let Chanyeol keep to himself the entire day? But no, things had to be done in order to keep up Chanyeol’s and Baekhyun’s pathetic joined ‘love life’. 

  
  


Chanyeol had made a post explaining his current relationship status (without telling too much, of course) and mostly the feedback was positive and people seemed to really like Baekhyun and supported the couple. But negativity was bound to be received, which the both of them knew would be inevitable. 

 

Chanyeol glanced at Baekhyun for the first time since he had last seen him. Back in San Francisco? Had it really been that long? He wondered if the minimal but visible hatred was getting to the smaller boy. His face was swollen and his eyes were red, small red triangles under his eyes that seemed to come from rubbing the skin too much. He wasn’t a clueless moron; he knew the man had been crying. But because of what? What could be so devastating? He felt bad, Baekhyun didn’t deserve hate. He didn’t do anything except write his name on a piece of paper. 

  
  


He decided to not to comment, as it was none of his business in the first place. Baekhyun could do whatever he wanted for all Chanyeol cared. He could sob off his eyes or scream his lungs out. Because unless a camera was there, it was none of his business. 

  
  


The driver parked the car on the side of the road and the pair take it as their sign to get off. Baekhyun slipped on a pair of sunglasses, as does Chanyeol and they headed out to the busy streets.

  
  


For a while neither of them said anything and the tension got unbearable. It felt like a sticky situation that Chanyeol can’t wait to get out of.

 

They looked at each other, not knowing what to say. Chanyeol fiddled with the keychain in his pocket, and Baekhyun just stared blankly (it’s hard to make out expressions through the glasses).

 

“Have you eaten yet?” Chanyeol heard himself break the silence. Baekhyun shook his head. He hadn’t, in fact he hadn’t eaten since the lunch he had on the previous day.

 

“We should go eat then,” Chanyeol muttered, hesitantly grabbing Baekhyun’s hand as he hunted for a place to eat at. Baekhyun just silently tightened the grip so slightly that Chanyeol is almost sure he imagined the whole thing. But he hadn’t, he knew he hadn’t, because as soon as he felt the slight pressure being applied to his hand he saw the dusk of pink haunt Baekhyun’s cheeks as he tried to help with the search. If it wasn’t the day it happened to be, Chanyeol would’ve smiled. 

  
  
  
  
  


But it was February fifth and he didn’t feel anything.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They ended up eating at some Italian place neither one of them had been to before but loved the garlic bread. They ate in silence but this time it was leaning on more of the comfortable type. Not that it wasn’t awkward, because it totally was, just not as much. 

  
  
  
  


After eating they weren’t sure what to do. Hakyeon had sent them messages threatening all sorts of things if they dared to come back a second before nine.

  
  


So at seven the both of them were filled with good food but oh so terribly lost and lacking things to do.

  
  


“Should we go shopping then?” Baekhyun asked, his voice sounding like sandpaper. 

  
  


“I mean if you want to then sure, we can do that,” Chanyeol shrugged. His voice was so void of emotion and Baekhyun hated it. He hated the way he sounded so detached. But he didn’t prod, only nodding.

 

The first store they went into was a clothing store, as Baekhyun felt he needed warmer clothing to keep him cozy through the rest of the winter. He only bought a sweater before hey decided it was time to continue their shopping spree of sorts.’

 

With one bag in hand, and Chanyeol’s gasping his other one, Baekhyun felt dirty. He was supposed to be in Korea, taking care of his husband-to-be. But instead there he was in New York City holding the hand of another man. 

 

For the first time in a while, he was disgusted with himself. And he couldn’t help but think that he didn’t deserve any of the men in his life. He felt so little and so incapable that he could feel the burden of sweet nothingness tightening in his chest.

 

Chanyeol didn’t know. It’s a thing to be remembered; he never knew until it was too late already. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	14. baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a more of a filler chapter, as it is pretty short as well, but the next chapter will be extra long so stay tuned! how are you liking the story so far?

**chapter thirteen - baby**

  
  


**FOUR MONTHS**

  
  
  


The shop that remained as the last one they had the energy to visit was one that Chanyeol didn’t quite like. It was too cold, too obnoxious and too little. But Baekhyun seemed to enjoy looking around the boutique, so he didn’t voice out his displeasure. Maybe it was just that; Baekhyun liked it. So why should he? Just because Baekhyun did, didn’t mean he had to as well. Maybe it was the fact that he’d been there before. And maybe it was the fact that he wanted to forget.

 

They walked hand-in-hand, no words spoken as Baekhyun looked around and Chanyeol tried to find the energy to help him, pondering between wanting to seem like a good boyfriend (a fake one at that) and allowing himself to think. 

 

“Chanyeol, do you think I should get this?” Baekhyun asked, holding out a maroon colored beanie with a simple design of a black stripe stamped across the lower part.

 

“Sure, it’s cute,” Chanyeol nodded, tightening his grip on Baekhyun’s hand as he spotted a girl walking closer, looking keen to speak to either one of them. Chanyeol sighed, dropping down just a bit lower, whispering the words ‘I’m sorry’ into Baekhyun’s ear before gently leaning him against a rack, and kissing along his jawline and neck. He felt Baekhyun’s hand violently grip his and he knew he’d get yelled at when they were in private again, but he really didn’t want to deal with the girl, and would just have to suffer the consequences later.

 

Baekhyun’s hand had long dropped the beanie and was since curled in Chanyeol’s hair. “Chanyeol,  _ baby,  _ calm down, we’re in public. Someone will see, stop,” Baekhyun cleared his throat, pulling Chanyeol up from his neck. “She’s gone,” he whispered before pressing a quick kiss onto Chanyeol’s cheek, then proceeding to move to the check out, the beanie having found its way back to the smaller man.

  
  
  


Chanyeol smiled, but it was pained. He hadn’t been called baby in a while.

Six years to be exact.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Minseok was grinning from ear to ear as Chanyeol pushed him in the swingset, a giggle bursting through, which made Chanyeol smile. It was all a bit strange. How everything happened so fast for them. One moment they were just good friends who met because of Chanyeol’s neighbour and the next they were making out on said neighbours couch. Said neighbour wasn’t home then, of course. _

 

_ So there they were, on a sunny day, in a space meant for children and families, but the two had decided to use the location for them to have their first date in. Chanyeol kind of felt awkward, feeling so out of place with the majority of the people playing in the park coming up to his waist, making him stick out more. And he didn’t want to do that. He just wanted to be with Minseok and stay calm and safe in the luxury of his own apartment. But Minseok insisted, and how could he say no? _

 

_ And there he was, grinning like a fool, watching his boyfriend have fun on the swingset as he kept his feet safely on the ground.  _

 

_ “Chip, look! There’s a pond, let’s go look at it! Maybe we’ll see ducks! Come on, baby, we have to!” Minseok jumped off, grabbing Chanyeol by his wrist and dragging him to the pond. _

 

_ “It’s so pretty!” Chanyeol breathed out, eyes skimming the surface of the pond. _

 

_ “Aren’t you going to say it’s pretty like me, or that I’m prettier?”Minseok teased, poking the taller boy in his ribs. _

 

_ “No,” Chanyeol chuckled upon seeing Minseok’s hurt expression, “ Because you look rather handsome, don’t you think? And the pond can’t even begin to try to possess the level of aesthetic you do, so I don’t think the word pretty quite fits the situation.” _

 

_ Minseok looked at Chanyeol, too stunned to say anything for a while, before smirking.  _

_ “You smooth fucker!” he yelled out, playfully going to swat the younger’s chest, but before he could do so, the idiot had somehow managed to lose his balance and fall into the lake. _

 

_ “Sometimes I ask myself why I love you, you’re so hard to handle, but it’s moments like this that assure me you’ll always be worth it,” Minseok said after he finished laughing and dragged Chanyeol up, giving him his jacket to dry himself with. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Baekhyun thought it was weird. Chanyeol had been spacing out all day, barely answering if answering at all. And it’s not like he wanted to probe and question, but whether he acknowledged it or not, he was steadily growing more and more worried. Not only did Chanyeol look and sound exhausted, but his whole being just seemed a world away.

 

He wanted to help in some way. But he didn’t know how, without complicating their relation further. 

 

What were they? Aside from workmates (sort of), did they even harbour a friendship of some sort? Was Chanyeol mad? Were they okay?

 

Baekhyun pushed the thoughts away as he followed Chanyeol to a fast food restaurant, fingers laced together, gazes never meeting for longer than six seconds.

 

Baekhyun frowned as he watched Chanyeol mindlessly munch on his food, staring blankly at the table. He decided he’d had enough and got up. Only then did Chanyeol pay attention to his presence. He looked confused, looking as if he was silently begging Baekhyun not to leave, but something was holding him back. 

 

His confusion only grew as Baekhyun sat down on his lap, enclosing the tense actor in a warm hug.

 

Chanyeol didn’t know how to respond; he was shocked. 

 

Baekhyun’s nose brushed against the skin behind Chanyeol’s ear, and the hot exhale of air somehow comforted him, as he eased into the hug, wrapping his arms around Baekhyun to stop him from  falling. He nuzzled his face into Baekhyun’s shoulder, the feeling of warmth overwhelming him. It had been such a long time. And before the first tear he’d unknowingly tried to produce rolled down his cheek, he pulled back and closed his eyes.

Because he knew what it was.

  
  


Acting. 

  
  


But as Baekhyun gently caressed his cheek, or rubbed his arms in a comforting manner he wanted to believe it was real. Or as he asked him about his well being, or kissed away the tears that dared to fall. But he knew better than to get too immersed in an act. He knew better than to falsely think he could play a major role in the life of Baekhyun. Because the worry and the sweet touches were all fake and powered by his paycheck. 

And that’s why he was so upset.

  
  
  
  



	15. what do you know about love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls leave me comments i need validation

**Chapter fourteen - what do you know about love?**

 

**FOUR MONTHS**

  
  
  


The heavy breeze the night produced seemed worse than ever before, and Baekhyun couldn’t help but feel way out of character. He had never been one to go on dates, opting to stay in and order food instead, and if he somehow did end up going on dates, it never once took place outside. Yet there he was, fingers entwined with a man that technically wasn’t even his boyfriend, walking on the crowded streets as the cold breath of air danced on their faces.

 

It was a bit too quiet for his liking. Chanyeol didn’t speak, hadn’t spoken a word after they left the shop, actually. But that was fine. He didn’t need to talk, Baekhyun thought. Because sometimes, talking is way too exhausting and sometimes you just need a breather. And that’s fine. He felt like he needed a breather too.

 

So Baekhyun didn’t  utter a word either, his hand clasped securely in Chanyeol’s as they walked around, the tiny lights peeking from different shops’ windows looking more glamorous and pretty than they did in the day time. The darkened evening sky gave contrast to the bright lights, making the sight that much more entrancing to look at. It was cold, but it was starting to get on the warmer side of winter, but it still didn’t change the fact that it was cold. Chanyeol was practically unmoving if it weren’t for his long legs that dragged him forward. 

 

Baekhyun, for the record, was nowhere near dumb. On the contrary, he could be considered quite smart. He’d figured out long ago that something was off. He was so sure something was wrong with the tall actor. He just couldn’t figure out what that something was.

 

But he was willing to wait until Chanyeol was ready to tell him himself, be it today, tomorrow or the day after,  if ever. Bu he would try to dig out information to give him that encouraging push to open up. At some point, but he didn’t have the time then. So he let them stay in silence for a bit longer, their conjoined hands dangling in between their bodies.

  
  
  


“Chanyeol, let’s go, I’ve had enough of this date, I’m getting kind of tired. I’ll take a cab home, please make sure to get home safely too,” Baekhyun spoke, mainly into Chanyeol’s shoulder, but he was sure Chanyeol heard him. So why wasn’t he replying? He tried to pull his hand away, but Chanyeol seemed to only grip it tighter. What was going on?

 

“Chanyeol? Come on, I’m leaving. Don’t die until the next time I see you,” Baekhyun spoke, trying to slip out of Chanyeol’s hold with poor success. He didn’t try to fight back, if Chanyeol wanted him to stay, he had to have a good reason, right? But the more time passed and the less they walked, the more worried he got. 

And as he looked at Chanyeol’s face he felt terrible he didn’t realize to look at him before. Chanyeol was deadly pale, his eyes blank and void of emotion. Baekhyun felt terrified as he cried out a few cuss words before rushing to phone Hakyeon. He was clueless, since Hakyeon hadn’t informed  him anything about Chanyeol’s tendencies. Which lead him to think Hakyeon might’ve not known either. Did anyone know how much he was really hurting?

 

The phone kept beeping, but Hakyeon wasn’t answering so he decided to give up after he was lead straight to voicemail. He sighed, positioning Chanyeol’s arm securely over his shoulders. 

 

“The trouble I go through for you,” Baekhyun muttered, guiding the both of them to the sidewalk, where he hauled a cab. He looked at Chanyeol, who may as well have been asleep. The only thing that hinted at the state of his consciousness was the fact that his eyes were ever so slightly open, as he muttered incoherent words into Baekhyun’s collarbone on the backseat of the cab. But sleeptalking was a thing, so he heavily believed the other was sleeping.

 

Baekhyun sighed, placing his hand on Chanyeol’s cheek, stroking it carefully as if it was fragile porcelain he was afraid to break. But he knew Chanyeol wasn’t porcelain, he was human. A human that could be fragile. And that’s exactly what he was afraid of. He didn’t want to break him. He flinched at how burning hot the skin felt under his touch. He watched the blocky scenery pass by in a blur behind the window and couldn’t help but wish for the journey to be over soon.

 

But there were several minutes left before they arrived, and it may be cliche, but those several minutes changed a lot of things. It was certainly enough time for Baekhyun to start feeling more comfortable around the taller. And whether he knew it or not, that was the night it started, and the reason his heart hurt so vividly. But let’s save that for later.

 

He hadn’t taken into consideration that taking Chanyeol with him and allowing him to crash at his own apartment meant that he’d have to drag him up to the fifth floor. He wasn’t that weak, but Chanyeol wasn’t exactly feather-light either. 

 

So he paid for the taxi ride, dragged out the half-asleep actor and looked at the building in front of them. He took a deep sigh and wrapped Chanyeol’s arms around his waist, trying to get him well secured on his body. 

 

“This would be so much easier if you were awake,” Baekhyun grumbled, brushing a strand of hair away from Chanyeol’s forehead. He blew a hot breath of air, letting Chanyeol just simply hang onto his body for a while until he decided it was a good time to get going. 

 

“I’m going to start moving now, so hold on tight,” Baekhyun whispered tenderly, speaking more softly than he ever did when the taller was awake, wrapping his own arm around Chanyeol’s long  torso. He chuckled to himself when he heard tiny snores coming from the male beside him. Baekhyun didn’t know what got into him, but in that moment, he found Chanyeol absolutely precious, so pure sleeping like an innocent child.  And perhaps that’s the true beginning. 

  
  
  
  


He dragged Chanyeol through the front door, accidentally banging his head into the wall once or twice, but never waking him up. The guy sure was a heavy sleeper once he got into it. When Baekhyun had successfully dragged the sleeping man up to his apartment, he dropped him down on the laid out couch he’d been sleeping on since Jongin left. He’d felt too awkward sleeping alone in the bih bed, so the couch became his new resident place. 

 

And there Chanyeol was, sleeping soundly, curling into the blanket that had been set on the couch beforehand.  

 

Baekhyun took a glance at him before disappearing into the bathroom to wet a towel and resting it on Chanyeol’s forehead. He took off the brunet’s hoodie, silently thanking the heavens that he had a shirt underneath. He covered Chanyeol with the white blanket, wiping his forehead once more before leaving him to sleep. 

 

He stood in the kitchen, gaze fixed on the man sound asleep on his couch. His heart felt suddenly at ease, so light it nearly scared him. He felt calm, he felt needed. So he made a decision. A rather good one at that.

 

He wouldn’t cry anymore. He couldn’t. Because he owed Jongin that much. And maybe he was delusional, or just feeling nice, but Chanyeol, with his weird acting and falling asleep had helped him realize that he shouldn’t waste his limited time. So he packed the rest of his things, and prepared for the morning to come. 

 

Because by the time the sun would set the following day, he’d be long gone. 

 

And he’d be where belonged. The thought made him smile a deformed, tiny smile. But nevertheless, a smile was there, ghosting on his face.

 

He waddled to his (and Jongin’s) room, closing the door softly behind him before plopping down on the bed that he hadn’t slept in for months. Maybe it was time to let himself feel properly again. Maybe it was time to accept facts. Jongin was dying. But he wasn’t dead yet, and that’s all that mattered. His time hadn’t run out yet. And he made it his priority to use the rest of the time wisely.

  
  
  


  Chanyeol woke up feeling unnaturally calm. He was laid down on a grey couch, a blanket covering his body, a towel sitting wet on the ground next to his hoodie. He rubbed his eyes, sitting up to look around. 

 

He was in an apartment he’d never seen before. He should’ve been more terrified at the possibility of being kidnapped, yet he felt surprisingly serene. He stood up and dressed back into his hoodie. He felt more weak than he usually did. He had eaten more than he usually did, so he was feeling a tad bit out of it. A bit sick, even. 

 

Baekhyun walked in, and he instantly knew why he was feeling so calm. The whole apartment had held a familiar type of environment the moment he was conscious enough to realize he was in there. 

 

Baekhyun had his hair dyed back to black, and it would be a lie to say Chanyeol thought it didn’t suit him.

 

But he wasn’t particularly shocked over the change of hairstyle. He was more confused about the big duffel bag he carried with him.

 

“Oh, Chanyeol, you’re awake. Cool,” Baekhyun acknowledged, but the soulless tone bothered Chanyeol. How funny.

 

The both of them were different.

 

“Wha- where are you going?”Chanyeol asked, hating how little he sounded. He sounded like a child, speaking to his father. 

 

“I’m going… on a vacation of some sorts. I’ll be gone for a month or two.”  _ More like half a year. But Chanyeol doesn’t need to know that. _

 

“Oh. I see,” Chanyeol mumbled, scrunching his eyebrows in displeasure. He was confused about why he was only being informed on the literal day of his departure, but he didn’t question it. If he wasn’t informed, then it wasn’t anything important.

 

“I’ll phone Hakyeon to send you a car. I’ll come with you to the airport to see  you off,” Chanyeol continued, digging out his phone from his pocket. Baekhyun, not in the mood to argue, let him do so. 

 

It got quiet. Chanyeol told him the ride would be arriving in a few minutes, so the only thing left to do was wait.

 

It was awkward. Much more awkward than any of their previous encounters. Something had changed. Neither one of them could place a finger on what it was, but the both of them felt it. Felt it in every way possible. Something had changed in the way they looked at each other and spoke to each other, in the way they breathed in each others’ presence. It was strange. They’d never felt so awkward before. Bothered at the very worst, but never too uncomfortable. But now something had changed, and it made it harder for them to look each other in the eye. 

 

“So, where are you heading to?” Chanyeol finally asked, unable to bear the silence any longer. 

 

Baekhyun took his sweet time before answering. “Korea. I’m going to spend time with Kai and his family,” he eventually answered. Brief but informative. Chanyeol didn’t need to know everything.

 

“Okay, cool,” Chanyeol grunted, obviously sounding annoyed and he didn’t bother trying to cover it. Normally Baekhyun wouldn’t have been so bothered. But as of recently he’d been more on edge. So he bursted, not being able to shut himself up when he maybe should’ve done so.

 

“What? Do you have something to say about it? It’s not like it’s any of your business. Not in any way, shape or form. I don’t even need to tell you things! Seriously, what’s got a stick up your ass,” Baekhyun huffed, irritation bubbling wildly in his veins. He couldn’t stop himself; suddenly the simple presence of Chanyeol annoyed him. Things changed so fast, his mind and his heart changed so fast he couldn’t keep up.

 

“Yeah, it isn’t my business. Because outside public spaces I’m just supposed to ignore you? I didn’t even say anything, why do you assume I’m bothered?” Chanyeol countered back, not wasting a second to speak. He was annoyed too, but didn’t make the mistake of showing his feelings too much.

 

“Well isn’t that what Hakyeon said? In our private lives, we’re strangers. Is it really so hard to you to be strangers, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun spoke, trying to keep his voice level. He did a poor job at that.

 

“Baekhyun, you took me up to your apartment and cared for me when you absolutely didn’t need to. I don’t think that signals strangers in any way,” Chanyeol argued, somehow feeling embarrassed at the thought just being strangers. Hadn’t they had their moments? Was it so hard to be friends?

 

“That’s just being a proper human being, Chanyeol! It doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly in love with you! I don’t… I don’t give a flying fuck about you! I don’t care about you any more than I do of any other human being just walking out there. Chanyeol, I think you’re forgetting some of the parts you agreed to when you signed the contract. Look, all I’m saying is: don’t go falling in love with me. It’s not going to end well for you, I won’t be able to love you back,” Baekhyun reasoned, keeping his head turned away from Chanyeol’s intense eyes. He was afraid to look. Because he knew he’d show emotion. He couldn’t look him in the eye.

 

“Me? Falling for you? You must be delusional,” Chanyeol laughed, only then noticing how close they were. He gulped. Why did he have to be so close? When did they get so close?

 

“What do you know about love anyway?”

 

Chanyeol knew he shouldn’t have said that, but his feelings got the best of him and he simply just felt so angry. At himself, at Baekhyun, at the person who made him such a wreck in the first place _. _ How dare he say that? Was he hopelessly unlovable or something? It just wasn’t fair, how he talked to him like he was some sort of failed lab project. It simply wasn’t.

 

“I thought you were actually been different than that little jerk in the video. Turns out I was oh so wrong. Have you seriously got no shame? You’re really asking me, an engaged man what he knows about love. You sure have some nerve! I know more about love than you ever will,” Baekhyun laughed, but it hurt.Chanyeol’s words struck him in a bad way. Not that he doubted his love for Kai, he wouldn’t dare to be so foolish. But as of lately, he was worrying about whether his love was good enough. He knew love, he found love in Jongin, but lately he wasn’t sure if Jongin found love in him. 

 

“Do you really think I don’t know love? I did. I did once. But let’s just say that as I got to know love I got to know other emotions as well, that weren’t so good. So to say you know more than me is a flawed logic.  You just happened to be lucky enough to get more time with your love than I did,” Chanyeol nearly shouted, his voice definitely sounding more pained than he intended for it to sound. Baekhyun didn’t notice it, or if he did he didn’t bother to acknowledge it. 

 

“What the hell are you on about? Time doesn’t really solve a matter of love. Time is simply very fluid. It comes and goes and three years pass faster than you’d like for them to. And soon months won’t even matter, because in a heartbeat they’ll pass too. And then you’ll be all alone. And fuck, time is absolutely terrifying. But the last thing I want you to do is explain about my flawed logic. Time didn’t bring me here, it was me. I brought this upon myself.So, please, don’t try to preach to me about love.” His voice sounded choked, but Chanyeol didn’t comment on it. Both of them were panting from the anger bubbling in their veins, too many emotions whirling inside of them.

 

“Of course time plays a part! If it didn’t I’d be having a decent life! If time didn’t heal, things wouldn’t be the way they are. Time… can be scary, but denying it completely is just dumb,” Chanyeol gritted out, noting how close he was to Baekhyun. If he were to stick out his tongue, it would surely collide with Baekhyun’s forehead.

 

“I… I hate you. I really do,” Baekhyun whispered. Chanyeol felt weird, like he’d been betrayed and lied to. Which he hadn’t, because Baekhyun wasn’t obligated to enjoy his company. But still, hearing the fact that he didn’t really hurt. It wasn’t supposed to. 

 

Chanyeol’s phone buzzed. 

 

“The ride’s here,” he grumbled, making his way out the door. The keychain in his pocket was falling apart. 

  
  
  


☾

  
  


Baekhyun sat in the airplane, reminded of the last time he’d been in one. He frowned. He’d been so worried he couldn’t sleep at all, and even after landing and settling at the hospital, he didn’t sleep properly for a week. 

 

He sighed. Fourteen and a half hours really was a long time to entertain himself for. He was sure he’d go insane. 

 

Chanyeol kept his word and saw him off, kissing him on his forehead before they parted. He knew better than to read into it.

 

The clouds seemed sad. They were grey and heavy, hanging lower than they usually would. It seemed as if the whole universum was silent. And at that moment, silence was what he least wanted.

 

But at the same time, the serenity of the sleeping passengers calmed him. It assured him peace was found in the world, if not by him, then by someone else. 

 

He was through worrying, that’s what he told himself. He shouldn’t worry anymore, he shouldn’t cry, shouldn’t do this or shouldn’t do that. Should be a better version of himself. 

 

But he wasn’t. He was worried, he was sad, he was a damn wreck and by no means a better person than he used to be. If anything, he felt as if he was only becoming worse and worse as each day passed. But what was he supposed to do?

 

The airplane moved, and as it kept on moving he became aware of how small he was. How tiny he was in the scale of the universe. So meaningless and little. A puzzle piece. 

 

And as the flight kept on going, Baekhyun allowed himself to close his eyes.

  
  


And fade away for the day.

  
  
  
  


The next time he woke up, the plane was twenty minutes away from landing. 

 

Even though he’d just slept for fourteen hours he felt exhausted.  

 

And all he wanted to do was curl up in Jongin’s arms and convince himself he was okay. Which, of course he wasn’t. Was anyone ever? He didn’t think he’d be okay for a long time, but when he was in Jongin’s arms, the fact that he wasn’t okay was forgotten, as he felt complete even if it lasted only for an hour or two. 

 

His phone buzzed, and he felt confusion overtake him. His friends didn’t text him often, they preferred to call more. So who would text him?

 

His heart took a leap when he saw the name displayed on the pixelated screen.  He didn’t know why his body felt so light all of a sudden, but it did. It was confusing, yet familiar. He ignored the feeling.

  
  
  


**Park**

 

Text me when you land. Or call me. 

Whichever you’d like. Stay safe.

          -Chanyeol

  
  
  


He simply ignored the brief text even if it made his heart skip a beat (an addition to the list of things he’d never admit), slipping his phone into his pocket when he got outside, getting into the bus waiting for him and the other passengers outside. 

  
  


He sat down on an empty window seat, putting on his earphones before falling into a sweet slumber yet again. 

  
  


An hour later, the bus driver parked the bus, informing the passengers they’d arrived at the hotel. Baekhyun had decided to reside at a hotel instead of burdening Jongin’s family further, even if they insisted he wouldn’t be a burden. But he had to decline, since he wasn’t sure he felt comfortable staying with them. 

 

He signed into his room, throwing his bag on the floor. He decided to phone Jongin, as he was feeling more lonely than he usually was. And of course, he missed him, how could he not?

 

He listened to the phone ring for a few seconds until the line got picked up and Jongin answered with a giggle. Baekhyun’s heart swooned at the sound, his stomach erupting in a sweet agony of butterflies. He felt light and gleeful upon the comforting sound.

 

“Jong! I’m so glad to hear your voice, you have no idea!” Baekhyun practically screamed into the phone, heavy, fat tears rolling out of his eyes. But he wasn’t sad. He was happy. He was so happy. 

 

“I’m glad to hear you too, Pumpkin. But we hear each other every day, why be glad today?” Jongin questioned, the familiar sound of Jongin’s house bringing Baekhyun a special kind of comfort.

 

“I’m always glad to hear your voice, just thought I’d tell you today,” Baekhyun laughed, wiping away his tears in the process.

 

“Hmm, I like hearing your voice too. Are you coming over tomorrow?” Jongin asked, and Baekhyun could only imagine him sitting on an armchair curled up into a ball with his lips pouted. It made his heart do somersaults. 

 

“Of course! Wouldn’t miss it for the world!” Baekhyun mused, a huge grin splitting his face. His face was hurting from all the smiling he was doing, but he couldn’t help himself. And they chatted through the night like teenagers, only hanging up when the sun peeked out behind the clouds and they bid goodbye.

 

Only as he was about to fall asleep did he remember Chanyeol’s message. He shrugged it off, not thinking much of it. He could reply to him later if he wanted to. But he was on vacation. So he wouldn’t.

  
  
  
  


He wishes he would’ve. 

  
  
  
  
  


☾

  
  
  
  
  


Chanyeol felt particularly intoxicated as he looked out of his balcony doors, a bottle of whatever alcohol he could find in his hand. He didn’t really bother to read the etiquettes after the fourth one. The scene wasn’t really anything new. This wasn’t a new experience, and even the liquor didn’t hold the strange tingly feeling it did the first time around. 

 

Now the evenings were merely grey, his mind was numb and the alcohol tasted like water as he wasted away his life.

 

He had texted Baekhyun hours before, in the moment having been innocent enough to believe he’d get a reply. 

 

But he didn’t, and it really shouldn’t have surprised him the way it did. 

 

Curls of smoke filled the air, and this time it wasn’t just because of the cars gassing forward on the streets. 

 

He held the roll of nicotine between his fingers as he puffed out the rings, a maniatic chuckle escaping his lips. He’d grown immune to a certain point, so the alcohol in his system wasn’t nearly enough to have him batshit drunk. But it gave him that base of doubt and depression, that tingle of tipsiness that still didn’t come close to soberness he needed to survive through the night. 

 

Baekhyun’s words rang in his mind, as they often did. 

 

So, Baekhyun hated him. What could he even do about it? Did he want to do anything about it? 

 

It hurt more than he cared to admit.

 

All that talk about love and time, yet he couldn’t make anything out of it in his intoxicated state. 

 

Did he matter? Did any of that big talk matter when the both of them were equally as wrong and equally as stupid? 

 

Chanyeol kept blowing out smoke as he watched a bird fly straight at a window. 

 

He didn’t laugh, didn’t crack a smile. Pain wasn’t funny. 

 

And perhaps it was the fact that the alcohol was starting to catch up on him, or the fact that he was feeling somewhat philosophical, but he somehow felt like he could relate to the bird. He too flew head first into situations he could only hope were beneficial to him. He flew away in hopes he’d find something. But he was just met with a cold window and an empty night. 

  
  


His phone buzzed once more for the evening, and as his vision was starting to haze out more, his trouble seeing and functioning increased as well.

 

But when he finally unlocked the phone and read the message, he let out a cynical laugh.

  
  
  


**Byun**

 

I’ve arrived. Hope you’re safe. Remember to eat and rest.

       -Baekhyun

  
  
  


_ You don’t care.  _

  
  
  
  
  



	16. say yes

**chapter fifteen - say yes**

  
_Tell me_

_what makes the sea grey_

_what makes the sea full_

_from whom does it take its madness_

_who will tie the waves and tears together?_

_-Tchicaya U Tam’si Selected Poems_

_(Translated by Gerald Moore)_

  
☾

  
A man stood behind a locked door. He was dripping wet from the rain he’d sat in for hours on by. He stood there for minutes, his fisted hand ghosting on the door, not quite daring to knock. His face was masked, the hot breaths of air still visible as ever as he blew them out into the cold.

He read the numbers scribbled onto the paper he’d held tightly in his pocket before, then glancing at the numbers nailed to the door. He knew he was standing in front of the right address; the plant pot and the shredded but lovely welcome mat gave it away.

But he couldn’t bring himself to knock. He was too scared, too afraid of the outcome. What would he even say? Did he have any right to speak to him? Probably not, but he wanted to be selfish and at the very least try. After all the torment he’d been through, not hearing anything from the other for so long tore him apart on the inside. He tried to carry on, but even as he tried to have fun, the past and the present he couldn’t have ghosted in the back of his head.

He waited. He tried to listen to the sounds that might’ve been coming from the apartment. But there were none. He sighed in disappointment, accepting his defeat.

He walked away.

 

  
**FIVE MONTHS**

 

The small (but somehow big), fully packed club sounded like a thousand tiny bumblebees had been forcibly stuffed inside a relatively small plastic bag together and were now trying to fly out to find their freedom.

The dim lighting was the first thing Chanyeol was met with as he walked in through the guarded door, his round eyes shielded by the ugly two dollar sunglasses he’d bought on his way there. His lips and nose were guarded by a yellow-black striped scarf.

He moved along, the sound of the mediocre-at-best music only becoming louder as he made his way to the bar. He hadn’t been to clubs that much in the past few years, but something had happened to him, like a button had been switched on after Baekhyun left and he’d started to enjoy the feeling of the once familiar strange proximity and safety the always-crowded club provided.

Chanyeol spoke in curt words to the bartender, ordering his usual pick of the small range the place provided. As he slipped his scarf off -not liking the way it was rubbing at his neck- he felt like he could breathe without the overbearing silence that often tended to lurk around his empty apartment.

Sipping on his drink that was delivered way more fastly than he had expected for it to, he failed to notice the presence of yet another new person. Well, it’s not like he didn’t notice; more so he just didn’t pay attention to it. It was probably just some random person getting drinks for their friends, so he had no reason to suddenly feel alarmed. So he kept quiet, eyes fixed on the mahogany bar table.

But the person didn’t go away after muttering his short and simple order to the woman behind the counter. Instead he sat down, a single seat away from Chanyeol and stayed in the unbroken silence that veiled the bar area.

He was silent, gaze glued to the clock on the wall, like he was waiting for something. But what was it? Why did he look so emotionless? Not that Chanyeol was looking, he just happened to notice.

Yeah, just happened to. Coincidentally. He didn’t care at all. Nope, not a tad bit.

As the man kept staring at the clock, Chanyeol couldn’t help but start to sneak a few glances in the same direction as well every now and then. Naturally, he got curious, who wouldn’t? What could the man be waiting for? A friend? A date? Or perhaps something else entirely?

The caramel colored liquid in his glass dwindled away as the night dragged on, Chanyeol’s track of time running along with it. He didn’t mind. Feeling nonexistent somehow was better than feeling numb.

The next time he looked at the clock hanging on the wall it was nearing midnight. But he had no intention to go home. After all, he was just getting started.

To say the man sitting a seat away from him was bored must’ve been the understatement of the year. If it wasn’t for the way he lifted up his glass and sipped on his drink every once in a while, Chanyeol would’ve been sure he was a dead man walking.

But the man sat there, keeping to himself and sipping on what seemed like cola mixed with some sort of strong alcohol, but Chanyeol didn’t bother to ask, and definitely didn’t possess a defined enough sense of smell to immediately identify the liquor.

With his shoulders hunched, the man looked even smaller than he probably was in reality. Something about his facial expressions and body language made Chanyeol nervous. He hadn’t decided whether that was a good thing or not.

  
Chanyeol was finishing on his second glass of whiskey when the man spoke. And even then the words weren’t aimed at him. But that was the first time Chanyeol paid attention to his voice. It was smooth, as if it wanted to convince you of its familiarity, yet held a certain misty secrecy to it. Like an open book locked right in the middle. To put it lightly, he was intrigued, but he blamed it on the dosage of alcohol he’d consumed. His interest would die down eventually. If not during the night, then at least when he woke up the next morning and didn’t remember a thing of the day before.

  
The man sat there, not saying anything after simply asking for a refill. Chanyeol couldn’t remember the exact amount of time they spent there sitting, acknowledging each other but never once commenting on the awkward gap between them, or managing to start a conversation. But it must’ve been a lot. Or so he’d imagine.

 

  
The woman behind the counter just stood there, wiping the counter with a rag, silently smiling to herself. She found it amusing, of course. To see the taller show so much interest in someone was astonishing. In the few weeks he had visited, he only sat alone and only left when he felt like he was finally drunk enough to have successfully completely shut his mind off, but sober enough to not be a complete idiot.

  
Yet this time seemed different. He felt more sharp, his senses more heightened as he was aware of everything happening around him.

  
Even if she didn’t know him like a friend knew another, she was happy he was controlling himself and showcasing his interest towards something else than the bottom of his glass.

 

 

It was two in the morning when the man spoke the next time. Chanyeol, who had almost fallen asleep shook himself back awake as he felt thin fingers tap a brief rhythm on his shoulder.

“Excuse me? I noticed you’ve been sitting here alone all night and I was wondering if you, uh, needed someone to talk to,” the man said shyly, avoiding the taller man’s gaze. His hand was still on Chanyeol’s shoulder.

Chanyeol scrunched his eyebrows in confusion; wasn’t that the question he was supposed to be asking the stranger, and not the other way around? He noted how petite and precise the man’s facial structure was, yet it didn’t give an illusion of hyper femininity. If anything, amongst the fragile structure, the man still managed to look masculine. It was rather entrancing.

“I don’t… I should- well, actually, sure why the hell not,” Chanyeol ended up saying, surprising himself and the man who still hadn’t taken his hand off Chanyeol’s shoulder.

“That’s great. Do you want to go somewhere more quiet? It’s quite loud here, maybe the hotel lobby next door will work?” the stranger suggested, and the thought of hanging out at an (presumably) empty hotel lobby with a man he’d hardly known for a minute made his heart beat a little faster. He must’ve been losing his damn mind.

Because he agreed. And even if he was nervous, he somehow felt like it would be a good idea. It wouldn’t hurt to get to know people, would it?

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

The man flashed him a bright smile, and Chanyeol felt like the whiteness of his teeth blinded him momentarily.

“Awesome. I’m Sammy by the way,” the man (now named Sammy) informed, finally lowering his hand from Chanyeol’s shoulder.

“Chanyeol,” the actor responded, extending his hand for Sammy to shake.

“Well, Chanyeol, I can tell we’re going to get along just great!” Sammy cheered, letting out a short chuckle before placing his hand in Chanyeol’s, shaking it slightly. Chanyeol’s heart skipped a drunken beat.

 

 

The hotel lobby was in fact empty, if the half-asleep employee behind the counter wasn’t taken note of.  

Sammy had somehow found them a nice spot near the fireplace placed in the middle of the lobby.

So there they were, sitting on the blue couch next to the aflare fireplace. It was nice, it felt comfortable. Chanyeol smiled at the uncertainty of Sammy’s actions as he hesitantly brushed his fingers on top of Chanyeol’s. The latter couldn’t help but blush; someone was interested in him. That hadn’t happened in a while. He grinned, grabbing Sammy’s hand in his and lacing his fingers through the smaller’s.

“So, would you like to talk?” Sammy asked, a faint blush dusting his cheeks as well. They looked like complete fools, blushing like schoolgirls while holding hands and staring at each other. But that was fine. It was completely fine. Because as Sammy squeezed his hand a little tighter and the smile on his face got a little bit brighter, Chanyeol could swear his heart tried so hard to squeeze itself back together. Of course, he wasn’t healed, but the faint haze veiling his mind and the warmth Sammy radiated somehow were enough to create the vast illusion of healing.

  
“Yes,” Chanyeol smiled, locking gazes with Sammy, who didn’t hesitate to keep the gaze going. And it wasn’t awkward.

 

☾

 

Baekhyun rolled out of bed, quickly proceeding to unintentionally faceplant the floor. He groaned, rubbing his aching face, hoping it wouldn’t bruise.

The hotel room was proving itself to be quite useless, as Baekhyun had somehow ended up staying majority of his nights at Jongin’s anyway. The man sure knew how to convince, that was for sure.

This was only the second night he’d spent in the room, the first one being the very night he arrived. He didn’t mind, but it was a waste of money, and someone else might’ve needed a room too. So he was signing out later that day, after he packed away all his belongings.

But it wasn’t quite the time for that yet. Instead, he got up from the floor and waltzed inside the bathroom. It wasn’t of any luxury, but he liked it. Not everything had to be luxurious.

He wasn’t in the mood to shower, so he just rolled on deodorant and hoped he wouldn’t start to smell during the day. He looked at his image in the mirror, spotting the tiniest hint of stubble on his face. He contemplated on whether he should shave or not, but in the end laziness won and he let it be.

After he finished his routine of sorts, he decided to text Jongin and let him know he was starting to leave to be on his way there.

He finished packing, all of his most important things in the medium sized duffle bag.

He signed out and in a matter of minutes he was in a taxi heading to Jongin.

It was silly, but he was nervous. He drummed his fingers on his thigh. He missed Jongin, even if he just saw him ten hours ago. But still, it always felt like the first time he saw him. Nowadays, every touch felt like the first and every kiss was better than the one before. It was as if they were back in the honeymoon phase, where a fight never once occurred and they were dancing on rose petals all the time.

But the truth was that they were running out of time, and that’s why in the fear of loss they clung to each other, thinking that a fight could ruin their last moments together.

  
Feeling much more down than before, Baekhyun thanked the driver and paid for his ride. Standing still behind Jongin’s door, he didn’t know what to do. He felt bad about it, but he noticed he’d started to censor his words a bit around his boyfriend. There were certain things he felt were just too inappropriate to say. So he didn’t. But that lead him down an endless void of thinking. So he was left at only a few topics to speak of, and even then he didn’t know if there was a change he’d say something to upset the younger.

  
“Baekhyun why are you just standing there? Come in,” Jongin encouraged upon opening the door. All of his previous thoughts slipped away momentarily as he dropped his bag on the ground and launched himself into Jongin’s arms.

“Morning,” he mumbled against the tall man's chest. He felt the vibration on his cheek as Jongin laughed in a sweet tone that made his heart flutter.

“Morning, angel, how are you today?” Jongin asked sweetly, his arms securely wrapped around the lump called Baekhyun.

“I’m okay,”  Baekhyun replied, the slightest hint of a laugh he was too tired to produce peeking through.

“How about you, though? How are you holding up, champ?” The both of them grimaced at his choice of words.

“I’m feeling fine. A bit weaker than usual, but it’s nothing a few painkillers won’t mend,” Jongin explained, dragging his boyfriend (and his bag!) inside and proceeded to hug him tight.

“So please stop acting like I’ll explode if you say something wrong. I know you, Baekhyun, and that mouth of yours is one of the reasons I love you so don’t shut it. Got it?” He didn’t even wait for a reply before stealing a brisk kiss and dragging the man and his belongings upstairs.

Jongin separated their bodies, placing Baekhyun’s bag on the floor and rushing to the record player on top of the desk in his room. He shuffled around for a bit, trying to find a specific record. Soon the soft sound of strumming was heard and Jongin returned to Baekhyun, placing him down to simply lay on the bed.  It wasn’t even sexual; they just wanted to enjoy each other’s company while it lasted.

They laid on Jongin’s bed, feet tangled securely together.

_Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away._

_Now it looks as though they're here to stay._

_Oh, I believe in yesterday._

“Jongin?” Baekhyun spoke up from his position of lying on top of Jongin.

Said man only hummed in response, urging the other to keep talking.

_Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be._

_There's a shadow hanging over me._

“Will you… will you still love me tomorrow?” he asked, feeling an uncomfortable lump form in his throat. He tried to fight back the tears, as he had promised himself and Jongin not to shed them anymore but he couldn’t help it; every moment spent with Jongin was a special type of pain he couldn’t quite conquer, even though it was nothing compared to the time they spent apart.

_Oh, yesterday came suddenly._

“I have zero reason not to,” Jongin laughed out, but tightened his grip. He was scared, he had to admit that, he’d be a moron if he didn’t. But being afraid only limited him further, so he tried his best to act as if everything failed to affect him.  But it did. And as long as Baekhyun didn’t know, it was fine.

  
_Why she had to go?_

_I don't know, she wouldn't say._

_I said something wrong._

_Now I long for yesterday._

  
“Jongin, I’ll always love you, you know that, right?” Baekhyun asked quietly, nuzzling into the neck of the man whose chest he was lying on top of in attempt to get closer to him.

_Yesterday love was such an easy game to play._

_Now I need a place to hide away._

_Oh, I believe in yesterday_.

“Of course. And even if you won’t, I won’t blame you. Because you loved me for all these years. And you let me experience love, you let me feel more than I probably deserved. And I can’t thank you enough for that. This- what we have is something I treasure more than anything. And I know we had our fights, our fair share of ups and downs and there are things we said that we might regret, but that only made us stronger. I’ll continue to love you until the day I die, that I can promise,” Jongin explained, rubbing his hands up and down Baekhyun’s back in a comforting matter.

  
_Why she had to go?_

_I don't know, she wouldn't say._

  
Baekhyun really tried. He tried to not to dampen Jongin’s shirt. And for the most part, he really succeeded. Only a few stray tears exited his damp eyes as he started humming softly along the song against Jongin’s chest.

  
_I said something wrong._

_Now I long for yesterday._

  
_“_ You’re not perfect. You have so many flaws. Some of them can be so annoying and I remind you of them all the time. But at the same time, I don’t want to change anything of yours, because your inability to boil an egg is what makes you you. And I wouldn’t want some super cook Baekhyun knock off. I want you. Because I am in no way or form perfect either. But what we have together is perfection to me, flaws and all,” Jongin continued, and that’s when he gave in, the tears streaming rapidly down his face.

_Yesterday love was such an easy game to play._   
_Now I need a place to hide away._   
_Oh, I believe in yesterday._

But as he looked up, he saw the salty wetness glimmering on Jongin’s cheeks as well. And then they laughed. At the absurdity of it all, the irony, at the mock. And soon enough they fell asleep, with the song softly coming to an end, the light of the still rising sun shedding light on their bodies through the blinds. And that bittersweet moment was damn near perfect.

  
☾

  
_He’s running. His eyes are burning, it feels like flames are running up and down his body, slowly eating him alive. He hears someone call his name, but it’s so distant the only thing he can make out are the vowels. It hurts, his ribs feel like they’re trying to push themselves to entangle together._

_The air feels freezing against his bare skin. He keeps running. He feels something catching up,  but he hasn’t been caught with yet. He hears loud steps, loud noises of branches breaking in half, the quiet howling of the wind breaking through the eerie scenery. It’s all black and white. It’s a forest, he realizes this now._

_Horror whirlpools in his stomach, as thousands of hands start covering his body, making it impossible for him to move. He tries to fight, tries to shake the hands away, but the hands keep squeezing and scratching his skin to make sure he doesn’t._

_He can’t breathe. He’s in the bottom of the ocean. He’s shackled there, with nothing to breathe through. He’s running out of time. There’s no way out. He starts panicking, he’s trashing around to weaken the shackles with poor success. He tries to scream, but it’s proven to be a poor idea as gallons of salty water enter his mouth, nose and lungs. He gets pushed further into the muds. The earth swallows him whole._

  
_He’s on a meadow. A pink bunny approaches him. He thinks he’s gone insane. The bunny starts running, and as it comes closer the meadow behind it starts burning, turning into a dark black. He tries to scream, tries to warn the bunny but the fire catches up and swallows the bunny inside its burning flames._

_The fire grazes his knees, and he realises the end is near. He screams- well, tries to._

_He hears a phone ring. Why is it ringing?_

_Nothing comes out of his mouth when the flames engulf him._

 

☾

 

The next time he woke up, all the warmth in, around, and beside him was missing. He was laid on the bed, his gaze glued to the ceiling as the warming but still gently cold March wind abused the parts of his skin that his clothing left uncovered.

  
He felt quite empty. His dream had messed him up, as he couldn’t quite begin read into it. What the hell did it even mean?

He laughed; he felt like he was slowly turning insane. He didn’t mind. Because he knew he wasn’t alone, at least for the time being. He’d have someone to go insane with for another six months. But after that, he didn’t know. He didn’t think he even wanted to.

He sighed, thinking of Chanyeol. What was he doing? Was he eating well and staying out of trouble? He wasn’t sure, as they didn’t really communicate actively, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care at all. He typed a quick text to Chanyeol and pressed send, throwing the device onto the floor in pure boredom.

Jongin walked into the room, the orange sunlight making him look like a young god.

“Hi,” Baekhyun croaked, nodding his head in an attempt to get Jongin to come back to bed.

“Hi, sweetheart,” Jongin mumbled, a small smile split on his lips. He really looked amazing as he proceeded to make his way to the bed in the sunlight. It made Baekhyun smile.

It was nearing the afternoon hours, and he knew that. But his mind didn’t want to process that information, as he tried to convince himself he was in need of more sleep.

“Come on, it’s time to get up, we should do something productive or at least something fun today,”  Jongin spoke out after a while of cuddling.

“What do you want to do then?” Baekhyun asked, his head positioned on Jongin’s chest so that he’d hear his comforting heartbeat.

A short silence passed by. It was brief, but even in its short existence it managed to bring comfort into their lives for a split second more.

“Let’s get married,” Jongin suggested, making Baekhyun straighten up his posture and simultaneously bang his head onto Jongin’s jaw. He groaned at the pain that in the end vanished quite quickly.

“Jongin! We can’t just get married right now. We- we’d have to elope! It’s not exactly legal here! And besides I wasn’t that prepared to get married today- not that I mind, I do want to marry you, that’s not the problem at all here! I just, I don’t know? Should we fly back out to the States just to get married?”

The brief silence returned.

“You know what? What the hell. Let’s get married.”

  
☾

  
Thin fingers roam all over his body, his sweatshirt soon discarded and thrown on the floor. He didn’t care, all he wanted was to feel something, and with the fingers circling lower and lower, he was definitely starting to feel _something._

Chanyeol sighed, in a sober enough state to realize what he was doing and what would happen if he got caught. But he didn’t care. For once, he let himself not give a shit about the consequences.

He pulled Sammy closer, but not before ensuring the door of their room was locked and the windows were not able to show anything to the outside world.

Sammy smiled briefly before smashing his lips onto Chanyeol’s, an airy chuckle escaping the latter’s mouth at the former’s eagerity.

Chanyeol guided the smaller to the standard looking hotel bed in the room, pushing him down gently.

He let himself savour the feeling of being intimate, but he couldn’t help but feel guilty about seeing someone else’s face in his mind.

He trailed kisses down the skinny boy’s neck, groaning in displeasure when his phone blinged obnoxiously. He dug out the device, only to roll his eyes at the text written on the screen.

  
**Byun**

Hi! How have you been? What time is it in NYC? I hope you’re doing well, let’s grab a coffee or something when I come back!

Xx, B

  
Chanyeol snorted, turning his phone off completely. He couldn’t believe Baekhyun’s change of heart, so he opted to ignore it completely.

“Baby, who was that?” Sammy asked, pulling Chanyeol closer, frowning slightly. Chanyeol pecked his cheeks before throwing the device on the armchair in the corner.

“It was no one. Don’t worry about it,” Chanyeol replied, letting himself be shut up by another pair of lips.

 


	17. light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible tw  
> Stay safe

**chapter sixteen - light**

 

There’s always hope. Even after the darkest of times, the sun will rise. One day it’ll stop raining and the sky will clear. There’s always light, sometimes you just have to look for it. Look for light even in the darkest of times. Things will get better.

 

So he’s heard. Heard of how things would get better. A miracle might happen, if he kept praying to a God he didn’t believe in. What’s the use? He’d wake up everyday, knowing that any second could be the one to take  _ him _ away. And their shared time was running short. And he was fucking terrified.

 

Wasn’t everyone? 

 

Why do weather phenomenons happen. Aside from scientific explanations, no one knows, do they? Science can only determine how something happens. 

 

But reasoning and meaning is something numbers and complicated formulas don’t provide. 

 

So as he continued fearing the inevitable, one word floated in his mind. 

 

_ Why? _

 

Now isn’t  _ that _ a common question? Why do I look like this? Why am I here? Why does a bird fly and a fish swim? Why do I not know? Why, why, why? 

 

Why me?

 

And why does it hurt? 

  
  
  
  


Rainbows did always fascinate him. Not only because of a certain trait he possessed, but also because of the simple beauty of the phenomenon. 

 

Children’s books always seem to show rainbows in bold colors. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and purple. All the colors as intensely as possible so a child could see. 

 

But a real rainbow isn’t colored like that. A real rainbow spreads its pastel wings onto the sky, as if painting a promise of a better tomorrow. For the gold at the end of the rainbow. He’d always thought of the rainbow as a petite fairy, who protected every single one of her kind. 

 

She would appear after a heavy set of rain had dampened the mood. After storm that shook you. She’d be there, spreading her promise of something better, her special glimmer of hope.

  
  
  
  
  
  


All of that hope bullshit was something he grew immune to, having to hear it every day. And as more people told him to focus on the light amidst the dark as each day passed, the words efficiently lost their meaning. 

 

So perhaps that’s why he completely lost it when that terrible flat sound rang through the blank room. 

 

That’s why he ran out. 

 

Why he punched the brick wall, screaming at his unfair life and how he wished to die. 

 

How he wished to be taken instead. How he couldn’t breathe as tears choked him. Like an invisible hand was squeezing his neck as he tried to live on, only tightening as each second passed.

 

But he simultaneously felt nothing. 

 

He gripped the piece of paper in his pocket. He wasn’t sure he could ever look at it. 

 

So he screamed, pondered taking his life then and there, hit his head repeatedly against the wall, felt the anxiety and the feeling of disbelief destroy him piece by piece.

 

Tears flew from his eyes repeatedly, never once stopping. He felt like someone had duct taped his chest into a small bunch very securely.

 

And he blacked out pathetically in the front of the hospital.

  
  


But we’re not there yet. 

 


	18. purple

**chapter seventeen - purple**

 

**FIVE MONTHS, THREE WEEKS**

  
  


Like every other day and/or night (depending on the perspective), Chanyeol couldn’t sleep, so he opted to stay awake instead. Every second he spent awake as the slight tipsiness faded away he thought of how dumb his actions had been. What he did was reckless, although he couldn’t exactly say he regretted it. He felt very… liberated to say the very least.

 

Sammy shifted beside him, the only thing audible being the huffs of air he let out in his sleep. Chanyeol smiled. Sammy really was a nice guy and good in every way. He just didn’t feel the feelings he did before, not as intense and not as nerve wrackingly enjoyable. 

 

The room looked so small, smaller than he initially remembered it being. It didn’t have much things in it aside from the bed. Maybe it didn’t need to be glamorous to be enjoyable. Weren’t the best things in life simple?

 

Sammy looked so peaceful in his sleep Chanyeol didn’t dare to wake him up. Instead he decided to go for a smoke on the balcony the hotel provided, pulling on his only choice of clothes from the previous night. 

 

He grabbed his phone and briefly remembered Baekhyun’s pathetic excuse of a text. His grip tightened around the device as he thought of the smaller man. Somehow he felt played, felt like he didn’t deserve to be toyed around like so. 

 

But he pushed the thoughts away as one cigarette after the other washed his mind clear of everything Baekhyun related as the nicotine smoke painted the air in front of him. 

  
  


The air outside wasn’t much warmer than it had been last week, or the week before that. This arrangement of theirs had been going on for three weeks, as they met up once a week purely for sex. Sex and then the other party would leave. Wasn’t that the word by word description of a fuckbuddy? 

 

Still, while the former part of the whole ordeal was easy to fulfill, sometimes sleep ruined the completion of the latter part. 

 

Chanyeol didn’t mind much, though. He didn’t mind having another presence in the apartment, which he was sure was haunted.

 

The sky was painted with bright shades of pink, orange and yellow. Chanyeol could be characterized as a sunset/sunrise enthusiast, as he had a folder full of pictures of the prettiest ones he’d managed to snap a shot of. 

 

He wished he could paint. Wished he had the talent to capture colors the way the sky did. Wished he could have the patience. 

 

But he was totally content just looking at the beautiful sight.

 

He sighed.

 

Were you red? Was I blue? Was this ever a good idea? 

 

Everyone knows that mixing red and blue creates purple.

 

But after being blue for so long, then getting to be green for a while and then once again to being blue, only this time shades lighter was rather tiring.

 

Not to mention the thought of becoming purple was terrifying.

 

When red had his yellow, and he had some sort of pale yellow himself, the odds for purple were quite slim.

 

Their purple would be so imperfect that it probably couldn’t be described as such. Maybe auburn? A yellow toned red and a yellow toned blue, would it look pretty? 

 

Wouldn’t their sunset be bland? They hadn’t even had their sunrise. 

 

Did he want that, though?

 

It felt like clouds were hazing his mind, but he knew this wasn’t the case.

 

He wasn’t confused, he quite knew what he wanted. He was just spewing shit at himself to make himself feel better. 

 

And he wanted it. Deep down he did want purple.

 

But all his dreams of being purple- or even lavender- were crashed as a pair of arms snaked around his waist and nudged him to come back to bed.

  
  


He huffed out the last cloud of smoke.

 

He didn’t want green, this he now knew.

 

He wanted purple.

 

But he’d never have it, he was sure.

 

A seagull flew to the rail of the balcony. It crooked its neck, looking at Chanyeol for a while before kicking down a purple flower pot.

 


	19. the cracks on the ceiling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small explanation regarding the spam of mini updates: I am planning to write a reeeally long chapter for chapter 20, so I'm making these tiny filler chaoters for you to resd while waiting for the longer update!

**chapter eighteen - the cracks on the ceiling**

 

**SIX MONTHS**

 

As much as he was aware of their current state as a couple (or maybe more as human beings, more about that later), he really didn’t want to be. 

 

Baekhyun groaned as he plopped down on the bed with green, messy sheets. 

 

“Jongin, these sheets are fucking ugly!” he remembered whisper-shouting as Jongin had dropped them into their shopping cart. Jongin had only laughed at that, and pointed out that Baekhyun got to pick up Cartoon Network themed sheets, so his choice of green sheets should be respected as well. 

 

So Baekhyun had given in, not really having been against the sheets in the first place. Because truthfully, he’d just wanted to see Jongin laugh and pout ever so slightly when he explained his point of view.

  
  


He was so in love, he had to admit that. 

 

But he wasn’t so sure if it was healthy. 

 

Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

 

He didn’t do anything without Jongin, wouldn’t let him get away for longer than five minutes.

 

This of course is easy to blame on his fear, right?

 

It’s not that he’s a bad person, but he made some not so positive decisions, which is understandable. Who am I to judge? 

 

It is to be remembered that it was that wonderful era in which it was spring but everyone was ready for it to be summer already. 

 

Baekhyun shivered, his thinning frame curled up alone in the ugly green sheets. He was very cold these days, experiencing severe weight loss and getting coughing fits every now and then. He figured he was getting sick. And he was right. Now do not be concerned, he was only down with flu, but the weight loss is something we’ll get back to later.

 

Jongin was in the kitchen, singing along to the record he’d put on, his soft voice flowing in through the door Baekhyun had left open.

 

Baekhyun hummed along silently, having heard the song thousands of times before. He wasn’t sick of it though. It was a very sad song, and it didn’t quite do the trick of lifting his mood up. 

 

Baekhyun looked at the ceiling. Visible cracks could be seen. The house was old. He wondered what life had inhabited the crappy apartment before them.

 

An elderly couple? College students? Or perhaps, a small family?

 

He didn’t know, and the question was only asked so he could redirect his thoughts elsewhere. 

 

He felt like he was stuck. Stuck in a city where ceilings were slowly cracking, bedsheets were ugly, the same songs played and spring didn’t end. 

 

It was somehow worth it when his boyfriend waltzed in and sheepishly announced he had somehow managed to burn down their food. 

 

Spring wasn’t that bad. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


In his heart, there was an eternal winter. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Baekhyun didn’t know how to describe himself. Unless that’s in a negative way. Somehow negatives are just that much more easy to pick out, isn’t that so?

 

He was twenty four years old, a (secretly) married man as of three weeks prior, an unsuccessful author and a history enthusiast. 

 

He felt like he wasted his life doing nothing. Most of the time he just sat around, looking at the walls, the shadows that light created or the cracks on the ceiling. 

  
  
  
  
  


His heart was like a ceiling, he thought. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	20. champagne and raspberries

**chapter nineteen - champagne and raspberries**

 

**SEVEN MONTHS**

  
  


Chanyeol had grown to really like Sammy. He loved waking up and knowing he had someone to share his entire morning.

 

Although their relationship was mainly physical, they did use their mouths for speaking too.

 

Chanyeol found him to actually be a really good listener as well as a problem solver of sorts.

 

When he’d been confused, Sammy had dragged him back to bed and made him spill his thoughts out.

 

He had to admit, he’d felt a thousand times better after telling someone how he felt. How he really felt, and not some half assed explanation of how he was doing just fine.

 

Because in reality he wasn’t fine. He wasn’t fine at all and just this one time he’d decided he’d let someone see it. He allowed Sammy to see the nineteen-year-old who fell in love with someone who was just out of reach. And he was about to make that mistake again, only this time the reasons of his target’s unreachability were completely different.

 

He remembered what it was like. Love. How it felt so intense and so amazing at first. Love was a warm orange, the type you’d see in a sunset when even the sun looks happy. Love was daisies, champagne, raspberries, blueberry and chocolate chip muffins.

 

Love was comfortable.

 

But love was also scary. Love was ice, love was the windy breeze at one in the morning under the moonlight. Love was rose thorns and love was intense.

 

But it was worth it. It was so worth it that he wanted to laugh, wanted feel like champagne and raspberries again.

 

And he knew he couldn’t feel like that with Sammy. With Sammy he felt fast movements, intimacy and all that jazz. But it wasn’t love. Maybe if he were to have enough hope, have enough want to make it work. Maybe then it would work.

 

But he was too hung up on the past, too hung up on champagne and raspberries.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A phone call was all it took back then to crumble things down for him.

 

He’d have these phases of ups and downs. Sometimes he’d feel fine and sometimes he was ready to sleep for forever to escape the pain.

 

And a phone call, the sound of his monotone ringtone was enough to break him out of a good period and slam him back into square one.

 

He hadn’t had the guts to open the letter he was given. Never dared to check it out, never made it to the greetings that were scribbled on the top of the piece of paper.

But he felt that that was fine. He felt like that piece of paper folded inside an envelope was his connection to the past. Was his connection to the orange night sky.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Chanyeol only nodded, getting up and snatching his keys to go to the grocery store. Sammy stayed behind.

  
  


An orange envelope gently flew out of the living room bookshelf as the door got slammed close.


	21. as long as I'm here

  
  


**chapter twenty - as long as I’m here**

  
  


_ A bird flies in the sky, for a bird is supposed to do so and it does not know anything else. The majority of birds are physiologically not meant for swimming for example. Still, a bird wanted to swim once. So the bird dove into the deep dark blue that was never before been explored by a featherling. And for a brief second as the water slipped past the birds feathers, it felt freedom and it felt happy at the touch of the liquid he’d wanted for so long. And there he saw birds, just like him, he saw birds who were meant for swimming. And he thought that it wasn’t as big of a deal as he’d once thought.  _

 

Now of course this story is faux and just used as an efficient way to get you thinking. But still, it’s a pretty sweet story. This story is something he thought of a lot after being told it the first time in his life. He remembered how sad the person telling the story had been once they said the last sentence.

 

_ But unfortunately that little bird passed away, since it was never built for swimming in the first place. _

 

☾

 

Skies aren’t the only things on this earth that are absolutely beautiful and capable of causing and displaying remarkable disaster. Let’s take a simple human being for example. How faint and mercurial the flame of life really is, how it wavers constantly and is in no way guaranteed or expected to keep itself aflare. How beautiful pure joy is, and how destructing flaming anger can be.

As an example of this, think of a hospital. A place where all your blues and blacks should and are expected to get turned into yellows and oranges. 

 

Somewhere inside a standard hospital, a child cries for his mother, who in turn lies silently on the tiny hospital bed. He cries, doesn't understand that his precious mommy won't ever answer his cries. Doesn’t know mommy won’t be coming back. Is confused; why isn’t mommy squeezing his hand back like she usually does?

  
  


Somewhere in that same hospital, a father cries for his only child, the light of his life,crying at the cruel destiny faith had plotted for his sweet baby girl. He cries at the look of her fragile body bruised by the harsh metal of a drunk man’s car.

  
  
  


Somewhere a couple cries in joy after welcoming their first born into the world. Grinning ear to ear upon seeing their own creation sleeping in their arms. A bundle of life they’d get to nurture for the next years on end.

  
  
  


Somewhere an old man slips away from the touch of life, finally letting go as the heart monitor flatlines. He leaves alone in silence, a small smile on his face.

  
  
  


He was fragile, like the thinnest piece of glass, like a leaf shaking in the wind. And in a second, he was gone.

 

And that's fine.

 

As sometimes, all you need is to remember things that matter. And it’s important to take into notion numerous things, with anything you do, really. Because wouldn’t you hate it if you thought something and suddenly it’s inaccurate? You’ve thought this thing for so long, you’re ultimately convinced it’s true. So you fly and you fly and you never end up swimming, because you’re convinced you’ll die. But even if you do die, you’d die with the knowledge that it was goddamn worth it.

 

But a human is a human and it’s not as wise as it loves to think.

 

But that’s completely fine as well.

  
  


**FIVE MONTHS, ONE WEEK**

  
  
  
  


He was standing on the balcony, burning his unwanted thoughts away with the nicotine roll in his hand as he had gotten used to doing so. The sunset didn’t look as beautiful as it usually did, and he tried his best not to let it disappoint him. But of course, it did. Because while grey mixed with oranges and pinks was beautiful, it was much harder to find the beauty and appreciate it. And he didn’t feel like putting effort into things more than what was necessary.

 

The lacey grey smoke floated in front of him, creating a sort of personal haze. Looking at the sunrise through the smoke proved to be quite enchanting. The faint pastel-like colors of the sunset looked vibrant but blurred enough to give off a hint of mystery. 

 

Sammy walked out to the balcony, a frown on his face as he shivered at the change of temperature, his eyebrows scrunched in confusion as he handed Chanyeol his phone.

 

“Some woman called. She sounded kinda alarmed, said she was looking for you,” Sammy explained, yawning before flashing Chanyeol a lazy smile,quickly pecking his cheeks and walking back inside. The air shifted as the balcony door closed and once again he was left alone.

 

Chanyeol brought the device to his ear, heart beating fast as the woman started speaking. He recognised the voice. Faintly, he did. But he hadn’t heard the voice since he was nineteen. 

 

He nearly dropped the phone to the ground, but he managed to save it before it fell to its death. 

 

He listened carefully, hearing his heart pick up in speed as the call forwarded. 

 

“I understand. Bring him over.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


☾

  
  
  
  
  
  


**SIX MONTHS, ONE WEEK**

  
  


That particular morning he didn’t feel so good. Mentally or physically. It could’ve been something he ate, or more so what he didn’t. He felt sick, felt scared but he didn’t want it to show. His fear shouldn’t catch on.

 

His fear that his love would leave. Now we’ve dwelled on this before, so I don’t think we need a recap.

 

But he brushed it off, stretching his still much asleep muscles as he got up very reluctantly. He felt sore; the new mattress he’d bought was terrible.  It was hard, like sleeping on a bed of rocks trying to pass themselves as clouds. 

 

Baekhyun was sat in the kitchen, leaning against the window and staring out of the dirtied glass. He hadn’t had the time to wash the window as he had been traveling so much for the past week or so.  His forehead laid flat against the cold window that was beginning to blur from his body heat.

 

He was visiting Chanyeol all the time at the set he was filming at, making sure to show as much affection as possible. It didn’t feel weird anymore, but he did feel a sense of guilt every time his lips did as much as grazed Chanyeol’s cheeks.

 

He had grown to dislike airplanes, as they’d become more or less like a second home. And he strongly believed he didn’t need two homes. 

 

His phone buzzed, a message from Hakyeon showing itself on the lit up screen.

  
  
  


**Hakyeon**

 

Meet up time! Check your email and print out the ticket, you’re leaving in 4 hours. 

 

Xx, H

  
  


Baekhyun chuckled, hearing how raspy he was sounding these days. He wasn’t even trying to fight the cold he’d come down with.

 

He separated himself from the window, silently looking at the patch of grease his forehead had created. 

 

He stared at it for a while, just examining the lines and creases his skin had left imprinted on the glass. It seemed to him like the only thing that proved that he was still a person, still on this earth. He felt detached, but things like grease on the window, fingerprints on mugs and blood on the sink (from the time he had accidentally cut himself while chopping onions) convinced him that he still had a place for existing on earth. 

 

He waddled back to the bedroom where Jongin was sleeping peacefully, looking like a total angel. He forced a small smile (that wasn’t so forced after all) and slipped under the covers. He gave Jongin a quick but fond kiss on the cheek before turning away and letting his emotions take over as a silent, stray tear slid out of his eye.

  
  


Love hurts. He knew that, and he was prepared- well, he thought he was. 

 

But it hurt more than he thought it would. 

 

Yet even when he felt like the pain would kill him, he never regretted it- not once.

 

And that’s to be remembered.

  
  


☾

  
  


Chanyeol felt nervous as he was sat down on the couch, waiting for a knock at the door. It had been a few weeks since he had received the call, and he knew it would’ve come to the moment he was currently in. Yet he couldn't stop his palms from sweating excessively. 

 

As he was fixing his hair and appearance over and over again,  he heard those three short knocks on his door that he’s been dreading the entire four weeks he’d been waiting.

 

He rushed to the door, opening it to get a good look of the woman he hadn’t seen in a while. 

 

“Beth,” he said, as if he was just stating the fact that Beth was there and there for good, his deep voice dropping down to a whisper. 

 

The woman looked at him, tears in her eyes as he attacked the tall man with a long overdue hug.

 

“Chanyeol! It’s been too long!” she said through her tears, letting go of the back of Chanyeol's green hoodie.

 

“It sure has,” Chanyeol chuckled, a sudden feeling of comfort overtaking him, a sense of familiarity that enveloped him upon hearing the old woman laughing with him.

 

“Anyway, here’s little Markl, he’s taken quite a liking in running, he’s just learned to walk a while ago so he’s excited,” Beth says, trying to detach the toddler clinging on to her leg.

 

“Go on, it’s just Chanyeol, he’s not some stranger!” Beth cheered, gently pushing Mark forward. He looked at Chanyeol, who stood like a giant before him.

 

And as if on cue, the child started crying at the giant hovering above him.

 

Chanyeol froze, picking the crying baby up and holding him up and perching him up on his hip. Miraculously the child stopped crying. 

 

“He’s kinda scary. Why is he staring?” Chanyeol asked upon seeing the baby ogle him as if he was the most wonderful thing he’d ever seen. 

 

“He’s seventeen months old, Chanyeol, he’s just enjoying figuring out this miraculous life at this point,” Beth chuckled, a sad smile making its way onto her face.

 

“It’s a shame things had to go this way. Suzy really loved him, you know. Almost as much as she loved you- I don’t think anyone could take your place in her heart, but this mister might’ve just shared the first place with you. She’d always make sure everything was tip top and perfect for her little boy. But that damn truck driver… such a sad thing, really. She had such a long life ahead of her. But I’m glad she chose you as his guardian, I don’t think I’d trust anyone else with my great grandson,” Beth explained, backing out of the apartment.  Chanyeol scrunched his eyebrows in confusion.

 

“You’re not staying?” Chanyeol asked, feeling surprised when Markl (or as Chanyeol called him: Mark (it was easier)) started to bounce in his hold, a smile-like expression on his tiny face. It was adorable, and he wasn’t going to deny that.

 

“I have other errands I need to run. Why don’t you two bond today? I’ll come back tonight so we can catch up. Do you have the documents I mailed you signed?”

 

Chanyeol nodded and handed the file of papers over to Beth and as soon as he’d done that she was gone.

 

And Mark was once again crying.

 

“No! Don’t cry, it’s fine, nana will come back in a few hours!” Chanyeol tried to calm him down, but with poor success.

 

“Come on,” Chanyeol sighed, rocking the baby in his arms back and forth as the creature slowly stopped crying.

 

“See? Nothing to be afraid of,” Chanyeol whispered, humming a lullaby as he gently rocked the sleepy baby in his arms. 

 

If someone had told him even a week ago that he’d be in custody of his former lover’s dead sister’s child he’d laugh or be damn confused. He was shocked, to say the least. Suzy was the second person he trusted in San Fran, and was like a big sister to him. She always made sure he was okay, always checked up on him and would just be there for him whenever he needed someone to talk to. She was the first proper best friend he had, so to hear she was gone shook him up.

 

He felt like crying, there’s no trouble admitting that. But he wouldn’t, because he had this thought in his head, that if he so much as started crying, Suzy would be frowning at him from the clouds.

 

Because this bundle of life was a reminder of taking nothing for granted. He held him in his arms, and suddenly the room felt orange. Not the same orange he would've described six years ago. No, this orange tinted more pink.

 

His heart swooned at the sight of the sleeping baby on his chest. And he felt content, he felt that pink tinted orange flow through his veins as the small creature fell asleep.

 

He didn't know it was possible to feel the need to protect someone so much. But he did, he felt so protective of the sleeping bundle in his arms.

 

“I promise you, that as long as I’m here you won’t ever get hurt. I promise to protect you the best I can,” Chanyeol spoke quietly, in fear of waking up the tiny human.  _ The best I can, I promise you that _ .  _ Just like she did. _

  
  
  
  
  


  Chanyeol had gotten very little sleep during the night, and as Mark wouldn’t stop crying he had just made the wild decision of letting the child sleep with him for the night.

Chanyeol woke up cradling the sweet baby in his hold, and he smiled at the calm look on his face. 

 

He could get used to it, he was sure. He didn’t exactly mind the child’s presence, if anything he was quite fond of the child already. He was just worried of how Baekhyun would react.

 

Why he was worried of Baekhyun’s reaction, he didn’t know. Maybe because their lives were intertwined so strongly and would be for the following year and a half. 

 

But the reason why he should be worried was knocking behind his door impatiently.

 

“Why aren’t you answering any of my texts?? I texted you like seventeen times yesterday and you ignored me,” Sammy said immediately after Chanyeol had opened the door.

 

“Uh, I kind of had other things to do, sorry.” Honestly, Chanyeol did not feel up to answering Sammy at all. But he didn’t want to come off as rude.             

 

“Oh, okay. I understand,” Sammy answered, inviting himself in and sitting on Chanyeol’s couch. 

 

“Chanyeol, I think we need to talk about some things,” Sammy said, and only then did Chanyeol notice how tired he looked, probably from staying up all night. 

 

“Okay then. What do you want to talk about?” Chanyeol asked, tiredly sitting next to the sleepy man on his couch. 

 

“I’m not gonna beat around the bush, I’ll ask you this right now and I want you to answer honestly,” Sammy stated, shakily breathing out. Chanyeol was starting to feel nervous, his stomach feeling like a storm. 

 

He gulped, “Okay.”

 

“So you know how you have that whole mess with that Baekhyun guy?” Chanyeol odded.

“Chanyeol, are you into Baekhyun?” Sammy asked, sounding choked up.

 

“... Uh, no. No I don’t.”

 

“I told you to answer honestly. I hear the way you talk about him during the rare times he comes up in our conversations. So Chanyeol, please tell me if you like him so I can help you. And help myself, too. I can’t start liking you more if you’re hung up on Baekhyun. Just tell me,” Sammy said, looking up to look Chanyeol in the eye. 

 

“I don’t know. I don’t remember what it’s like to like someone, it’s been a while since I last was in a relationship at all. And honestly, even if I did like him, he has his own life and own lovelife,” Chanyeol sighed, leaning on his knees. 

“How do you feel about him then?” Sammy asked, hesitantly placing his hand on Chanyeol’s shoulder.

 

“That’s the thing; I don’t know,” Chanyeol groaned, keeping his voice down, Mark in mind. 

 

“Well how does he make you feel? How does it feel when he talks to you? Or when he looks at you?” Truth be told, Sammy had no idea what he was supposed to say. But he was trying, because by the looks of it, Chanyeol had no idea what he was supposed to think at the moment.

 

“I don’t… well I guess I feel kind of privileged to get to hear his voice? Even if we don’t talk much, I appreciate it a lot when he talks to me. He has the cutest laugh too. I’ve heard him laughing with Hakyeon, and honestly it’s such a beautiful thing to hear. And when he looks at me I feel like a schoolboy. His smile is god given and I can’t detach my eyes from his lips when he smiles.” He really looked so enchanted by just the description of the wonder that was Baekhyun. There’s no doubt about how he felt, not to Sammy at least.

 

Sammy smiled sadly. He’d realized he’d lost his shot.

 

“So in other words; you like him.” It was better to accept facts, right?

 

“I don’t- well, actually, I guess- no, I can’t-” Sammy shot him a nasty glare, which scared him to blurt his heart to the open air,” yes, I do. I like Baekhyun. But only a little, I think. Just a tiny bit.”

 

“Oh,” Sammy replied, a frown visible on his face.

 

“And what sucks the most about this is that I know he doesn’t like me back, he’s made it so clear that he doesn’t and never will. So why do I like him? When all he does is bitch at me?” Chanyeol looked so genuinely broken and upset that Sammy heard his own heart cracking for the man.

 

“You do know you should do something about it, right? You can’t just silently lose yourself in him and hope he grows attached to you. As you said, he has his own love life complications. So the way I see it, you have to get over him or win his heart over. And I suggest you make your move soon, because I won’t stick around forever either.”

 

“I hate to be that person, but you have to choose. It’s him or me.”

 

Chanyeol nodded.

  
  


☾

  
  


His back was sore from the poor position he’d been sleeping in throughout the way too long flight.

 

He’d texted Jongin before boarding and right after he landed, so that both of their minds could be at ease. But he couldn’t help but feel a bit bothered, as he felt like something bad would happen during his trip.

 

But aside from the bad feeling in his gut, he was excited to be honest. He was in a foreign country, one that he’d only heard of once briefly before. And it was exciting to hear people speaking around you and only understand a single word once every fifteen minutes. 

 

Waiting for him at the airport was a person he’d never seen before in his small, short life, and if it wasn’t for the paper he was holding with Baekhyun’s name scribbled thickly on it, the said man would’ve walked right past him.

 

“Hi, I understand I was supposed to meet you so you could guide me to the hotel?” Baekhyun asked carefully, approaching the small (and absolutely adorable) man about his age with hesitation. 

 

“Oh, yes! I assume you’re Baekhyun, because otherwise this could get awkward,” the short man chuckled, folding up the piece of paper and stuffing it in his pocket.

“Yup, that’s me,” he replied, letting out a short laugh to fill the awkward silence. 

 

“I’m Rasmus by the way, and I’ll try my best not to lose you in these streets and maybe even guide you around here,” the man smiled. It made Baekhyun smile as well. He just had a pure aura around him that Baekhyun appreciated greatly. 

 

“Nice to meet you, Rasmus,” Baekhyun grinned, shaking the hand of the petit male. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


  The hotel room he was staying in (and that Rasmus kindly walked him to) was nice. The bedsheets were white and pure, the floors wooden and walls a pale blue. He plopped down onto the mattress and screamed into the blanket, letting out all of his annoyance out for the day.

 

He was tired, but for some reason the following day excited him. It was scary, and what was scarier was the thought of his excitement thriving from a certain awkward actor. He was terrified, but nevertheless, he fell asleep there in his jetlagged state, his travel clothes still on and his shoes sloppily on the ground.

  
  
  


☾

  
  


That morning Chanyeol woke up, and nearly forgot he was now taking care of another human being. But he remembered a few minutes after waking up as he heard the infant giggle at Chanyeol’s sleepy face.

 

“Morning, buddy,” Chanyeol laughed out, taking the giggly baby into his arms, but never once sitting up from his previous laying  down position. Mark was silent for a while, but started to mumble nonsense just when Chanyeol thought he’d fallen asleep again. 

 

Chanyeol was very aware of the flight he would have to catch in a matter of hours, and he was even more aware he would have to take Mark with him, as Beth was still busy with her errands.

 

“We’re going on a trip, pup, how do you feel about that?” Chanyeol asked groggily, as Mark started crying.

 

“I feel ya, bud.”

  
  
  
  


 Turns out being the person with the crying baby in the plane is so much worse than being an outsider in the situation. Because when you have the crying baby and are responsible for them, you’re trying your best to calm them down, and when it doesn’t work it makes you want to start crying as well.

 

But somehow the both of them got through the flight successfully and in twelve short hours they had reached their destination. 

 

Honestly, he wanted to think of the trip as a bonding experience, since he’d be stuck with the kid for the rest of his life. Not that he minded, he had grown to love the little one like he was his own, even though he felt like he was too young to have kids yet. He was excited to watch the creature grow and stumble and most importantly he was excited to simply be there and be the coolest guardian ever.

 

He’d received countless of coos and ‘aw’s’ directed at him and the baby in his arms. He had been scared that the amount of people at the airport would’ve scared the little one, but instead the boy had handled it like a champ, and didn’t even cry once. 

 

Mark was sleeping on Chanyeol’s chest while Chanyeol slept in the car, very aware that his schedule for the following day would be extremely busy. But he didn’t care much, because in that moment all he cared about was the child sleeping on him and living his life properly for him. 

  
  
  


☾

  
  


Baekhyun had had the whole day to browse the streets and stores, and it was all starting to turn to trash when Rasmus found him crying in the bathroom stall of McDonald’s.

 

To start from the beginning, Baekhyun had actually woken up feeling pretty good. He’d woken up with a feeling that could only be described as genuinely nice and all things good. But as he realized he had forgotten to take a lot of necessities with him, the odds of having a good day seemed to slip further away and out of reach.

 

He managed to get dressed and eat breakfast (although that too was with tremendous trouble) all without having to phone Rasmus for help. He had briefly texted the man to confirm that it was okay to eat at the breakfast buffet the hotel provided. 

 

When he had eaten and dressed himself up, he had decided to head out, and here’s where his real troubles began. Since he hadn’t had much time before taking off, he’d failed to exchange some currency, so he was basically walking around like a poor man in need of help. 

 

Eventually he figured it out (this time having to call Rasmus, but refusing to let him find him and help him out in person), and his exciting wandering day could start.

 

The shopping part itself worked well and he managed to buy a lot of things that he wanted despite the minor language barrier, which wasn’t as bad as he had originally thought. He managed pretty well in English, excluding the few times he had to gesture. 

 

All in all, things were riding pretty smoothly, and he wasn’t too worried about life as he walked freely in the streets, feeling a sense of comfort and bliss upon knowing that he was walking in a place where no one knew who he was. He wouldn’t bump into a neighbor, or an old classmate who secretly hated his guts. In these streets he was just like any other stranger, and he embraced that freedom, loving every bit of the exchanges he made, knowing he’d never see any of the people again. 

 

He was happy, as careful as he was with admitting it. Because he was scared that if he was too liberal with happiness, that happiness would pick itself up and walk out the door. 

 

So there he was, a slight smile on his face, carefully happy as he walked into McDonald’s. He ordered his food, and after he finished eating he decided to go to the toilet.

 

Now the real trouble starts here, as the whole beginning of the day would seem like the most easy and good spirited happening ever.

 

At first it was fine, as he just stepped inside and did his business. But then he got a call, and in the strandedness of the area, he decided to answer it, knowing it was Jongin and in need of some cheering up.

 

But when he answered, he wasn’t able to hear the usual excited tone of Jongin. Instead his husband sounded teary and tired. 

 

“Hi, Baekhyun,” he’d sighed, sounding stuffy, probably from crying. 

 

“Hi Jongin! How are you, baby?” Baekhyun had whispered, savoring the call, but also feeling terrified due to the short opening of the call.

“I’m fine.” And this was the exact moment he knew something was wrong, need be he had to pinpoint one. Normally, the man his heart had chosen would be way more lively during their phone calls, way more chatty and way more full of life. He felt like someone had punched him in the gut. Worry filled his heart.

 

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?”  Baekhyun frowned, holding the phone in his hand shakingly. He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath.

 

“I… I’m not gonna sugarcoat this so… please remember that I did love you a lot.”

 

His heart crashed, cracked and broke before he even heard the explanation fully. How is anyone supposed to react to those type of words? Just accept it and move on? His body was shaking, and he wasn’t doing anything to stop it.

 

“O-okay,”he whispered. It was hard to breathe, as if someone placed a vacuum inside his lungs and he was trying his best to fight back, barely doing anything to help his situation.

 

“Baekhyun let’s break up.” And with those four harsh words his world crashed down. 

 

“We can still be married by law, that’s fine, but I’d prefer not to see you anymore. Like, at all. I’ve found someone else during the time you spent traveling.” Baekhyun wanted to believe it was all a lie, but his tone didn’t give anything away, as for the first time in years he didn’t understand Jongin.

 

“Okay then. I can accept that, if that’s what you want. Just tell me, please; were these past four years we shared all just a joke to you?” Baekhyun asked, his voice merely a whisper as pain raided his entire being.

 

“No. I loved you more than any human physically can love another. But that’s why I need to tell you before I proceed anything with my new… partner,” Jongin stated, and it almost angered Baekhyun, how he was so calm and nonchalant about the whole thing.  _ Did I not cry my heart out for you? _

 

“Okay. Goodbye Jongin, I love you,” Baekhyun cried out, ending the call before anything else could be said. Little did he know the other one was hurting just as much, if not more.

 

But in that moment, all he knew was his pain. The one that was making it impossible for him to breath. The one that cursed his whole body and made him shake like it was the coldest of days. 

 

Tears painted his cheeks only seconds after he ended the call. He had thought love would’ve been more merciful. But he was wrong, and at least he found out. 

 

He swore he’d never love again. His heart felt like a porcelain plate that had been dropped. And there his heart was, in fine shards, on the floor of his being.

 

So he called Rasmus, begging to be picked up and brought to the hotel to catch some sleep. Deep down he hoped that if he slept for long enough, he’d wake up and find himself in Jongin’s arms and he’d convince him it was all a bad dream. 

 

But once again, we absolutely do not get the things we want.

 

☾

 

Chanyeol was quite nervous to be shooting that day. He’d decided to take Mark with him, and he was afraid the boy would get startled by the amount of people that would constantly be surrounding him.

 

His fears proved to be quite reasonable when the first thing the baby did was cry as they left the comforts of the car they’d used to travel.

 

“Mark, please don’t cry, my ears don’t like it and it really breaks my heart too,” Chanyeol muttered into the boy’s hair. But that didn’t stop the munchkin from crying, as he freed his tears onto Chanyeol’s shirt.

 

Chanyeol simply opted to hold the teary baby and let him cry, even if it tore him apart.

 

“Just a bit longer, bunny, don’t worry,” Chanyeol reassured, walking inside the big hall purposed solely for filming movies/shows. 

 

He walked in, and saw a frantic Hakyeon running toward him, scolding him for being late.

 

Mark was passed to Hakyeon as Chanyeol was rushed to get his makeup done, and he frowned at the thought of giving Mark away to some stranger.

 

But when he next saw the baby he was happily laying in Baekhyun’s arms. The man looked worn out, but Chanyeol didn’t comment on it, as he only shot the boy a look of ‘are you okay?’ 

When Baekhyun simply nodded, he figured it was best to let it be and let Baekhyun bond with Mark. Not that he needed to or had any reason to. But the sight of Baekhyun smiling at the creature laughing in his arms made Chanyeol’s heart skip beats like they were doing skotch hops.

 

“I need to go film now, but I’ll treat you to dinner after we’re done,” Chanyeol suddenly piped up, Baekhyun glancing up to look at him momentarily, thus interrupting his previous action of tickling the baby in his arms ever so slightly.

 

“Oh, okay,” Baekhyun breathed out groggily, a faint smile on his lips. Chanyeol nearly frowned. His smile wasn’t as authentic as it usually was. But again, he didn’t comment and didn’t open his mouth.

 

Instead he walked to the man holding his precious baby and kissed the small boy on the forehead. “Don’t worry, bunny, I’ll be right back! Treat Baekhyun well, won’t you?”

 

And in a sudden whisk of braveness he plopped a kiss to Baekhyun’s cheek as well. “Don’t let him give you a hard time,” he whispered before parting with him and sauntering off. 

 

Baekhyun stood frozen.

  
  
  


  Baekhyun wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with a baby. Sure he loved kids, but he hadn’t exactly been around plenty of them in the past years. But he decided he’d do his best so Chanyeol could have the child back in one piece.

 

Baekhyun simply decided to sit down in a chair and chat to the baby, knowing fully well it wouldn’t respond.

 

“You know what, Mark? Chanyeol really is a sweet person, I hope you’re both doing good,” Baekhyun hummed, smiling as the baby giggled, as if to agree with him.

 

“You’re pretty adorable, aren’t you? Don’t give Chanyeol too hard of a time, he’s a big softie and just wants the best for people, including you. Ah, you’re quite adorable,” Baekhyun giggled. He’d heard babies could make things better, but he never truly believed it until he experienced it himself.

 

“I wish you’d always stay this small so I could hug you like this,” Baekhyun whispered, like it was some great secret. 

 

Chanyeol glanced at the pair from the side, softly smiling to himself. His heart was speeding, and he was trying to accept.

  
  


☾

 

By the time Chanyeol had finished filming, it was very late and Hakyeon had taken it upon himself to get Mark to sleep in time. So Baekhyun was one of the last people in the room as he waited for Chanyeol to finish so they could leave.

 

He let his eyes wander around the room as he waited. He smiled at the sight of the pacifier Mark had left behind. He figured he could get it back tomorrow, so he let it sit there so it wouldn’t get lost. 

 

He looked at the different types of fabrics and objects all around the space and couldn’t help but respect the people who were in charge of the props, because the place looked organized as hell.

 

“Hi, wanna go?” Chanyeol came up behind him, and he felt a sense of pride upon not shying away or getting scared.

 

“Yeah, sure,” Baekhyun smiled, and as much as he was aware he looked like the mere shell of a man, he tried not to let it shine through too much.

 

They walked out, hesitantly holding hands as they searched for some place to get food at.

 

They settled for pizza, as the pizzeria they went to happened to open at the moment.

 

“Mark is a really nice kid,” Baekhyun commented after they’d ordered and were waiting on their food.

 

“He is, isn’t he? He’s so adorable,” Chanyeol chuckled. Baekhyun smiled as well, liking the way a dimple appeared on Chanyeol’s cheek as he smiled.

 

“Yeah, he is,” Baekhyun replied, shutting up when they got their pizzas and ate over silence.

  
  
  
  
  


        They were walking on the quiet streets, hand in hand and silence enveloping them once more. And Baekhyun didn’t like the silence. It gave him too much time and space to think of his failures in life. Of how he failed Jongin and how he failed everyone else too.

 

He felt bad for mixing Chanyeol into his life. Because he felt like it was unfair to Chanyeol that he kept being a moody son of a bitch and insulting him left and right.

 

But he couldn’t help but think of the comfort he craved for and needed, and how he missed it.

 

“Chanyeol, please don’t hate me for this,” Baekhyun breathed out, nudging Chanyeol behind a corner and attaching his lips to the taller man’s own ones.

 

It was soft, way softer than he’d ever dared to dream of. Chanyeol froze for a split second, but responded to the kiss soon enough, bringing his hands to Baekhyun’s neck. He savoured the feeling of the other’s lips, breathing in the feeling of the presence and he feeling. It was turning into a breathy make out session, more or less, as Baekhyun desperately tried to get closer and tiptoed in order to access Chanyeol’s lips better. He slipped his tongue in, sensing the slight tension this created in Chanyeol, and pulling away slightly as if to offer a way out, but Chanyeol, in the haze only pulled him closer, attaching their lips once again, this time captivating the smaller’s lips with more intensity. And there they were, two fools making out in the corner of the street.

 

As if someone had knocked some sense into him, Chanyeol parted away and pushed himself off of Baekhyun.

 

“That’s… we shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry, Baekhyun, I… That was wrong, I’m sorry,” Chanyeol muttered, turning swiftly and practically running away.

 

Baekhyun sat down on the street corner, not caring how dirty it was as tear after tear exited his eyes, and he couldn’t stop the sobs from coming out of his mouth.

 

He’d really fucked up. And he didn’t see the light everyone always said was there if you knew where to look.

 

For the first time in a while he felt utterly alone.


	22. coming to terms

**chapter twenty-one - coming to terms**

 

**SIX MONTHS, TWO WEEKS**

 

Baekhyun's mind was running wild, pacing around as he tried to fully comprehend the weight of his doings. After doing a whole lot of sleeping and moping around, he had come to the conclusion that he was in fact not sleeping and experiencing a terrible nightmare.

 

The sun wasn't even up yet, but his eyes creaked open to peek at the moon. It looked so sad. Even the moon reflected his inner cries of the heart as he closed his eyes again.

 

He'd spent the whole week at the hotel, only getting up and about to meet up with Chanyeol at the warehouse every few days. But aside from that all his time was spent in his hotel room as he stared at the walls. Sometimes Chanyeol would pass by to drop Mark off for him to watch while Chanyeol himself had other things to do.

 

It was true that Baekhyun had grown attached to the infant and vice versa. So having the company of the child was much needed and Baekhyun took him in with open arms. It cheered him up to play with the baby and successfully helped him get his mind off things.

 

But even as he was in contact with Chanyeol all the time, Chanyeol refused to look him in the eye or hold a conversation for longer than five minutes. And that hurt him way more than he thought it would. 

 

It was awful to look at Chanyeol just smile around when he was feeling like shit. He felt embarrassed that he had given in to his desires like that. He knew Chanyeol didn’t like him, so why did he have to go on ahead and complicate things?

  
  


He was missing a certain man quite a lot. Every speck of freetime he had he'd spend thinking of how he should've been better and should've been enough. 

 

And it seemed like he never was.

  
  


He was lying face down on the bed, wondering if it was possible for his body to produce any more tears. It was apparent that he hadn't gotten any sleep lately. The prominent eye bags under his eyes were a huge giveaway, but no one really took the time to comment on it or voice their concern.

 

He was sure the last time he ate a proper meal was when he went out to eat with Chanyeol. It's not that he didn’t want to eat, he just never felt hungry or in the mood to eat.

 

So he was getting thinner by day, wasting himself away as time ticked on.

 

He really didn’t know how to feel. Didn't know where the sudden urge to kiss Chanyeol came from. He figured he was just vulnerable and in the moment just wanted someone to love him so much that he didn't have to love back.

 

But it's never that simple.

 

Because if the kiss could be blamed on his momentary vulnerability, then he wouldn't feel a pang in his chest every time he saw Chanyeol kiss his co-star during shootings. 

So why didn't he just leave then? He really didn't know at all. Because while he hated the knocking of the pang in his chest, he couldn't just simply ignore the sudden eruption of butterflies he got just by simply imagining getting kissed by the man instead. 

 

And this in turn made him feel sad. Because wasn't he so madly in love with Jongin just a week before? And there he was, already making out with someone else just hours after getting dumped. The other half of his heart was still very much shattered and shackled in Korea. But it seemed like a part of his heart wanted to escape and cling itself onto Chanyeol, which was terrifying to think of.

 

He had to admit; kissing Chanyeol did make him feel things he didn't know how to describe. And the feeling of those lips on his was something he couldn't help but want to feel again. But he knew he shouldn't. After all, Chanyeol didn't like him and Baekhyun should just stay out of his way. 

 

And it pained to be fully alone, but he was sure it was for the best. Because no one needed the mess he was, so why push himself onto people?

 

He was mad at himself, too. Chanyeol deserved more and so did Jongin. Jongin couldn't be blamed for abandoning him, he knew that. He had put the man in such a bad position and he was lucky he'd agreed to try to figure things out between them for so long. But the day he dared came, as his heart broke in to a million pieces just like he thought it would. 

 

But he would’ve never been able to guess the scale of the pain. It felt like someone had carved his heart and soul out and kind of just went ‘good luck!’ whilst laughing evilly. The pain of numbness really caused him to wonder whether he was dead or not more times than it's appropriate to mention.

 

Eventually he fell back asleep, having figured out that his body in fact could always squeeze out a couple tears more.


	23. the truth behind it all

twenty-two - the truth beneath it all  
SIX MONTHS, THREE WEEKS  
It's not that he hadn't noticed it at all before, or that he didn't care enough to give it more thought, but on that particular day he realized how much the pain really affected him.  
Pain was something that he couldn't quite begin to explain (even on the odd occasion that he might've even slightly wanted to) or put into words.  
Pain is personal, he thought, but just the same.   
Because doesn't pain just feel so excruciatingly numbing? Pain was something else entirely, and definitely not something he as a passable-as-sane person he wanted to deal with.   
Pain was thunder, but at the same time it was the bottom of the ocean, it was the slight kisses the subtle summer rain left on your skin. It held twisted beauty, yetno beauty at all. It was ugly down to the core and it was breaking and crushing, and most of all it was tormenting.   
Pain was red- but pain was blue. Blue as in the deep dark phthalo that enveloped a soul in its fist, squeezing so hard that breathing was impossible. Like the blue had tenk you underwater, and dumped you there, daring you to breathe when it knew you couldn't. And there you were, considering letting go and breathing in the blue until it was all you could feel.  
Pain was crimson, maybe falling a bit more down on the tracks of blue toned shade. Not quite a fire, barely even a flame; really it was just the aftermath of the flame, as the smoke bitterly kept hanging in the air and flew into the nostrils of a soul who didn't know better. And it suffocated once again, made it impossible to breathe.   
And as he stared at the wall, the puddle of phthalo and crimson on his chest continued painting his soul away, and he wondered if he'd ever breathed in the first place.  
It wasn’t an unordinary occurrence for Chanyeol to come knocking on his door during the early morning hours with a crying baby in his hands. And it definitely wasn’t one that he minded either, as he always opened the door wider, making room for the two little devils he had grown more or less accepting and even nearly fond of.  
During those times, Baekhyun took the whiny child from Chanyeol, the actor smiling at him gracefully before giving both Baekhyun and the usually-calm-by-then Mark a kiss on the cheek before plopping down on Baekhyun’s bed and catching up on the sleep he'd missed. It was a routine they had developed over the week, and Baekhyun couldn't straightforwardly complain even if he would've felt the need to. Which he honestly didn't.  
Although he didn't want to, he had to admit that when it just happened that Chanyeol was asleep on his lap and Mark was asleep in his arms, he felt a bit more whole than he had. And he was terrified because of that- wasn't he supposed to be in love with someone else? But then he reminded himself that Jongin had found someone else, too. Although that didn't change the fact that he felt wrong and he felt dirty, he tried his best to keep his thoughts at bay.  
And even as he kept telling himself to move on (Jongin had did it; so why couldn't he?), it didn't feel right. Because the sense of smartness he possessed told him something wasn't right. Because his Jongin wouldn't throw a four-year relationship down the drain, especially not over the phone. Not after when they vowed to love each other forever. Something was fishy, but every time Baekhyun had gathered enough courage to confront the love of his life, he'd chicken out. He'd start feeling guilty, because maybe he truly had moved on and never wanted to see Baekhyun again.   
But the fact was that Baekhyun didn't have much time to win Jongin back, even if the game they played had no winners in the first place. And that was saddening, and made panic bubble in his body.   
But as Chanyeol shifted in his sleep, his peaceful face nuzzling at his stomach, he nearly forgot about the drama his life held out for him. Just nearly though.

Baekhyun had found out an interesting fact about himself, one that he was surprisingly okay with it.  
He was really good at the whole family pattern thing.  
Sometimes, he found it scary how natural it all felt. How natural it now was to feel Chanyeol’s lips attach themselves to some part of his body, and how ordinary it was for them to randomly cuddle in the middle of the day. It was like they were an actual couple and not together for the sake of a contract. They didn't question it.  
And of course, Mark fit into the puzzle perfectly. He had become such a natural part of their lives that during the times Hakyeon or Rasmus took care of him, he felt empty without the little rascal.   
And all of this he found terrible. He hated himself for moving on so fast. He despised himself for letting himself be so casual with another man so quickly after separating from his previous love. And he felt guilt that during all of the kisses Chanyeol provided, he couldn't even focus on him, instead wandering back to the man who supposedly didn't even love him.  
He would've cried more, maybe the past version of him would've. But Chanyeol kept assuring him that they were just friends, and friends kissed each other and raised kids together- right?   
Right then Chanyeol stirred in his sleep, Mark doing the same on his chest and Baekhyun couldn't help but smile. Maybe he was a mess, a big one at that, but at least he had something constant in his life. He pressed a quick kiss to Chanyeol’s temple and whispered an apology. I'm sorry I can't be better.  
Baekhyun remembered the day he sent in his application for the job. Even then, he wasn't proud of himself as he pressed the ‘send’ icon on his laptop as Jongin slept soundly next to him. But he didn't see any other choice, and concluded he wouldn't lose anything by trying.  
But he was wrong, as he had lost his everything. And he couldn't function properly without his everything.  
It didn't really phase him when he woke up in the morning with dried tears on his face. Right before he'd fallen asleep, he'd stalled Jongin’s instagram shamelessly, scrolling through the newest posts and feeling a stab of pain envelope his heart every time he saw the love of his life post something with his new lover- namely Sehun, as Baekhyun had learned- or worse, simply of him.   
It was quite obvious that Baekhyun still wasn't over the parting. He didn't think he ever would be, to be quite honest. He just simply looked at the wall and knew that if Jongin were there, he'd make a remark on how the hotel room needed improvement, and a pop of color. Baekhyun would've laughed it off, making an excuse of how the hotel probably wanted to save money, and then would have proceeded to kiss Jongin’s face because the other would've pouted cutely after remarking that it didn't change the fact that the room looked boring.  
Baekhyun was more or less sure he was turning insane, as every picture he scrolled through, with the careful thought in mind that he shouldn't like anything, his heart shattered further and further, until the shards just seemed to be impossible to glue back.   
He tried to joke about it, but honestly nothing proved to be funny. And it pained him a lot.  
He just wanted to take out his phone and demand for answers. Because his Jongin wasn't like this, his Jongin still loved him.  
And that's what he told himself, told that to himself every day in poor attempt to make everything better. Because all the missing was making his soul ache, it made him crazier by the second.   
From: Unknown number  
If you want to know what really happened with Jongin, reply with anything   
To: Unknown number  
Okay.  
Chanyeol looked handsome in a suit, and to Baekhyun this shouldn't have come to as big of a surprise as it did. Of course admitting this aloud or to himself was out of the question. Baekhyun mindlessly hung around the set, finding no use in circling around town to splurge at the same stores he had for the past week or so. He smiled when Hakyeon strolled towards him, holding out a frowning Mark to him, practically pushing the child into his arms.   
“He’s been acting up all day, I figured he’d want dad #1,” Hakyeon explained, smiling when he heard Baekhyun laughing. “Since when am I dad #1? Wouldn’t that be Chanyeol?” But even as he said that, he was secretly pleased.   
“Hmm, we can tell him he’s the number one dad, but we both know this little guy loves you both equally,” Hakyeon reasoned, ruffling Mark’s hair as the boy shuffled in Baekhyun’s arms.   
“I know that you love to joke about me and Chanyeol being Mark’s parents, but we’re not, and you know that. I mean Chanyeol is, probably will be the dad Mark needs in his life, but not me. You know that I’m out of both of their lives in a year and a half. I can’t afford to have him get used to me, we all know that,” Baekhyun sighed, smiling sadly at the joyful baby in his arms.  
“It doesn’t have to be like that, you could always stick around to be in Mark’s life. He could have two parents that love him,” Hakyeon explained, frowning as Baekhyun shook his head.  
“I can’t, though, it isn’t fair for him. For either one of them. Mark shouldn’t grow up in an environment where he has a dad who sticks around out of guilt. I want Chanyeol to find someone else, who can love both of them way more than I ever could,” Baekhyun said and the words laid heavily in the air, the depth of the announcement leaving Hakyeon speechless for a split second.  
“You know that baby loves you, don’t you?” Hakyeon decided to say instead of lecturing him and somehow it hurt worse.  
“I know and that’s why I’m glad he won’t remember me when he grows older. It’s for the best, trust me,” Baekhyun assured, but he didn’t really convince either one of them.  
Mark whined in his ear, and he snapped back into reality.  
“I’ll go back to the hotel to nap with this bunny. I’ll see you later,” Baekhyun forced out, his heart breaking a little when Mark held out his hand to reach for Chanyeol. He felt selfish, but he really wanted to spend all the time he had left with Mark the best he could.   
“You’ll get to see Chanyeol as much as humanly possible in the next eighteen years or so,” Baekhyun said, a small huff emitting his mouth as he looked at the tired child in his arms.   
“But for now, let's have some quality time so I can remember you like this and when you're like twenty we'll bump into each other at the market and I'll tell you how much you've grown since I last saw you and oh, how handsome you've gotten. Except you won't remember me, so you'll smile politely like your daddy taught you to, and you'll excuse yourself and maybe later you'll text your dad and tell him about some crazy uncle you met at the convenience store. And I'll be fine if you remember me as that, because I'll have this memory of you looking so peaceful when you're just a second away from dreaming. So just remember this when I bump into you, who knows, maybe you'll feel my love and magically remember me.” He hadn't realized he was rambling until he heard the baby sigh in his dreams. Tears threatened to rush into his eyes, but he fought choking them back as he kept walking to the hotel, a soft smile on his lips when they finally reached their destination and went off to sleep. It was going to be fine.  
Chanyeol knew something was off as soon as Baekhyun had kissed him that night. Maybe a bit before that, but he used that event as the pin-point moment shit was wrong. Admittedly running away was not the solution he should've picked, but nonetheless, the point here is that something was up with Baekhyun.   
From the little he'd figured out about the guy, he knew for sure that he was no cheater, so he could only conclude he'd split up with Jongin. The only thing he couldn't figure out was why. If they were such a perfect couple, why break up? As he thought of it more and more, he only got angrier. How could Jongin not fight to keep something so precious? All he could think of was how much better he'd treat Baekhyun, if given the chance. So he took every opportunity he could, stealing kisses, lingering with his touches, hugging him tightly and bothering him at ungodly hours while he still could.  
It would be a lie to say kissing Baekhyun wasn't amazing. It proved to be quite spectacular, even in the haze of the dragged out night. But even as Baekhyun kissed him with so much need, he had to break away, stop his feelings, and run. Because even if he didn't want to believe it, the kiss wasn't for him and therefore held no meaning.   
He knew this, but of course it didn't stop him from daydreaming of kissing the soft lips again and again until they'd turn pink and swollen, and Baekhyun would smile at him with that smile that made flowers grow in his lungs. And then Chanyeol would kiss him once more, in the softest way possible and lean back slightly to hear Baekhyun whine ever so silently. Then he'd proceed to hug him and cuddle him and show him all the love he possibly could.   
He would, but he couldn't and that was undoubtedly the worst part. Of course he knew Baekhyun didn't like him the way he did. He knew this because everytime he did as much as hug Baekhyun, he could feel the other's heart somewhere else entirely. But still, he played along and fed unto the idea of them being the perfect couple.  
He opted to stay away from plain sight and watch how Baekhyun’s expressions changed as he spoke to Hakyeon. The way he smiled after something the other had told him was enough to give Chanyeol’s heart a hard time. Despite being curious, Chanyeol had decided to never listen to Baekhyun’s conversations again in fear of getting hurt by his words a few times too many.  
He watched Baekhyun leave, Mark in his arms while muttering. But as Baekhyun left, Hakyeon spotted him awkwardly standing alone.  
“Greetings, dad number two,” Hakyeon said, making Chanyeol choke on thin air.  
“What the hell? What kind of bullshit logic makes me dad number two?” Chanyeol was in fact hurt, not wanting to stan around getting disrespected in such a manner.  
“The fact that Mark has two dads and Baekhyun’s obviously the cool dad while you're the dad he comes to after having fun with Dad Byun,” Hakyeon explained, causing Chanyeol to roll his eyes.  
“I'm sure Mark doesn't think of Baekhyun and me as dads one and two,” Chanyeol commented, taking a sip of water upon fetching a bottle. He wouldn't lie though, thinking of Baekhyun being a dad to Mark with him made his heart beat a little faster.   
“Say what you say,” Hakyeon simply said, a smirk soon splitting his face.  
“Although I'm pretty sure the both of you have become the owners of the first place in his heart,” Hakyeon assured and Chanyeol smiled a genuine smile in return. He would sure hope so.  
“But I'm not here to talk about you two daddying the poor child, I'm here to talk to you about why you still haven't gotten over your stupid crush on dad number one. You're both adults, you work together. No feelings unless they’re platonic or returned.” Chanyeol can see it in his eyes that he doesn't mean it and he only wants the best for Chanyeol. But Chanyeol didn't want the best, he wanted Baekhyun.   
“You know it took me so long to even get my dick up after Minsek passed. And now that Baekhyun somehow managed to wiggle his way into my mind, I'm terrified. I haven't felt this in so long, and of course it isn't the same as it was with Minseok  
But there's something about him that makes me want to not care about breaking my heart, because I'm sure it'll get broken somewhere in this mess. But he makes me want to believe it's gonna be worth it.” There was a smile so genuine and real on his face it pained Hakyeon to see it.  
“Then, Chanyeol you better work your ass off to get him to want to break his hesty for you too. He doesn't love you now, but when he says he never will, he's wrong  
But right now he's sure he'll leave after the contract ends. So you don't exactly have all the time in the world here. He doesn't love you now- just like you're not in love with him yet. But that doesn't mean you won't fall for each other in the future,” Hakyeon explained, a heavy feeling in his heart. He didn't see how it could ever turn out well, but seeing Chanyeol so hopeful made him want to help.  
“He just has a lot on his plate right now though, so don't go hitting on him all the time. His heart is still very much broken, even if he refuses to show it to you.   
Something about those words (and some words yet to come) would keep him up all night.  
At night, Baekhyun couldn't sleep. He couldn't sleep because the AC in his room was being obnoxiously loud and Mark had made it his mission to roll around as much as possible. The boy was sleeping, but somehow managed to move around so much that Baekhyun stayed up to make sure the baby didn’t roll off the big bed.   
After midnight he calmed down enough to make Baekhyun feel somewhat safe in just sitting next to the baby, occasionally keeping a hand at his back to make sure he didn't roll too far away.  
But still, he was awake and alone (for the most part anyway) and that gave him enough headspace to start thinking. He let his mind wander to the weird text message he'd gotten earlier.   
If he'd learnt anything from his parents, it was that strangers shouldn't be trusted. Still he caved in so easily when the Unknown reached out to him with the mere mention of Jongin. He probably should've blocked the number and informed the police- or at least Hakyeon. Buy he didn't, because the feeling in his mind that something wasn't right in the way they broke things off was too overpowering. So if Unknown was going to tell him just what went wrong, he was ready to listen even with the off chance of getting murdered. And later on he realized he'd rather be dead then spend time away from the man he loved.   
Just as he was making more speculations on why The Break Up went the way it did (with the most honorable mention being that Jongin had gotten replaced by aliens), his phone buzzed excitedly on the bedside table.  
From: Unknown number  
Ready to find out?   
Reply with anything if you are.  
To: Unknown number  
&*!?  
Soon he saw the ‘answer’ and ‘decline’ buttons flash on his screen. He cursed; Unknown wasn't supposed to call him!  
He sighed, glancing at the sleeping Mark before deciding to guard the baby with pillows around him like a fence. He wondered why he hadn't done that sooner. Anyhow, he rushed to the bathroom and answered his buzzing phone.  
“You weren't supposed to call me,” Baekhyun retorted, all fear having flown out of the window.   
“Sorry? I was about to ask if you wanted to order the-”  
“Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I thought you were someone else, I can't order anything, sorey,” Baekhyun rushed out, feeling his cheeks flare red in embarrassment   
“I'm just fucking with you, how's it going cutiepie?”the caller laughed cheekily, making Baekhyun more red, although this time in anger.  
“You devil, you're such an asshole, I'm going to hang up, answers be damned,” Baekhyun huffed into the phone, receiving a ‘no, don’t go, I was only kidding!’ from the other side of the line.   
“I'm sorry, okay? Now it's time for me to tell you about how big of an ass Jongin was and fix it, since I am the love doctor here,” the man stated, making Baekhyun snort.  
“You do realize I have no reason to trust you, right?” Baekhyun mumbled, but the called catched his words anyway.  
“I do realize that, yes, but I’ve also taken into consideration that you've always answered me immediately,” the man pointed out. Baekhyun stood in stunned silence for a while. He wasn't wrong.  
“Anyway, I'll introduce myself now. I'm Sehun, Jongin’s only friend at the moment,” Sehun snickered and Baekhyun swore he heard someone shout ‘hey!’ in the background. His heart went haywire. Jongin in the same room as Sehun, listening to their call?  
“And you're Baekhyun, the love of Jongin’s sad life and now I have to fix this mess he made.”  
Baekhyun gulped.  
“Sehun, you have to understand that I love him more than anything on this earth,” Baekhyun started.  
“Of course, that's why I'm calling-” Sehun started as well, but Baekhyun cut him off, “But you have to also understand that he broke my heart beyond repair. This past week has been absolute Hell for me, as I can only imagine the love of my life loving someone else.”  
The line went silent for a while, and Baekhyun was starting to think Sehun had hung up on him.  
“Baekhyun, you do know he was lying through his teeth, right? He still loves you and this past week he's looked the most horrible I’ve ever seen him and I saw him during that week in february. He doesn't have anyone new, he was saying that so you'd hate him and maybe get over him more easily. He wanted to erase himself from your life so that when he died, you wouldn't get your heart shattered,” Sehun rambled, taking a deep breath before continuing, “What I'm saying is he did this to protect you. But now the both of you are pathetic. So get on the next plane here and come get your man.”  
Baekhyun’s breathing hitched as he couldn't believe his ears. He was trying his hardest to process everything.   
“Sehun… I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I still love him, very much too. But this just shows me that he'd rather push me away than fight with me. He didn't protect me, he just broke my heart in advance like it was some sort of beneficial deal for me. He doesn't need to try to save me, I can handle myself,” he ranted, breathing heavily.  
“But I'll come as soon as I can. Tell him that. Tell him I love him, just in case he forgot.”  
Chanyeol had decided not to eavesdrop on Baekhyun anymore, that much is true. He did promise himself that, as he valued Baekhyun’s privacy and prefered his feelings unhurt.   
But this time, he hadn't meant to hear what he heard, and he even tried to zone out to not hear.   
He'd decided to pay Baekhyun a visit after filming, maybe tell him that he wants a shot, wants to try.  
So when he came in and saw Mark sleeping alone on the big bed all three of them had used religiously during the past week, his heart skipped a beat.  
He heard Baekhyun on the phone and he knew the words were produced by the Baekhyun who wants everyone to see how strong and okay he is. And to hear it, have the confirmation that Baekhyun was still in love with someone, having that someone else be someone other than him gave him the final push.  
Baekhyun opened the door to the bedroom and looked at the deep-in-thought Chanyeol standing in the middle of the room.   
“Chanyeol? Is everything alright?” he asked, walking closer and placing a hand on the taller’s cheek.  
Chanyeol’s heart squeezed in pain when he remembered that Baekhyun only saw him as a friend.  
“Y-yeah. Everything's fine, I'm just a bit tired, thought I'd crash here,” Chanyeol excused, hoping his voice wouldn't betray him and crack.  
Baekhyun smiled brightly and gave him a kiss on his cheek.   
And even when his heart squeezed in pain, he knew he'd keep being in pain if that meant Baekhyun would smile like that.  
“Has he been out for long?” Chanyeol asked, swiftly changing the subject before he had time to think about his pain too much.  
“For a few hours now. Let's pray he won't wake us up too early,” Baekhyun chuckled, squeezing Chanyeol in for a hug.   
And Chanyeol’s feels so selfish in that moment, feels his heart beating wildly at just the thought of speaking the words in his mind.  
“Baekhyun, can I kiss you? You know, for the last time or something,” Chanyeol asked, feeling a tad bit broken at the look of surprise on Baekhyun’s face. The man went through a quick inner battle before nodding.  
“Kiss me, Chanyeol,” he whispered, taking a hold of the actor's nape and bringing his lips down to level his own.  
He leaned forward, adoring the way their lips brushed together teasingly, just enough to drive him over the edge.  
Their lips met properly, and Chanyeol grinned into the kiss, almost laughing as Baekhyun’s knees literally buckled. Baekhyun smiled too, tightening his grip on Chanyeol, bringing him closer, to feel more and get more access.  
Chanyeol thought he'd explode, but he didn't, and instead probed further into Baekhyun’s mouth as he dared to slip his tongue in.   
He felt like it was all an experiment, one he didn't mind at all, and neither did the other.  
Baekhyun let out a small, fond laugh as he teasingly sucked on Chanyeol’s tongue. It wasn't as much steamy as it was innocent and sweet, not that either one of them minded.  
They pulled apart for air, and Chanyeol untangled Baekhyun’s hands from his neck as Baekhyun tiptoed to give him one more kiss, a brief one.  
Chanyeol was happy, but he knew he shouldn't have kissed Baekhyun when his heart wasn't with him.  
“I should go, that wasn't a good idea on my part. Thank you, though, it was nice,” Chanyeol chuckled quietly, hoping Baekhyun wouldn't notice how hurt he was. And the worst part is that it was his own fault, too.  
“Chanyeol…” Baekhyun tried, but the tall actor just shook his head.  
“No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you,” Chanyeol insisted, looking away from Baekhyun.   
“Chanyeol, I don't regret that. None of that. It was wonderful, and it's done now, we can't change what happened,” Baekhyun spoke with a soft voice that Chanyeol cursed.  
“Baekhyun, you should regret that, you shouldn't go around kissing people you don't have feelings for, so I'm sorry I pressured you to do that,” Chanyeol argued, keeping his voice to a low so Mark wouldn't wake up on the other side of the room.  
“Chanyeol, do you think I would've kissed you if I didn't have even the slightest bit of feelings for you,” Baekhyun whispered, his voice thick with emotion.   
“But we can't be together, because whilst you like me you love him,” Chanyeol finished the sentence for him, and figured he was right from the guilty look on Baekhyun’s face.  
“It's fine, Baekhyun, you can't control who you love,” Chanyeol chuckled, pressing a kiss to Baekhyun’s forehead before leaving.  
Baekhyun let out a strangled cry.


	24. back to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can u believe ur piece of shit author finally updated???

**twenty-three - back to you**

 

**SEVEN MONTHS**

 

He wasn't sure how he'd managed to survive the plane ride, but he did and he wasn't sure whether he was happy about it or not.

 

He was paranoid that something bad would happen (he even swore he saw a flashing light following him all the time), but Sehun didn't give him the benefit of doubt as he kept texting him to just get there already.

 

Baekhyun, if it was up to him, would never put himself through a sixteen hour flight again.

 

It was quite an obvious remark to make that it would happen again, but for the time being he decided to pretend that it wasn't, and instead channeled his energy into hating on planes.

 

It wasn't even that anything went wrong during the flight- quite the opposite actually, as the flight attendants were there to kindly stop him from drinking himself into oblivion. 

 

He was trying to focus on anything and everything else than the Jongin Ordeal, so powering himself through by hating on aircraft seemed to be appropriate.

 

His phone had been tormented by Sehun ever since he'd landed, and he was sure it would never stop as long as the number remained unblocked. Yet he couldn't bring himself to block the big, puppy-like boy. But eventually the torment stopped, and when it did, he was being pulled through the crowd by a man he'd never met before.

 

“What the- get off me!” he demanded, wiggling in the taller man's grip. The man smelled like powdered milk, but Baekhyun decided to ignore the observation as he continued to fight for his freedom. 

 

“Shit, sorry! Didn't mean to manhandle you; totally forgot we haven't formally met. I'm Sehun. Nice to meet you, cutiepie.” Although he did find the introduction adorable, Baekhyun didn't need it, as he recognized the man by his voice. 

 

“You absolute dick, you scared the living shit out ot me!” he exclaimed, attempting to punch Sehun (softly, in a way that wouldn't hurt the poor kid), but the other moved out of the line of fire.

 

“Also, please don't make a habit out of calling me calling me cutiepie, it's atrocious.”

 

“Okay, sweetcheeks,” Sehun winked, making Baekhyun shake his head in dismay.

 

“That's not better in any way, shape or form,” Baekhyun critiqued , civilly making his way through the crowd.

 

“Okay, how do we feel about pumpkin, then?” Sehun questioned, taking a few quick steps to catch up with the shorter.

“We hate it and wish for it to never be used again,” Baekhyun stated, rolling his eyes when he was sure Sehun couldn't see his face.

 

“Sweetheart, then?” the tall man asked, causing Baekhyun to nearly trip.

“If you really know Jongin, you know that's his nickname for me, and you wouldn't say that,” he chose to comment, trying to keep on walking like his heart wasn't shattering to even smaller pieces the closer he got to seeing the man who broke it in the first place. 

 

“No, I know that. Just thought I'd help you get in the right mood to see your darling again,” Sehun said and the smaller of the two wondered how he could talk about it so freely. But he knew the answer; Sehun hadn't had his heart broken by Jongin. He restrained from commenting that feeling sad was hardly a good mood to be in while meeting people.

 

“Sehun, I'm quite terrified. I'm not gonna lie. And hearing you call me sweetheart isn't magically going to erase that. But it does make me laugh, even if it's on the inside, so thank you for making this less painful,” Baekhyun explained, making the tall, soft-looking man nod in response.

 

“Anytime and anything for the both of you,” he stated, a small smile broadcasted on his face. Baekhyun did his best to send a smile back in return.

 

“You do know he loves you, right?”

 

“I did know that before, and I have little reason to believe it now. But I'm clutching to that little reason with all that i have right now. So even if he doesn't love me, I know that he knows that I can't ever not love him,” Baekhyun narrated and Sehun shook his head with a chuckle.

 

“You two are so alike it's scary. And I can assure you he still loves you, even if his actions contradicted with that before,” Sehun told him. Baekhyun opted to simply smile and nod his head. 

 

“Don't we have a car to get in?” he asked after a short while of just standing around.

 

“Are you trying to avoid an entertaining heart-to-heart conversation with yours truly?”  Sehun asked, faking feelings of hurt.

 

“Yes, I thought that was obvious,” Baekhyun remarked, laughing at the way Sehun was looking at him.

 

“Come on then, my aching heart can only take us so far,” Sehun sighed, his slim hand coming to rest on his chest to add to the effect. 

“My heart is shattered; I can't believe you didn't accept my sincere Good Talk-suggestion!” Sehun whined as Baekhyun smacked him gently. 

 

“I'm confident you'll get over it,” he said, a small smile blooming on his face. 

“And until you do, I'll be in the car with my headphones on, catching up on the sleep I've missed in the past few weeks.”

 

“Awh, really? You're gonna leave me all alone with the driver? He's scary, and I'm afraid of him!”

“It'll give your heart time to heal.”

“You’re so cruel.”

 

Later Baekhyun found out that Sehun had been right; the driver was scary. But alas, not because of he looked scary (on the contrary he looked quite adorable), just more so the topics his conversations often drifted to. The man really was nice and Baekhyun was quick to trust him. But he made him think about his life in a deeper manner than he prefered to. 

  
  
  
  


_ The air felt thick as the cold air from the window flew in, enveloping the room in the brisk coolness, one of which he despised. _

 

_ “Hi,” Baekhyun said, looking around the room to avoid looking Jongin in the eye. Even before entering the room, he knew how hard it would be. The room was simply white, with one painting of a lake on the wall opposite where Jongin’s bed was laid. The machined hooked onto him were beeping, the wires dangling with each other all around. He felt ill. _

 

_ “Hello,” Jongin smiled back, as if he wasn't attached to a machine or two for the brief rest of his life. Baekhyun smiled, but it was pained, mixed with actual happiness upon seeing the love of his life again. _

 

_ “I…” he stopped to ponder whether it was a smart idea to let his true emotions be known. He saw no reason not to. _

_ “I’ve missed you,” he said, chuckling softly. Why was it all so painful? Why were they at the point they were?  _

 

_ Jongin smiled, until his face shifted to a flashing image of a skull for a brief second. And then it went back to normal, as if it hadn't happened. _

 

_ “Jongin!” Baekhyun screamed, trying to scramble to his love, but he couldn’t move. Tears ran on his cheeks in hot streams, but he couldn't pay attention to them as Jongin’s face kept shifting.  _

 

_ But even as his face was shifting, Jongin just smiled. _

 

_ “Baekhyun, wake up. I'll see you soon.”  _

  
  
  
  
  


His breath staggered slightly as he woke up. Sehun was next to him, looking at him in confusion. He rose his eyebrow, asking him a silent question of ‘are you okay?’. 

 

Baekhyun nodded, looking out the window to notice they'd stopped at a red light. 

 

“How long do we have left until we're there?” he asked, shifting in his seat to find a better position to sit in. 

 

“About half an hour, I think,” Sehun answered, a nod coming from the driver's seat to confirm the fact.

 

“Oh, that's not too bad,” Baekhyun remarked, but he was lying, more or less. It's not that the trip would've been too agonizing, but he was endlessly nervous to see Jongin. 

 

“Maybe we can play road trip games to pass the remaining time?” Sehun suggested and Baekhyun felt thankful for his existence. 

 

“Okay, what do you have in mind?” Baekhyun asked.

 

“I… actually don't know any American ones, maybe you do?” the younger said sheepishly. Baekhyun rolled his eyes.

 

“Well, I learned a new one a few weeks ago when I was traveling, not sure of the origin. But basically, you say ‘the ship is filled with…’ and then you say things that start with some letter of the alphabet, like ‘M’ and then you go back and forth until you can’t think of words anymore. The word can only be an object or an animal, like a moose.” 

 

“Sounds great let's do it.”

  
  
  
  
  


The game ends in Baekhyun’s bitter defeat as Sehun had managed to know more words than him. But on the contrary, time had passed by quickly and they were at their designation already. 

  
  


Baekhyun leaves his stuff in the taxi, his trust in the driver being big enough to let him take his things to the hotel he was staying at. 

 

He stared at the building rising high in front of him. He gulped; what was he even supposed to say once he got there? 

 

He pushed away his thoughts as Sehun practically pushed him inside the building, dragging him along as he skillfully guided the both of them to the room Jongin was staying in. 

 

The door to his room had a small, painted  snail on it, which made Baekhyun laugh; it was silly. 

 

Sehun shot him an encouraging smile as he gently shoved him inside the room.

  
  


Jongin was asleep when he stepped in, and it made him relieved as well as a tad bit disappointed. 

 

Relieved because the confrontation could be pushed back a bit farther, yet disappointed because he really did miss him.

 

Baekhyun silently walked next to the bed, quietly grabbing a chair to sit in. He pondered if it was acceptable to hold Jongin’s hand. He got so close; his fingers brushing against Jongin’s before he realised he couldn't do that anymore and pulled back. 

 

“You're still just as beautiful,” he whispered, twisting his fingers in his lap. It was true, he wasn't afraid to say it. Jongin was just as beautiful as before, his eyes closed and his dark lashes brushing against his cheeks. Baekhyun didn't think anything could be more beautiful. 

 

It broke him apart to be so close to the man he loved, but not being able to do anything. Not a single kiss, not a single touch. Because Jongin wasn't his anymore and he had to respect that. 

  
  


He smiled, but his expression faltered as Jongin whined in his sleep. So close yet so far away. 

  
  
  
  


Eventually Jongin woke up, and instead of being confused as to why Baekhyun was in his room, he smiled. 

 

“I was wondering when you'd come,” he sighed after they’d exchanged greetings. 

 

“Well, I need to check up on you every once in a while, don't I?” Baekhyun laughed, hoping that the act would make the both of them less nervous. 

 

“Yeah, absolutely,” Jongin grinned, gesturing for Baekhyun to come sit on his bed. He silently complied.

 

“We have to talk,” Baekhyun stated, figuring that getting straight to the point was the wisest thing to do.

 

“Sehun has probably told you everything already…”

“But I want to hear it from you.”

 

So Jongin explained it all. About how he was terrified to die and how he didn't want Baekhyun to miss him and get drawn into his realization of his own existence and how frail it was. And how he loved him so much that he hoped he'd never have to go through something so awful.

 

“I bet you hate me, but I still love you. I love you so much that I'd rather have you live without my problems and with someone else,” Jongin said, a sad chuckle leaving his mouth.

 

Baekhyun shook his head.

 

“No, there's nothing you can do to make me hate you. Because fuck, I still love you. And quite frankly my dear,  I don't give a damn about heartbreak. I fucking love you.”

  
  



	25. the end of an era

**twenty-four - the end of an era**

 

**SEVEN MONTHS**

 

_ “I fucking love you. And that's why I think it's unfair for me to stay with you. I love you, I love what we had, but it would be unfair to stick around when I've already started having feelings for someone else.” _

 

_ “I understand. Thank you for everything, sweetheart.” _

 


	26. la vie en rose

**twenty-five - la vie en rose**

 

**SEVEN MONTHS, ONE WEEK**

  
  


A week later he found himself back at the apartment in New York, packing up the rest of his things. He decided to move on entirely was the best thing to do. 

 

Baekhyun looked at the photoframe laid on top of the dresser that stood alone in the corner. It was a picture of Jongin and him, smiling brightly at the park, hand in hand. A friend of theirs had agreed to take the picture on the condition that they’d stop being so gross. He smiled and placed the photo in a cardboard box.

 

He heard a ring at his door, and he already knew who it was. He’d texted Chanyeol the day before, wanting to make things right between them. He wasn’t sure what that was just yet, but he knew they had to talk. 

 

He went to open the door, his steps heavy as he swung the door open.

 

“Hi, come in,” he greeted, opening the door wider to let Chanyeol in. Chanyeol nodded. He had left Mark in the safe arms of Hakyeon, leaving the two of them alone with each other.

 

“So, what did you need to talk about?” Chanyeol questioned, closing the door behind him as he waltzed into the near-empty apartment. 

 

“Us. And how our… friendship works, I guess,” Baekhyun replied. They stood for a while, a bit awkward in each other’s presence.  

 

“Oh, okay then. I can go first, then. I like the way we’re going now. Or how we were before. I liked being friends and nothing more. That was enough, and that’ll be enough for me. You have Jongin, and you love him, I get that I respect it and I don’t want to get in your way. I just want you to be happy, really. So for me, it’s enough to be just friends. I like being just friends,” the actor stated, smiling shyly. It broke Baekhyun on the inside, his heart hurt at the choice of words, but Chanyeol had every reason to keep a distance if he chose to do so. 

 

He wanted to say so many things. That he wasn’t with Jongi anymore, that he was still very much in love, and it broke him to choose. But he couldn’t deny the feelings bubbling in his stomach. That Chanyeol was surely making his way into his heart. And it scared him. 

 

So instead, he nodded.

 

“Chanyeol, Jongin and I aren’t together anymore,” Baekhyun said, slowly, “and I guess that means that I have no reason to continue the deal anymore. And before you get upset with me, hear me out, okay?” Baekhyun said, hurriedly as he saw Chanyeol’s eyebrows twist. 

 

“I’m just saying that… You’ve managed to make me like you. Jesus, I felt so bad about it for so long. I thought I shouldn’t like you, there were so many things wrong with it… but now… I’m not saying let’s jump into a relationship after I finished a long, serious one just a while ago. All I’m saying is, when I am ready, I don’t want our relationship to be based on a contract,” Baekhyun explained, chuckling nervously.

 

“And I know I don’t deserve this, but please, will you wait for me for a while longer?”

 

A horrible silence came. Chanyeol just looked at him, not a word leaving his mouth, as if he was trying to figure out whether Baekhyun was messing with him or not. 

 

“Baekhyun… I don’t know. What if it doesn’t work out? What if we fall apart and then we’ll hate each other for forever. Or are you just using me as a rebound? Is that it? You’re upset about your break-up with Jongin and you need someone to mend you. But Baekhyun, I refuse to be that someone. I won’t, I can’t. If that’s the case, then it’s better for the both of us if we keep a distance.”

 

He swore he heard his heart shattering in his chest. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. But then again, what was he expecting, exactly? For Chanyeol to kiss him, take him in with open arms and tell him how much he loves him? He might’ve not expected it, but at the very least hoped it. 

 

“Chanyeol, no. You’re not a rebound, I couldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did. Because, Chanyeol, I really do like you, and I’m willing to give it a shot even if that means tearing my heart apart to give it time to think,” Baekhyun ranted, voice coming out breathy as he looked at Chanyeol, his throat suddenly feeling tighter. 

 

“I’m going on a trip of some sort. I’ll be leaving in a few days to go to Europe. I’ll move out and probably eventually move a few states away. I need change in my life, and even though I’ll never stop loving Jongin- as once you really love someone, you never stop. But I felt like we were growing distant, you know? I was constantly traveling to you. Our interactions happened over the phone and the love we had slowly turned into something more platonic. And because I kept living in the belief that the couple we were when we started would come back, I stayed. I stayed because I loved so much. But my love allowed me to see that he had already found someone else.” He chuckled quietly.

 

“They didn’t even tell me, but I know something’s going on with him and Sehun.There’s just something in the way that they look at each other and joke around. I feel bad for Sehun. Jongin is slipping away, and we can’t stop it. But he got these months with Jongin, and damn, he’s lucky. That’s a good man he’s getting, and I have no doubt they’ll make awesome memories I can’t even begin to think of. But I’m happy, because this means he’s happy, and that’s all I want for him.” Baekhyun finished talking, and Chanyeol glanced at him, processing the words he got told.

 

“I’m going to finish packing now, and then we can order take-out if you want? Or you can order now so it’ll arrive when I’m done. Whichever you please,” Baekhyun said after clearing his throat with a cough. Chanyeol nodded, digging out his phone and searching for the menus he knew Baekhyun kept in his kitchen. Baekhyun exited the space, retrieving back into the living room to finish his packing.

 

“Hey, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol called out from the kitchen. “Yeah?” he heard in response. 

 

“I’ll think about it,” the taller yelled, keeping in a smile. 

 

“Okay. So, what do you want to do on your one baby-free night? Movies? Sleep? Or perhaps, board games? I was tricking you with that last one, I already packed all the games away, but I can dig them out again,” Baekhyun questioned, smiling brightly at Chanyeol. Chanyeol shook his head; how did he end up there?

 

“Let’s just watch movies,” he answered, making Baekhyun nod. 

 

“I’ll set up the laptop and you make the couch comfy,” he went on to instruct, disappearing to his suitcase to dig out his laptop.

 

Chanyeol stood in the living room, setting up the pillows and blankets nicely so that it would be comfortable for the both of them to sit on. The doorbell rang. 

 

“I’ll get it!” Chanyeol shouted, walking to the door, wallet in his pocket. 

He swung the door open and was faced with a man he’d never seen before.

 

“Listen carefully here, you son of a bitch. You leave Baekhyun alone, never talk to him again. I have enough evidence to prove your relationship with him is fake.I know the Hollywood peeps buy it- call you the golden couple and what not, but I don’t. I’ll leak the evidence to the press the next time i see you two together. If you have brains you’ll leave him alone. And don’t try to contact him, you fag. I’ll know. My Baekhyun isn’t a faggot like you, so keep your gay hands off him,” the man seethed, tossing Chanyeol a printed copy of their contract. 

 

“How did you get this? Where?” Chanyeol asked, demanding to get answers.

 

“That isn’t important. The only thing that’s important is that you leave him alone until I kill the both of you. Just a phone call can put a bullet through your pretty heads. After tonight you are to have no contact with him ever again. And if I find out you’ve told anyone about what happened I will not hesitate to kill you. I have eyes everywhere, Park. Goodbye.” 

 

The man left, leaving Chanyeol with goosebumps and a million questions, the biggest one being ‘who was that?’.

 

Chanyeol closed the door, arms shaking.

 

“Chanyeol? Did the food come yet?” came Baekhyun’s voice from behind him, and he found himself jumping at the voice. He turned to look at the man, his heart softening as soon as he saw the smaller’s change of attire. 

 

The man was wearing blue pajamas with puppy prints on them. Chanyeol felt incredibly heavy, his heart like a bucket of cement.

 

Instead of answering, Chanyeol rushed to him, burying his face in his neck. He wanted to cry, really. It was like he’d just gotten Baekhyun and now he was being taken away. 

 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Baekhyun asked worriedly. He brought his hand to his hair, stroking the soft brown strands as Chanyeol breathed in his musky scent.

 

“Hon? You okay?” Baekhyun whispered again after a minute had passed, this time receiving a weak shake indicating ‘no’. 

 

“Maybe you should sit down, Yeol,” Baekhyun suggested, moving away a bit to guide them to the couch. Chanyeol panicked and grabbed him tighter, burying his head deeper into Baekhyun.

 

“Oh, what made you so upset? I’m just gonna sit us down, okay, sweetie?” Baekhyun spoke softly, only daring to move once he had received a nod-like movement from the tall actor tied around his torso. 

 

He sat the both of them down, continuing to thread his fingers through the man’s hair.

 

He couldn’t think of much to do to comfort him, so he decided to start singing.

 

_ “Hold me close and hold me fast _

_ The magic spell you cast _

_ This is La Vie En Rose,” _ he sang, rocking softly to the melody and hugging the man tighter.

 

_ “When you kiss me heaven sighs _

_ And though I close my eyes _

_ I see La Vie En Rose.” _

 

Chanyeol nuzzled the side of his neck, sighing deeply and blowing hot air to the side of the smaller’s neck. 

 

_ “When you press me to your heart _

_ I'm in a world apart _

_ A world where roses bloom.” _

 

Right there, in Baekhyun’s warm embrace, Chanyeol felt orange, he felt the raspberries turn in to pink roses, felt his vision turn into looking through rosy hue. He didn’t mind, not at all.

 

_ “And when you speak, angels sing from above _

_ Everyday words seem, to turn into love songs.” _

 

It was nice, to have him so close and feel the two of their heartbeats steadily but nervously beating together.

 

_ “Give your heart and soul to me _

_ And life will always be _

_ La vie en rose.” _

 

He finished singing and felt how much calmer Chanyeol had become.

 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” 

 

Chanyeol shook his head in response, sighing in content as Baekhyun kept stroking his head.

 

“Okay then, I won’t force you.” The doorbell rang again, and this time Baekhyun took the liberty to stand up and go get it. 

 

“Stay here, I’ll be right back,” he stated softly, pressing a kiss onto to Chanyeol’s cheek.

 

He took the food and paid, soon back in the living room with the man who was then huddled in the corner of the couch.

 

“Come on, you need to eat,” Baekhyun said, opening the packs of food, taking advantage of the utensils and probing into Chanyeol’s mouth with a mouthful of pasta.

 

Chanyeol chuckled, a piece of spaghetti hanging out of his mouth, looking out of place. Baekhyun laughed, fighting the urge to kiss away the pasta sauce smeared on the man’s cheek. 

 

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol said once his mouth was free of pasta, “I don’t want to lose you.” 

 

Both of their hearts were beating.

 

“And I want to try, I really do. I… I really like you, Baekhyun,” he confessed, looking at his feet in the lack of a better distraction.

 

“Eat your food,” Baekhyun smiled, shoving a piece of garlic bread into his mouth. 

 

“You don’t have to say you like me back, just… please be with me until dawn. Give me this one night, I beg of you,” Chanyeol continued, swirling his fork in the coldening pasta.

 

Baekhyun, not comprehending the words completely, only nodded. 

“Of course. Now, which movie should we watch?” 

  
  


They ended up watching The Fox and the Hound. It was a nice thing to do, to lay on the couch cuddled up together before his laptop. Chanyeol couldn’t help but feel distracted, he didn’t care about the movie at all. He just felt the man in his arms and embraced the feeling. 

 

It was a moment of bittersweetness; getting what you want but only for a while. Perhaps he should’ve left the moment the man came to the door. Maybe that way Baekhyun could’ve been safe for longer. He didn’t know, but as Baekhyun chuckled quietly in his arms, he didn’t care. A smile made its way onto his face, briefly. 

 

“That was fun, what now?” Baekhyun asked, yawning after he did. 

“You sound tired, maybe we should sleep?” Chanyeol suggested, silently hoping his suggestion would get shot down, and instead they’d do something else.

 

“Nah, we’re not grandpas yet, dear Chanyeol, so I suggest we go out and have fun like the young kids we are!” Baekhyun exclaimed, a devilish smile on his face. Chanyeol’s heart felt heavy. It felt like a singular drop of water falling down to the bottom of the cave, like a heavy burgundy and snow inside a sweater and melting on your skin.

 

“Maybe we should just stay here? I mean we can have fun with just the two of us, why go out?” he chuckled nervously. Would Baekhyun detect he wasn’t alright? 

 

If he did, he didn’t voice his thoughts as he nodded. “You’re right, we don’t need outside impact to have fun,” he commented, smiling a little.

 

“If you don’t mind I’d really like to stay like this for just a bit longer,” Chanyeol whispered, but he knew Baekhyun heard, because he shut the laptop, turned around and nuzzled his face into Chanyeol’s chest. His heart was speeding fast into orange and the haze of kisses to be shared in the early hours of the morning. And he didn’t mind at all. 

  
  
  


Chanyeol was proud of himself for not falling asleep even if he really wanted to. He was also glad Baekhyun stayed up to talk about nonsense with him. He felt giddy and warm as he wrapped his arms tight around the smaller man.

 

It really felt like he had it all. He knew it was temporary, and feeling like he could have it would only make him insane in the long run. But he didn’t care. He didn’t have it in himself to care when a perfect angel was snuggled up in his arms. 

 

“Baekhyun, do you think we’ll be friends after the contract ends?” Chanyeol questioned, and he didn’t even have to look to know Baekhyun was frowning. He was going to miss that frown. Oh god, he found it immensely adorable. If he could, he’d take a snapshot of it with his eyes and store the picture in his brain to remember it for forever.

 

“I thought you said we’d try to be something more?”  Something about the tone of his voice really broke Chanyeol’s heart. The way he sounded so fragile, so betrayed as he spoke the words. 

 

“I know that… but on the odd chance that we can’t… Please, just tell me. Do you think it’s possible?” he asked, and he knew he should’ve been quiet. Maybe that way they could’ve just have had a nice night with the brightest memory being the beautiful moment of comfort they shared. But he had to know. The thoughts in his head, they drove him insane and he hated it, he absolutely did.

 

But the reason he was asking wasn’t annoyance, he knew that but he preferred to call it that. Because then he wouldn’t seem like a loser, who was afraid of his own feelings.

 

“I mean, I guess we could be friends, couldn’t we? But I think it might be a bit uncomfortable and maybe tormenting to be close with someone who you want so much more with. And whilst we could be friends, it would tear me apart. Because you won, and I chose this, and I liked you and if you were gone like that, I couldn’t move on.” 

  
  


“What if… we never saw each other again? What if we never could contact each other? How would that work?” he asked, testing the waters for a bit more.

 

“Why are you asking me this? It won’t happen, so stop it and hug me tighter, you coward!”

 

Chanyeol laughed, gathering up the courage to do as he wanted and grabbed Baekhyun’s cheeks and kissed him for what he knew could be the last time. His heart cracked when he felt Baekhyun smile against his lips, laughing a little.

 

“This is so weird, but I don’t hate it,” he whispered, speaking in between kisses. 

“Chanyeol, I’m sorry for being a jerk before. I know I insulted you and hurt you in the past. But believe me when I say I do care about you.”

 

“Thank you for being with me, even if it was just for a night,” Chanyeol smiled, kissing Baekhyun’s cheek and hugging him tightly, as if he didn’t want to let go. He took off the green hoodie he was wearing, leaving on the t-shirt he ha been wearing underneath. 

 

“Wear this when you miss me. I love you,” he whispered, not leaving any room for an answer before getting up and stealing one last kiss. 

  
  
  
  
  


“Are you absolutely sure about this? You want to terminate the contract without even speaking to him first?” asked Hakyeon over the phone. 

 

“Yes, I’m sure just make it fast, I wish to never see that idiot ever again. Dear God, I hate him so much, Hakyeon, you have no idea,” Chanyeol sneered into the phone outside Baekhyun’s door.

 

“Terminate the contract, we’ll find someone way better. He’s absolutely awful, you know that. Just text him or something, I’m sure he wants out too so he can freely go suck as many dicks as he wants,” he spat, disgust laced in his tone.

 

“Chanyeol, stop! I’m not terminating the contract. And stop speaking like that, especially about Baekhyun, why would you say that?” Hakyeon yelled out, a whole new tone of desperation in his voice, one that he hadn’t heard before and one that hurt him the most.

 

_ To protect him. _

 

“Fine, don’t terminate the contract. But I never wanna see him again.”

 

The call ended and he turned around to see Baekhyun watching him with tears rolling down his cheeks, and he wanted nothing more than to wipe them away. But he didn’t, as he looked at him blankly and turned around, walking away. 

 

_ I’m so sorry. I’ll be back, I need to sort this out. _

  
  
  
  


He opened the door to his own apartment and hated how he could only think of Baekhyun. The sun was rising in a pink hue, and he smiled at the keychain on his coffee table. 

 

He glanced at the orange envelope laid daringly on the corner of his dresser. He closed his eyes, figuring it was time to face it after six years of waiting.

  
  
  


_ To my Chip _

 

_ You’re reading this because I’m no longer around to bother you about your poor choices on muffins. (Seriously, babe, it’s BLUEBERRY!!) _

 

_ But worry no more! Because even if I’m not around to kiss you and hug you right now, know I did enjoy our limited time together. Very much so. _

 

_ Knowing you, it took you like 10 thousand years to even open this, but that’s fine I’m glad you take your time.. _

 

_ So know that moving on is okay, and I’m glad you did, and if you didn’t you’re a fucking idiot. I love you, but please be happy.  _

 

_ I miss you, or I would if I still had a consciousness.. Haha.. although who knows what the afterlife is like? If I figure it out I’ll update you, lol.  _

 

_ But hey, don’t cry Chip, you’re way too pretty to cry, baby! You’re the prettiest and most handsome of them all, don’t ever forget that!  _

 

_ I hope you’ll become all rich and famous, but above all, loved. I hope everyone can see how special you are, like I did. I hope everyone can see the light in your eyes. Or maybe I want that for my eyes only…  _

 

_ No but seriously, I love you so much!  _

 

_ Yours forever, Minseok the Great _


	27. fool

**twenty -six - fool**

 

**SEVEN MONTHS, TWO WEEKS**

 

He truly felt like an idiot. And on top of feeling like a total moron, he felt horrible about the words he'd said to Baekhyun, even if he didn't mean them and they weren’t directed at him. Because Baekhyun didn't know that- how could he? 

 

He couldn't sleep, because every time he closed his eyes he saw Baekhyun's teary eyes looking back at him. And the guilt was overpowering. He hated it, hated how he felt like the villain when he was only trying to be the hero. Perhaps hero was a thought too conceited, but he wanted to save Baekhyun from the hurt that would happen if he didn't leave him alone. 

 

So he kept telling himself that it would be over soon and once he'd explain everything to Baekhyun they could take a real shot at their relationship.

 

But after all that he was told to do, how he was told to leave him alone, he couldn't. He held onto the bittersweet moments he could only think fondly of, the memory of warmth as they were cuddled up on Baekhyun's couch.

 

It should be noted that he really wanted to tell everything to Baekhyun to ease the pain he might've been feeling. 

 

So he did it the only way he knew how. He wrote a song, letting the music nerd side of him take over. 

 

He listened to the recorded, finished piece, feeling pleased with himself before releasing a clip on his instagram. He hoped Baekhyun would see it and know it was meant only for him. 

  
  


_ Please, wait for me. Just for a while. _

 

He wanted to track the stranger down, make him back off or at the very least get an explanation out of him. Ask him a simple question of why. Why he did what he did, why he felt the need to do it, why it hurt so much.

 

But he couldn’t, because it appeared as if the man had disappeared into thin air. His head was a mess he couldn’t seem to do anything about. 

He missed Baekhyun. It was funny to him, how he couldn’t go a week without his presence. How every second of every day, he spent away from the place he truly wanted to be at. He wished to be with Baekhyun, to take the shot as soon as the other was ready. But instead he trusted a stranger’s promise of destruction, a speech that could be proven to be a lie. But his want to shield Baekhyun from hurt that he could’ve possibly inflicted was too great. So he did what he felt he needed to, even if it meant hurting them both.

 

He allowed himself the belief of Baekhyun’s sincere feelings, allowed himself to trust that his feelings were true. He didn’t think he had any other choice if he wanted a future that included him. 

 

He wasn’t going to give up. He knew that, he believed it with his whole heart. He had given up so many things before, and he could sense something was different about the occasion.  Maybe it was his heart telling him to do something, or his brain telling him not to be a total imbecil. 

 

The truth is, he didn’t know where to start looking. What was he looking for, exactly? A middle-aged man in New York, how easy is that to find, right? 

 

Baekhyun was something else. His button nose, his adorable smile and inviting eyes made him unable to look away.  His heart felt warm whenever he thought of the man, and his face seemed to light up in a smile. He felt warm inside, and he knew no-one on earth could make him feel like that.

 

So he wrote a careful message as his caption, one that he believed only Baekhyun could understand.

  
  
  
  


_ I’ll hurry back to you. Those words aren’t mine. Trust me.  _

  
  
  
  


Chanyeol groaned as a flash lit up the side of his head. Why was this his life?

Why couldn’t he be like every other person, why did he have to so different?

 

When in reality he wasn’t different at all. He was human. He cried, he laughed, he got sad, mad and happy. He lived his life like most people did, he tried to focus on making the best out of the life he was given.  And most times, he liked his life. Sometimes he even dared to love it, love a moment in the midst of insanity. Allowed to love briefly before shielding himself away again. Because why should he open himself up for further hurt? 

 

He didn’t want to hurt, no one does, not usually anyway. He wasn’t an exception. He just wanted to live his life with love, with all things positive. 

 

But as he looked at the forever broken window of his apartment, he realized he’d never live his life unhurt. 

  
  
  
  
  


   Baekhyun felt like a ghost. He was nearly convinced that he was one, had he not felt the hand hitting him awake. 

 

“Baekhyun? Get up, we should get some breakfast right about now,” he heard a voice call out to him, but he didn’t have the energy to properly respond. Instead he groaned and mumbled something along the lines of ‘don’t want to’.

 

“Too bad, because we gotta so we don’t turn into skeletons and cry because we’re hungry,” the man stated, nudging him by his shoulder. Baekhyun resisted the urge to comment that he  would cry whether he was hungry or not.

 

“Is there a reason for me to eat?” he grumbled, letting out a weak laugh into his pillow. 

 

“Did I not just say that you can’t die?” the speaker commented, rubbing Baekhyun’s back soothingly.

 

“No, you said we can’t turn into skeletons and die,” Baekhyun retorted, turning around so he saw the man’s face. 

 

“Great observation skills, you are correct, I did say that. So move your ass so we can eat. Maybe like cream puffs? I like cream puffs, cream puffs are good,” the other man said, his hand laid uncomfortably underneath Baekhyun.

 

“Rasmus, you’re great, but cream puffs? For breakfast? I love you,” Baekhyun yelled weakly, a slight smile tugging on the corner of his lips. 

 

“Don’t you dare smile! Come on, come on,” Ramus laughed, poking the sleepy man’s sides. Baekhyun giggled quietly, a soft smile coming to rest at his lips.

 

And then he remembered the reason for his visit, his mood dampening immediately.

 

“What’s wrong, buddy? I never asked, I figured you were tired from your flight,” Rasmus questioned, gesturing for Baekhyun to sit up.

 

“I… It’s a long story,” Baekhyun sighed, running his fatigued hands through his hair.

“I have all the time in the world,” Rasmus assured, shooting the puffy-looking boy an encouraging smile.

 

“Well, to start off, I was in a long relationship whilst being in a faked relationship with Chanyeol. My… previous partner was the reason why I even agreed to the whole thing in the first place. And I guess we just kind of fell through. We fought through so many things and this time we just… gave up. So then I decided to  give Chanyeol a chance- in time of course, because I really liked him and I wanted to sort myself out before I jumped into another relationship. But it turns out he really just hated me and wanted to see me cry,” Baekhyun explained, laughing like he’d known all along. He felt thorns growing in his longs.

 

“Baekhyun…” Rasmus mumbled, hugging the teary-eyed man softly, “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s funny. I promised Jongin I wouldn’t fall in love with Chanyeol. And I guess it’s time I keep that promise. I can’t torture myself like this. So I’ll call off the deal. Let him find someone who he loves and who loves him back. Because I’m so awful that I couldn’t even do that. I couldn’t love him, fuck, I couldn’t even acknowledge that I liked him because I felt so guilty. I was so awful and bitchy and… unworthy of his love. But now that I know he didn’t actually like me either, I think it’ll be easier to keep my promise,” he spoke, feeling his nose running with ugly snot powered by the tears rising to his eyes. 

 

“Baekhyun, I’m so sorry. You don’t… No one deserves that, no matter how badly they might think they acted. I know you’re hurt, so just give it time, and maybe you can work things out,” Rasmus assured, smiling brightly at the crying Baekhyun, wiping away the wetness of his tears away with his thumbs. 

 

“It won’t change. The way he looked at me after he spoke those horrible words… he didn’t regret it all, Rasmus. He just stared at me like I was some ugly street rat that stole his food. He really looked like he hated me. And i’m sure he does hate me, why wouldn’t he? His life was perfect before I waltzed in. Why do I always ruin anything, why can’t anyone ever help me? Can’t they see I’m dying just trying to be me. I wish someone noticed, I wish they heard how I cry. Because fuck, I’m so sick of always getting hurt in the end. And I just want to be in a reality where life worked out for me,” Baekhyun babbled, his eyes continuing to boil with hot tears. 

 

“Can I tell you a story? Once upon a time there was a-” Baekhyun cut him off “You better not tell me the story of Cinderella or so help me God-”

“I’m not gonna tell you the story of Cinderella, calm down. As I was saying, once upon a time there was a little girl. She used to wear a lot of pink, a lot dresses and an unholy amount of accessories. She never quite liked it, she just wanted to please her mother. So she put on the clothes her mother picked out for her, let her braid her hair and listened when she told her not to use the toys that boys used. So she didn’t. But every time they went to the clothing shop, her eyes would wander to the boys’ section. Her heart yearned to go there, to wear the clothes she knew she was meant to wear. And when she asked to get the clothes, her mother wouldn’t budge. Because it was the boys’ section, not the girls’ one!

 

  Anyway, she grew up a little. And she refused to wear dresses. When she was twelve she started thinking about her identity more. She was so lost, and so scared. When she was fourteen she got her hair and a few months later he realized who he really was. Deep down he always kind of knew.  But he was so scared, because even if he didn’t want to, he found the word ‘transgender’ big, scary and weird. But he did his research, and changed his name to a better one; one that suited him the most. His mother didn’t accept him when he told her. He sat in the car that night with his mother, driving home from a theater show and told her that he wasn’t a girl. And the words she said to him were ‘It’s just a phase, you don’t know that. You’re just a little girl’. And he was heartbroken. He cried a lot that night. His family refused to call him by his name, so they used the one they gave him. 

 

But eventually he was able to move out, cut ties with his family. He got a job, made himself enough money to go on t and undergo top surgery. He saved up for it for years and when the day came he had never been so happy in his life. He could finally be himself, and people started to look at him in the way he’d always known he was. The end.” Rasmus finished his talk, a wavering smile on his face. Baekhyun knew he was nervous; the shakiness of his hands said it all. 

 

“Rasmus… that little girl… was it you?” Baekhyun whispered, looking his friend in the eye.

 

“I suppose I should’ve used the word boy, as, you know, I’ve always been one, my body just didn’t quite get the memo,” he chuckled, nervously tugging at the sheets under him. 

 

“I would’ve never guessed,” Baekhyun whispered, looking at Rasmus with wonder.

 

“Shut your mouth, you might catch flies. Also, I hope you know that isn’t a compliment. And make sure you don’t change the way you think about me, asswipe. The reason I told you all of this is because I want you to realize that things change over time. If I can live as my true self then you can make that alternative universe exist in this one.”

 

Baekhyun smiled, and for the first time that week it wasn’t weak or weary. 


	28. it's for the best

**chapter twenty-seven - it’s for the best**

  
  
  


One phone call was more than enough to leave him incredibly miserable. But admittedly, it was his own fault before it was anyone else’s. He still couldn’t quite believe what he had done. Or why it was easy in a way, and how it made him feel better. 

 

But it hurt way more than he thought it would. And he figured out-quite quickly- that he was a walking contradiction. 

 

Chanyeol sighed, knowing there was nothing he could do to get Baekhyun back. He kept telling himself that it was for the best, that this was the only way to protect Baekhyun. But he knew he was only hurting him further. And it was proving itself to be quite the bitter pill to swallow.

 

Emptiness seemed to live inside him constantly. He missed Baekhyun dearly, and admitting that only made the yearning worse. 

 

He wanted to laugh at how dumb the situation was. How Baekhyun had him wrapped around his gorgeous fingers with no way of releasing him from his grasp. How he was willing to do anything to protect the other man, even if that meant watching him in the distance and losing him as each day passed and the pain got better, was beyond him.

 

A pigeon landed on the railing of his balcony. It looked at him almost mockingly, as if to say he did the wrong thing after all. Except Chanyeol knew he was doing the right thing. He knew it, that deep down he had to let go. He had to slip away, had to disappear from Baekhyun’s life.

 

He knew for sure that Baekhyun hated him, it was inevitable. But he knew that he had to put distance between them so that Baekhyun wouldn’t keep getting hurt because of mistakes that he made. He really liked him, which is why he thought it would be better if he suffered a little instead of suffering every day because of him. 

 

Maybe that was bad- to choose a big amount of pain for a small amount of time instead of small doses to be given during the years. 

 

But he couldn’t stand the thought of them waking up one day, looking at each other and knowing it wasn’t worth it to try and work it out. He couldn’t bear the thought of falling out of love after working so hard. They’d always end up hurt in the end. So why was doing the right thing giving him so much second thoughts?

 

And he didn’t give a damn about whether he got hurt or not, but Baekhyun being hurt was something he wouldn’t let himself be responsible of. So he decided to start living by the saying of ‘if you love something, let it go’.

 

_ So this is me, letting you go. Once and for all. _

  
  


He wasn’t taking it very well. He knew he should’ve posted a statement on their break-up, insisting that they ended up on good terms instead of bad ones, that they still remained friends. But a part of him believed that if he didn’t make a post about it, it wouldn’t be true. And he would still get to hold Baekhyun one day, love him like he’d wanted to for so long.

 

Yet he knew he never could. Gone were the days when he could just hug the boy randomly. It hadn’t even lasted that long, so why did a few months’ worth of hugs drive him mad? It hurt to think about never going back to normal again. Even if they managed to stay friends after the mess he had been put into, the dynamics of their relationship would be severely different. 

 

He wasn’t being himself, but that was fair, considering he still had no idea who he even was. 

 

He missed him so much. And the only thing tying him to him was gone. And he had never been more frustrated. 

  
  


He always considered himself to be a nice guy. And he worked hard to be one, and to be a better person in general. And as much as he tried to be a different person, he knew he couldn’t live as someone who was always happy. It just didn’t work that way for him, not that it did for anyone else either. 

 

Crying wasn’t something he wanted to do; he thought he shouldn’t cry when it was his decision to cut all ties. But it didn’t matter what he told himself, or how much he kept telling it to himself. Because at the end of the day there was no winner when it came to ending something you once enjoyed. 

 

And he hoped Baekhyun would forget about him quickly. He didn’t deserve his time, or his thoughts.

  
  
  
  
  


 A week after terminating the contract he almost broke and called Baekhyun. He was so close, his fingers hovering over the ‘call’ button as his heart raced in his chest. He wanted to hear his voice, wanted to hear Baekhyun giggle and call him an idiot, or yell at him for being an idiot, or at least whisper a ‘go away’ so he’d know he was okay. 

 

But the simple memory of the man threatening to put a bullet through their heads was enough to stop him.

  
  


He hoped, from the bottom of his heart, that the other was doing much better at getting over him, because he was failing miserably.

  
  
  


He made the mistake of going through his photogallery one day and seeing the slim variety of pictures they took together, added onto the miraculously tiny amount of pictures Chanyeol had taken of him. 

 

As he was longingly staring at the picture he had sneaked of Baekhyun a fair month back, his phone buzzed as it indicated of a message.

  
  


**Hakyeon**

 

You really thought I wouldn’t find out?


	29. life beyond you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a re-up, as the end of this chapter didn't show in the last update lol, but I had to add it because it's an important part of the plot

**chapter twenty-eight - life beyond you**

 

 

Baekhyun particularly remembered one conversation he had with Chanyeol before they parted ways. They spoke about makeup and what it was like to get it done by someone.

"I can only remember you wearing makeup like twice and the other time was for a photoshoot," Chanyeol had said, not even accusingly, just more so in a curious way.

"I guess I just don't have time for it. I think it's an awesome form of art, definitely. But I personally don't enjoy doing it enough to sacrifice too much time to it. It was nice to experiment once or twice, but it's definitely not something that I could do every day," Baekhyun had hummed, smiling idly into Chanyeol's chest.

"Yeah, same for me, I guess. Besides now I can let you lay your head on my t-shirt without being worried you'll leave a trace of foundation behind," Chanyeol commented, making the other only nod in silent agreement.

"I think you'd rock some peachy pink blush though," Baekhyun remarked, and when all he heard was silence, he knew Chanyeol was considering it.

"One day, I'll put some on, you just wait and see, I'll look good as hell," Chanyeol had said fondly and Baekhyun had told him he'd look forward to that day.

He still did.

It's not that he didn't like writing, it was that it had started to slowly seem like writing didn't like him. Everytime he did a much as opened up his computer with the purpose of punching down a few words, it was as if an invisible force made him watch videos of adorable animals instead. It was a vicious cycle that kept repeating. He secretly didn't mind, but his productivity had taken a major blow and it needed fixing. This was when Chanyeol had been around to distract him, maybe even before that. He'd felt more stuck than ever before, and it didn't help that his insecurities were trying to make sure that not a single word he wrote was good enough.

So, before he'd pitifully gotten his heart broken (or to put it more accurately but not as subtly, shattered) on a few occasions and painfully tossed around, he'd been suffering from excruciating writer's block. But as he was wallowing in self-pity and a few dozen bags of chips his creativity seemed to be running like a wild deer And sitting on the balcony of Rasmus' (amazingly sumptuous) apartment, sipping on an Americano as he looked at the busy streets of Stockholm, he felt inspiration flow from him more rapidly than it ever had before. He enjoyed writing, he really did. Writing allowed him to not think so deeply of his own life and instead invest himself in someone else's, solving problems for fictional characters that could only begin to represent the painful emotional troubles silly humans went through. Recently he had been writing stuff more on the sadder side of things, his latest drafts being full of misery and pretentious descriptions of pain. But he enjoyed his job, even if he wasn't getting paid to do it. His paychecks from the past half a year were more than enough for him to sustain himself. One other reason he enjoyed writing so much was because by writing out a sentence in your own words and seeing it in your own way, someone will read that sentence and see it in theirs, and that thoroughly excited him. How he could describe a blue beanie and have people think of so many different variations of patterns and sizes was absolutely thrilling. It made him bubbly, and for a while he forgot about his own problems as he punched the letters into the draft he'd been working on. He was glad to have an enjoyable and harmless escape.

Writing truly was incredibly special to him. He enjoyed the feeling of freedom it gave him. It gave him the permission to write whatever he pleased, phrase it in whatever way he wanted to and no-one could question him, simply because it was his world and in his world anything was possible. Yes, his own little world that he loved so much. His world where roses bloomed in indigo and the sun rose in green. He loved the world he'd created, even if it gave him headaches sometimes. He figured living in the consistency of inconsistent things made life more interesting, and he liked that before, yet now when the inconsistent ways of the world were tossing him around, he felt helpless. He escaped to the celadon sunsets of the world he'd never be a part of through anything more than his words with the hope that he could reforget everything he had ever been. He wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to go at the troubles thrown his way, so he simply opted to ignore them the best he could. But when the odd occurrence happened that he wasn't write or did experience writer's block, he was a major mess  that he was in all honesty ashamed of. Rasmus said he didn't judge, but Baekhyun knew he should get himself together. How on earth would he ever be fine if he spent every hour crying after people who didn't care for him anymore?

He was a mess of tears and longing. He hoped Chanyeol was happy without him. He knew he never deserved Chanyeol, but the ugly selfish part in him would've loved nothing more than just a tiny bit more time to have one more kiss, one more embrace and one more sweet whisper. He'd do whatever he could to even get a spared glance his way, to get acknowledged and to sigh dreamily in his direction. He'd be over the moon if he could simply open his eyes and see him one last time. But he couldn't have any of that and his heart was missing pieces everywhere. But Rasmus was determined to fix him.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

"Hey! Rasmus can you proofread my chapter so far?" Baekhyun yelled out, grasping and adjusting his laptop before passing it to a suspicious looking Rasmus, who had only just come home from work.

"You came out here eight hours ago and you're telling me you're done already? I call bullshit. Not to even mention English isn't my first language and me proofreading your chapter wouldn't be very beneficial for you," Rasmus chuckled, deciding to ruffle Baekhyun's already pre-messed up hair. His hair looked like a bird's nest, but he didn't mind as he thought it was quite adorable. Baekhyun's nose was red due to the breezy weather he'd been sitting out in all day, dark circles teasing the skin under his eyes. His skin was paler than usual, and it upset the other. Even when looking and being a bit sick, Baekhyun managed to brush it off like it didn't matter. It made Rasmus sad, because he knew his words couldn't change anything or help him at all. He bit back a frown.

"First of all, I only said my chapter  _so far,_ which indicates that I'm not done yet. Second of all, I know for a fact you aced every single one of your English classes from fourth grade up to college, you told me this yourself and your mother confirmed it to me on FaceTime too," Baekhyun stated smugly, grazing his still nimble fingers on the mousepad to keep the screen from turning off.

"Fine, you got me, I'll read your chapter  _so far_. But you better get some rest or at least eat something. You've been out here all day, you need nutrition,"Rasmus spoke, shaking his head at Baekhyun, who was still dressed in his morning robe. Baekhyun grinned, nodding. He had grown to love the man like a real brother. He felt so thankful to have met someone that dealt with his shit.

"Thank you, Rasmus." They both knew he meant the statement as a deeper form of gratitude than expressing his gratefulness for reading his chapter or urging him to eat. Neither one of them mentioned it. Both of them were grateful for it.

"You're welcome, Baekhyun. There's pasta in the fridge, go eat. And why were you ever FaceTiming my mother?" Rasmus snorted, looking at Baekhyun fondly nonetheless.

"Because I needed the recipe for that Good Pasta from her and we ended up talking for a while. Her accent is adorable, a bit thicker than yours," Baekhyun commented, noting the look on Rasmus' unimpressed face.

"I don't have an accent," Rasmus mumbled, moving inside to finally read Baekhyun's chapter with a teasing frown on his face. Baekhyun smiled. Cute.

He waddled his way to the kitchen, opening the fridge to take out the homemade pasta. His stomach grumbled and he figured his timing was perfect.

Baekhyun was napping on the couch when Rasmus came to shake him awake with the most gentle touch Baekhyun thought he'd ever felt.

"Baek? I came to wake you to tell you how I liked the chapter. Hope you're not too cranky because of your slumber," he said, sitting next to Baekhyun while setting the computer on the coffee table. Baekhyun noted that the coffee table held an empty cup too. Had Rasmus been reading next to him the whole time?

"I liked it. For the most part. I love what you did with the description of the fairy lights, it was magical and really made me feel like I was in the story, experiencing everything myself. The only thing that bothered me was the phrase 'He was simply a cactus that fell in love with a balloon.' And not because it was written badly, but it really made me realize what you're going through, and Baekhyun I'm here for you, you know that, right?"

Baekhyun thought about it. It was true, he was quite torn apart, felt like a cactus falling in love with a balloon, but for the most part he managed to distract himself from the pain he felt. But when he couldn't the pain was way too much to handle. It was tearing him apart whether he admitted it or not. Life beyond Chanyeol was something he didn't quite enjoy.

"I know. I just... miss him. Actually, I miss both of them. I'm content with being friends with Jongin and I'll always love him and remember the awesome times we had. But Chanyeol... I was getting there. I liked him so much I was afraid I was gonna fall soon. And when he embraced me like that- like he didn't want to let go, and kissed me so tenderly I thought that maybe he felt the same and maybe he had been authentic all along and we were done with the acting. I felt awful for liking him while I was committed to someone else. So I tried to make him hate me. I figured that by yelling at him and giving him reasons to hate me- acting like a drama queen and being awful all the time I could make him detest me enough to protect him. I guess he saw through me, then and didn't care about the spikes that would pop him. But turns out I was wrong. And even now that I know he hates me... I can't help but still have these feelings. He can't just make his way into my heart and then break it. I could've loved him, I know I could've. I guess we didn't want the same things. At least now I know that he never stopped acting."

Baekhyun frowned at the memory of Chanyeol's disgusted voice, the look of no remorse on his face as he saw him there, absolutely broken. He looked so cruel and so unregretful. Just the thought of the memory formed a lump in his throat. It broke him so subtly to look at Chanyeol and get hit with the realization that he didn't care anymore- perhaps he never did.

"Baekhyun, has it ever occured to you that maybe he didn't mean it?" Rasmus tried gently, clearly testing the waters to see how upset Baekhyun was and if he could talk about the subject or not.

"I mean, of course it crossed my mind, but then I remembered the look in his eyes. He just didn't look like he cared at all. And even if he didn't mean it, there's still no logical explanation as to why he'd say that," Baekhyun spoke quietly, and it clenched Rasmus' heart.

"Baekhyun, I know it hurts now, but in time it'll get better. I don't know how long it'll take, but I'm living proof that things get better. I really care for you, so don't torment yourself like this. Tomorrow we're gonna have a fun day together, alright? And then we'll be one day, or minute closer to feeling better," Rasmus grinned, already knowing what strings to pull to get Baekhyun smiling. And he did.

"Okay," he replied, hesitating for a moment before lunging himself into the warm embrace of his friend.

"I know you don't like hugging and I'm sorry, but I really need this right now," Baekhyun whispered, snuggling into the other man's hold. He smelled like laundry detergent and musky deodorant,with a whisk of something like vanilla. He liked the scent very much, as it was one of those scents that made you feel at home at places you didn't know at all.

"If it's for you, I can deal. You're a nice one to hug, Baek. I don't mind. Hug me all you want."

And perhaps it was the moment they were set in or the slightest bit of pity that made him say that, but Baekhyun was glad he did, as he fell asleep squeezing his torso with a smile adorning his face. A brief thought entered his mind. How much easier it would've been if he'd met Rasmus four years prior. Maybe they would've ended up liking and loving each other and he'd have his fairytale love story ending. It would've been so much different, coming home and waking up to Rasmus. He was quite sure that they'd get along, actually. Their personalities were similar enough for them to get along, yet different enough for them to enjoy each other's company more. All the heartbreak he could've avoided with a single trip, it made him wonder whether there was a universe for them. But he didn't mind the thought, not at all. But he knew his heart, in this reality, was with someone else.

He hadn't slept that well in a while.

True to his word, Rasmus took Baekhyun out the next day, insisting that he needed sunlight and something else to eat than his mother's cooking.

"There's a café not that far away from here, let's grab breakfast from there and then proceed to figure out what it is that we want to do," Rasmus explained to the still tired Baekhyun who only nodded slowly. He looked more or less like a mess, but Rasmus had convinced him that no one gave a fuck about what he looked like. He didn't know if he was speaking the truth or just saying it so that they could get going, but his words resulted in Baekhyun leaving in his pyjamas, only changing his pants to more appropriate ones before fleeing out the door in hopes of getting some food into his system.

Once there, Rasmus took the liberty of ordering for the both of them (of course after questioning what the other wanted) as Baekhyun wasn't quite the expert in Swedish. Yet. Maybe he could be trained. Baekhyun had laughed, joking that the only word he knew in Swedish was Ikea.

"Technically speaking, IKEA isn't a word, it's an abbreviation for Ingvar Kamprad Elmtaryd Agunnaryd," Rasmus stated, looking at the baffled Baekhyun sitting next to him.

"How the hell do you even remember that? That's like super long," Baekhyun teased (or complained, maybe out of pure impressment, maybe because he was staring to get really hungry).

"I had time on my hands when I was moving here, particularly during the ship ride so I abused the ship wifi by doing some sort of deep diving on Google,"the other man shrugged, gesturing around as if that would've made his point clearer.

Soon enough they were sipping on some nice hot coffee that proved to be an awful choice in the sudden heat that neither one of them would've expected.

"So, what are we going to do today on this friend-date of ours?" Rasmus inquired, wiping away breadcrumbs from the corners of his lips. He had been boring and ordered a cheese sandwich, but something about the taste was just good to him, as he tried explaining to Baekhyun. ("I don't really eat that much but when I do it won't be any sandwich, you know? I have standards. That and I don't like meat.")

"We could go see a movie?"Baekhyun suggested, earning an odd look from Rasmus.

"I don't remember if there's any foreign- as in English- movies being shown in the theatres, but there has to be, so we can search that up once we're done eating. Anything in mind besides that?" It was sweet, how he really didn't put himself before Baekhyun, always making sure it was all about his guest instead. Baekhyun wasn't sure he deserved it.

"Maybe we can do something you like? What do you like doing in the city?" Baekhyun asked, hiding shyly behind his cup of coffee as he peered at Rasmus, as if he was afraid that he'd laugh at him. Which he did, but in the nicest way possible.

"Well, I like going to the trainstation to draw. Sometimes I'll even get on the train and continue to find new places in the nearest towns too. But only when I have too much time to kill. I also love going to bookstores, and perhaps that's something more enjoyable for you too, so maybe we could visit one of those. But we can also do something else, if you'd like!" Rasmus spoke softly, making sure every word pronounced to perfection. Baekhyun pointed it out, simply being curious and extremely impressed. He was an English speaker and even he didn't sound that articulate.

"Well, I think speaking so articulate has helped me improve in English a lot, not that I was that bad at it to begin with. But saying words wrong- especially in the industry of films- started to terrify me. I was feared people would mock me for my odd accent, even if it wasn't strong and only appeared occasionally. People can be cruel. Or then they'd start making everything about my accent, saying it's cute. When all I'm trying to do is communicate. It's the same with Swedish- I'm not from here either, don't know if you could tell." (Baekhyun couldn't, but he didn't mention it.

"I practiced these languages so much and so hard that no one would find a thing to pick on me for. I wanted to... pass, I guess? For so long I wanted to pass as all these different types of things for so long- a man, a Swede, an English speaker that by the time I realized it's not necessary in the slightest for my to try so hard to please people, I was too stuck in my ways to fix any of it and just be my scrawny lame self," Rasmus explained, a hollow smile on his face. It terrified Baekhyun to look at, to see his friend who was normally so expressie look so emotionless yet emotive at the same time. But the story made him feel sick, because he was shaken by how he could recognise himself in it. Was he too stuck in his ways to change, did he pass the point of going back to who he was pre-Chanyeol?

"Rasmus... thank you for sharing so much about yourself with me. Thank you for being here," Baekhyun said, meaning every single word. His chest felt a bit more light when Rasmus reached out to ruffle his hair.

"Anytime, kiddo. So, a movie then?"

"Yeah, a movie sounds about right," Baekhyun smiled, liking the way Rasmus' fingers felt in his hair.

He's not proud of it, but as night settled and he was sure Rasmus was asleep, he dug out his phone and dialed the number he had been itching to call for the past weeks.

His fingers were shaking as he pressed the call button, breathing uneven as he listened to the line try to reach the man he couldn't get out of his head.

The line got picked up. "...Hello?"

His heart skipped a beat.

"Chanyeol, what the hell was that back then? Why didn't you call me? Or at least text me? You knew how I felt about you," he whispered into the phone, careful not to wake his friend up by getting riled up in the middle of the night.

"Baekhyun, did I not make it clear that I don't give a shit about you?" He flinched; how could a sentence hurt so much?

"But you said..."

"I know what I said. I thought you knew what acting was, never call me again," Chanyeol spat, but didn't end the call. And that alone was enough to birth hope inside Baekhyun.

"Chanyeol... This isn't you, just text me or something every once in a while. I... I really care about you, even if you hate me," Baekhyun sniffled into the phone, and he could hear Chanyeol taking in a breath.

"Baekhyun... I'm sorry I just don't like you that way, I never have. Can't you really get a simple, fucking clue? Goodbye Baekhyun. And seriously, don't call me again, I mean it."

He felt like his heart had gotten ripped out of his chest and thrown into the trash. They both did.

Chanyeol had subtly lost everything. He couldn't pinpoint the moment it all started. And the word everything may be a tad bit extreme, but is only meant to mean everything he cared for. Or at least almost everything; he still had Mark with him to bring him comfort and distract him from his feelings.

It started when he chose Baekhyun over Sammy, maybe that's a point he could pin down. Sammy had vanished from his life, as quickly as he had came, never staying for long enough to even make himself into a huge part of Chanyeol's life. But he was still upset over it nonetheless.

He remembered the way Sammy had looked at him once he'd realized Baekhyun would come first for Chanyeol. It was pure disappointment, pure pain. And yet, still he didn't try to stop him. Sometimes he wished he would've.

Then went Baekhyun, and as much as he was redundant to admit it, it caused him tremendous anguish.

He didn't want to think about it, mainly because it gave him anxiety to do so.

He knew for a fact that he could have handled the situation better, he wasn't a complete moron.

But when Baekhyun was threatened, he had no choice but to make things miserable for the both of them. And it sucked.

He was so alone, so scared of the future that he didn't know anything about. But most of all, he knew that if anything happened to Baekhyun he couldn't stand being responsible for it.

Way too often he'd been waking up from dreams where bad seemed to follow him around everywhere and nothing but terrible things happened. So he fell back into his habits of series of terrible things.

He'd stay awake into the late hours of the night until it seemed like sleep was a chore. He'd look at the sunrise, smoke filing out of his mouth as he convinced himself that one more glass was a brilliant idea.

Admittedly, Mark's existence did make him more aware of what he was doing, thus making him lessen the usage of his vices.

The small boy made him smile quite a lot, and he was grateful for that. Sometimes Chanyeol was convinced that he could tell every feeling Chanyeol felt. Like he'd know that Chanyeol was sad, and would attempt to cheer him up by pulling his ears and laughing.

He loved having someone so bright around, it made his life that much more tolerable.

At first he'd been scared to take on a responsibility like that. But then he figured that he had to grow up someday.

He was munching on cereal when Hakyeon practically broke into his apartment (except it can't be called breaking in when he has the key).

"So, I found our guy. Kinda, don't ask me how it was very traumatic and remind me again why I did all of this for you?" Hakyeon sighed, snatching the bowl of cereal from Chanyeol, finishing it in less than twenty seconds (Chanyeol counted.)

"Because you root for us after all?"

"No, because my favorite star can't get all bummed out before filming. I need you to be on your A-game and if you aren't they'll smell something fishy."

They spent the morning figuring out what to do about the Mystery Man, throwing around different types of ideas. They couldn't rush it, it needed to be a perfect plan before they could put it into action.

Chanyeol's phone rang.

"Hang on, I need to take this," Chanyeol stated, sneaking away into the bathroom to receive the call. His heart was hammering in his chest as he recognised the caller ID.

"...Hello?"

All he heard was silence, until there was a shuffle. His heart skipped a beat.

"Chanyeol, what the hell was that back then? Why didn't you call me? Or at least text me? You knew how I felt about you," he heard Baekhyun whisper into the phone, like he was hiding something.

"Baekhyun, did I not make it clear that I don't give a shit about you?" He flinched at his own words. It was painful to say the words when he didn't mean them. But he had to protect Baekhyun.

"But you said..." He sounded so little and all Chanyeol wanted to do was apologize.

"I know what I said. I thought you knew what acting was, never call me again," Chanyeol spat, but didn't end the call. He wouldn't dare to. He needed to hear Baekhyun's voice, just for a bit longer, just so he could go on with the memory of him more vibrant in his heart.

"Chanyeol... This isn't you, just text me or something every once in a while. I... I really care about you, even if you hate me," Baekhyun sniffled into the phone. Chanyeol took a deep breath to stop himself from telling Baekhyun that no, he doesn't hate him and he would text him if he could.

"Baekhyun... I'm sorry I just don't like you that way, I never have. Can't you really get a simple, fucking clue? Goodbye Baekhyun. And seriously, don't call me again, I mean it."

He hoped Baekhyun knew what he meant.

_I'm sorry. I mean it._

 

Chanyeol walked back to the kitchen, seeing Hakyeon with his face scrunched up as he read something over and over again, as if he couldn't believe it. 

Chanyeol's heart clenched in advance, he was dreading the words he might hear. 

"Chanyeol, that man..." Hakyeon whispered.

"He's Baekhyun's dad."


	30. 6 months!!!

hello everyone

 

this fic is officially 6 months old today!!! in honor of this i have decided to let you guys ask me anything you want- fic related or not and i promise to answer any question.

 

it has been a great 6 months so far as i've written 72k words of this already, which is just mindblowing (like,,,,,, 12k a month). 

 

thank you for sticking with me until now and i hope i will not disappoint you. the next update is coming together slowly, but I assure you I'm taking my time to make it a good chapter. until then!

also it would be nice if you guys actually asked me questions because otherwise this could get pretty awkward


	31. rain

**chapter twenty-nine - rain**

  
  


_ “That man…” Hakyeon whispered. _

 

_ “He’s Baekhyun’s dad.” _

  
  
  


Time froze for a split second there, he was sure about it. He didn’t understand it, perhaps he didn’t want to. He wondered how the hell he’d gotten himself into the situation in the first place. Was love really that big of a crime? 

 

“What? You’re absolutely sure? This isn’t just a trick you’re playing on me to make me go crazy or something?” Chanyeol probed, feeling overwhelmed. He couldn’t believe his ears, was sure he’d heard some part of the dreadful sentence wrong.

 

“Hakyeon, he threatened to kill his own son, what kind of fucker does that?” Chanyeol murmured, sitting down on a chair, bringing his knees to his chest. His Baekhyun, the man had said. He wasn’t a chair or something, was he? He wasn’t owned by anyone, especially not someone who’d kill him for something he couldn’t control.

 

“Chanyeol, come on, it’s not that bad… okay, yeah it is. It’s really bad. But we can do this. I’ll fly out to Baekhyun and explain this to him and if his father does anything with the copy of the contract he has he’ll be facing a lawsuit. You can either come with me or stay here,” Hakyeon spoke but made no effort to leave.  It’s not like flights to Baekhyun were leaving at times most convenient to them. 

 

Chanyeol paused to weigh out the pros and cons. On the bright side, he’d be with Baekhyun faster and maybe his heart would have a break once he saw the other alive and well. But the empty threat hung over his head hauntingly, making sure all of his movements were restricted by the fear of death.

 

“I’ll stay here. I need to make a few phone calls anyway,” shrugged Chanyeol, but he couldn’t deny the sinking feeling in his chest as he spoke. He was absolutely terrified. The threat, empty or not, was there, silently probing inside his head, and it made him feel like it was going to come true any second, not to mention he felt like shit for not being able to do much in order to protect Baekhyun.

 

“Don’t worry, Chanyeol, I have an eye on the both of them. Baekhyun and his dad. If he tries something I’ll know. Don’t come out of this apartment until I let you know if it’s safe or not. Don’t go dying on me, Park.” He laughed, but there was no humor behind it. Chanyeol wasn’t particularly amused either.

 

Chanyeol nodded, not commenting much on the fact that his apartment held no food aside from the kitkats and cereal he had in the cupboard. He’d survive, wouldn’t he? 

 

“I won’t. Make sure nothing happens to him. I want to tell him something when he gets back home,” Chanyeol said as Hakyeon was searching for plane tickets.

 

“What are you gonna do, confess like a cute little schoolboy?” Hakyeon nudged, wiggling his eyebrows. He found the thought adorable, Chanyeol blushing while stuttering out a confession and Baekhyun watching and listening with wide eyes.

“I don’t need to confess, he already knows. I mean he knows that I like him, but maybe I like him a bit more than I originally thought,” he spoke, unaware of the giggles Hakyeon was holding in. 

 

“That’s cute. Maybe he likes you a bit more than you originally thought, too. I need to see the infamous dad-duo together again,” Hakyeon joked, but Chanyeol frowned, remembering the conversation they had had weeks before.

 

“You told me not to start liking him. Why are you helping me then? You told me I couldn’t like him, yet here you are. Why?” He didn’t want to sound accusing, as he was only curious, but perhaps he was a tad bit upset as well, as Hakyeon flinched at the tone of his voice.

 

“Chanyeol, you have to understand that I’m not just a friend to you. It’s my job to keep you out of trouble, and to get your heart broken has trouble written all over it, don’t you think? But now that’s already done and over with. So as a friend, I need to help you and bring trouble back to you. Just make sure you don’t break any hearts, including your own,” Hakyeon explained, closing his laptop and getting up to leave. He had some packing to do.

 

“I should go, I have an early flight tomorrow,” he smiled, sparing the actor one more glance before leaving.

  
  
  


Chanyeol was bored out of his mind, looking at the emptiness of his walls,  waiting for his phone to ring and for Hakyeon to say that ‘Hey! It’s all okay now! None of this was real, it’s just a big prank, and you’re fine. He’s actually madly in love with you, so don’t worry and instead come here so you can make out and have your happily ever after.’

 

But alas, this was life and life didn’t work that way. Even if it tore him apart to be lonely, and even if he felt absolutely terrible. It killed him, to be so far away and know so little. 

 

He even let the thought of giving up cross his mind. Why did he keep trying? Why was he so intent on making himself look like a total fool all the time? He wanted to be angry at Baekhyun, to yell more ugly words at him and make him feel the pain he’d felt as he was miserable and alone, wondering what he did wrong.

 

Yet he never picked up the phone. Because it wouldn’t be fair to Baekhyun. He was mature enough to understand that it wasn’t Baekhyun’s fault. But he was childish enough to feel bitter about it. 

 

Sure, he’d said that he liked him, but in the end should he even trust his word? After he’d used him to get a simple kiss, even if that meant misleading Chanyeol. He resented Baekhyun for a good minute, making sure that his brain got the message. He should just leave him alone, right? Weren’t all those smiles just a trick to lead him on? Every eye-contact they shared must’ve been a lie. But he couldn’t let go. Not when every look he managed to sneak his way made his feelings grow that much more. 

 

No, he couldn’t let go when the other kept scrunching his nose while laughing, gazing at him with so much interest- or had he read it wrong? Maybe that interest had been disgust all along. Disgust directed at his looks, maybe? Maybe he really hated the way he talked too much. But really, all that loud talking and excessive noise was just to get him to glance his way, had that glance been crafted out of interest or disgust. He just needed the other to know he still existed.

 

Yeah, maybe he should’ve talked directly to him like a normal person, but the chance of rejection, or even the slightest look of resentment that he feared would appear in his eyes were enough to scare him off the mission. What was he even supposed to say? 

 

“Hey, I’ve really been enjoying admiring you from afar, and it’s not that it wasn’t enough, but lately I’ve kinda been getting frustrated at how close yet near you are. You’re just a stretch away, but I can’t bridge that distance between us because I’m terrified of change. Also, you’re as cute as the day i first saw you. I’m sorry I failed to do this sooner, but I lov…”

 

No, that was stupid, he decided. He couldn’t believe his own thoughts. It scared him that he’d almost cranked out the big L-word. He wasn’t actually that serious with his feelings, was he…?

 

Was he really acting- or rather thinking- so childishly because Baekhyun’s feelings weren’t as strong as his own? He groaned, hitting himself on the forehead as if that would magically heal his dumb thoughts. Feeling angry at Baekhyun wouldn’t solve anything, he knew that.

 

He looked at the lonesome clock hanging heavily on the wall. His feet were perched on the wall, his neck cranked uncomfortably as he tried to remember how long he’d spent laid there. He wasn’t sure, but if the change of the colors outside was anything to judge from, it had been quite a while. Rain drummed uncontrollably behind the windows and he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to look or not. A peek wouldn’t hurt, right?

 

The man made out of sunshine in its form of rising and setting took one look at the storm and decided that it was him, it was them, both messes tangled together in greys and sneaked-in tones of blue. And he didn’t want anything else. Didn’t think he would ever need anything else again. He simply craved the feeling of utter storm yet calmness as the dampness dropped on their bodies, desired the feeling of electricity he couldn’t stop chasing, couldn’t ever get enough of the lightning as it spread through their bodies with each stroke of loud thunder, lips slanting and hands finding comfort in each other. 

 

Very platonic.

 

But rain comes and it washes away all the yesterdays that had been endured, washes away the pain and the heartache and paves way for something new. Rain washes away the old. And it washed away the last speck of doubt he had. 

  
  


Rain was something he never thought he’d take a liking toward. It was so… wet? Perhaps not, but it made him feel bothered to think about. To think that it fell from the sky and soaked his clothes, made his hair stick to his forehead but in the end, irrigated his face, cleaned his wounds over and over until he was convinced that he was fine again, ready to love, ready to get broken again, ready to feel the storm.

 

He liked the rain.

 

He thought of this as he moved to sit outside, on the god-awful balcony of his where the purple flowerpot remained shattered and the pigeon long gone and left no trace of it ever existing. He let the water roll down his back, let the droplets precipitate on him, pooling at his dimples as he grinned at the sky like a madman. 

 

He was fine with the cascading, was happy that the droplets harshly abused his skin. He felt more like an actual person than he had in weeks. He felt the slight burn on his skin as the droplets started to get colder and colder. He didn’t mind much, because he had a proof, a feeling of realness that he could use to convince himself yet again that he wasn’t a robot.

 

Closure to him was often something he didn’t get. He didn’t get it wit his first love, he didn’t get it many times after that, on things that weren’t even remotely about love.

 

And he was probably insane for reading pouring rain as a sign for him to finally move on from his first heartbreak, but he did. And he wanted to do it with no regrets. 

  
  


And this leads us to the phone calls he definitely hadn’t been lying about when he agreed to stay put and stay behind (admittedly this promise having been made in the premises of him being scared shitless about showing up dead).

 

He knew he had to make the calls, because even if the issue was something that should be face-to-face matter, he was too big of a coward to actually meet up with anyone. 

 

He wanted to be braver, but he thought it was best for him to not go through too much character development all at once. 

 

The phone rang for while and he felt his heart beating with anxiety. The line got picked up.

 

“Well if it isn’t Chanyeol Park. Did you get your man yet?” a familiar voice purred from he other side of the line.

 

“Sammy…”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


      “Baekhyun! Stop running around, where are you even going?” Rasmus panted, trying to get the crying Baekhyun to calm down. The other man hailed a cab, shaking his head and grabbing his luggage, as if he’d cease to exist would he not get into the cab in the next few moments.

  
  


“I made a promise to him! I have to go, I need to go. I promised him, Rasmus, I promised him a forever, I’m a terrible husband, I need him back, I need to go, I’m so sorry,” Baekhyun rambled, tears rolling down his face. He stepped into the cab, not looking at Rasmus as he asked to be taken to the airport. 

 

Rasmus sighed, looking at the retreating vehicle. He couldn’t exactly force Baekhyun to stay. And who was he to make the final call on Baekhyun’s choices? He let the man go, hoping he would never regret that decision. Turns out he wouldn’t have to, even if that statement ruins any further excitement  or scaredom deprived from the situation.

 

Right that instant (well, not immediately, but for the sake of storytelling, let’s pretend this happened immediately) a face he recognized well tapped him on the shoulder.

 

“Rasmus, hi, where’s Baekhyun?” Hakyeon questioned, his coat tighty closed to protect him from the wind. It seemed like it was going to rain. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The room was filled with light as two pairs of eyes looked at his entering form in suspicion. He felt awkward, but pursed his lips as he waltzed inside and collapsed on top of the two men lying on the bed already. He heard a grunt of pain and a chuckle of amusement, but decided he wasn’t ready to talk yet so he kept his head safely buried in Sehun’s elbow, partly on Jongin’s stomach. And just like that he passed out.

  
  
  


He woke up several hours later in a room of his own with the lights on the ceiling staring at him accusingly.

 

A tall figure walked in, shaking his head languidly before stepping closer to look at the confused Baekhyun. 

 

“Sehun? Why am I here?” Baekhyun inquired groggily, squinting his eyes to adjust to the change of lighting. 

 

“Congratulations, Baekhyun you’re pregnant!” Sehun announced, holding Baekhyun’s hand while beaming at him happily. Baekhyun took a second to process the new information before shaking Sehun’s hands off of his own and sticking his tongue out briefly.

 

“Fuck off, you and I both know that’s not how male anatomy works, why am I really here,” Baekhyun said, rolling his eyes as Sehun pouted.

 

“Fine, I’ll tell you but I could’ve been an uncle if you hadn’t turned down that possibility!” And Sehun  _ jutted out his lips.  _ “Most men can’t birth children-”

 

“Shh!! Can’t listen to this much hate this early in the day. Anyway, you passed out due to exhaustion and dehydration,” Sehun told the whimpering man.

 

“What are you doing here anyway? Are you here to steal Jongin back from me? That’d be unfortunate since I’ve grown quite fond of him,” Sehun explained, looking at the guilty look on Baekhyun’s face.

 

“I feel bad, Sehun, I feel really bad. I promised him a forever, I promised him to be there for his supernova. I promised, Sehun. I don’t want to break that promise,” Baekhyun whispered, but Sehun heard him nonetheless.

 

“Baekhyun, you already gave him a forever, don’t you think? He has four years worth of forevers to remember and to cherish. He never stopped loving you even if he did decide to let you go. You need to let him go, no matter what you promised. That’s the forever you can give to him. I know you two still love each other, and as someone who loves you both, I think the distance did you well. Now of course I understand that you want to be here and I would never ask you to be anywhere else. I’m glad you’re staying with us. But don’t do this again okay? I don’t want to have you pass out in my arms because you’ve been neglecting your health. Sleep a little more and I’ll sweet-talk the nurse into letting you come visit Jongin.” (He doesn’t mention that he doesn’t need permission from the nurse, just the notification that they’re leaving would be enough, but Sehun really wants Baekhyun to take care of himself.)

 

“Okay,” Baekhyun whispered, “Thank you, Sehun.”

 

“Not to mention that he isn’t a star, Baekhyun. He’s a human. There’s no supernova. He’s just going to die and maybe that’s what causes the supernova of heartbreak in us once we don’t have him. But it isn’t poetic. It’s awful. Don’t stick with him for a romanticized image, stick with him because you truly love him. We both do, so let’s stick with him, okay?”

 

His eyes were brimmed with tears as Sehun looked at him with crimson and indigo in his own. He nodded meekly. He understood.

  
  
  


A few hours later he did get to visit Jongin, and Sehun left them alone with a small smile on his lips as he kissed Jongin goodbye and pecked Baekhyun’s cheek. He understood, too. It was a silent agreement they had in the room as Sehun gave them an approving nod. And as soon as the door closed behind Sehun as he walked out, Baekhyun jumped on top of Jongin, tears already falling rapidly. 

 

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…” he chanted it like a mantra, never stopping as the tears made him breathless and Jongin’s hands held him securely to his chest as the fabric on his chest dampened from the wetness of Baekhyun’s eyes.

 

“Stop apologizing, I should be the one doing that. Look at me,” he spoke gently, grabbing tender hold of the crying man’s jaw and gazing into his eyes with so much love that it made Baekhyun breathless.

 

“I wasn’t sure if you were in the hospital or at home, but then I remembered what you said about the, uh, last months and I figured you’d be here and wow, I feel so lost but oddly in place and I missed you a lot. Please don’t make me leave,” Baekhyun hiccupped, his tear-stained cheeks turning red.

 

“I’m not going to make you leave. But I don’t want you here out of pity. I really do love you, but please stop doing this to yourself. We were great, but I guess it just didn’t work out. Maybe it could have, but don’t you think it’s better for us like this? We loved each other as friends once before, why not do that again, huh? Love doesn’t have to be romantic. I love you in every possible way, don’t get me wrong, but don’t torture yourself like this. Just do me a favor, okay? Don’t let our past ruin your future. Find love in someone else, find passion, find someone who’ll love you better than I ever could. Even if that doesn’t seem possible, even if you feel guilty because we were so in love once. But I don’t want you to stay hung on me. So please, just don’t be afraid to love,” Jongin ranted, the underlying passion in his voice making Baekhyun smile to himself.

 

“Thank you, Jongin. Can I ask for one last thing, though? I don’t think I can get closure until I can kiss you and make sure there’s nothing there anymore,” Baekhyun whispered, feeling Jongin’s chest vibrate as he chuckled.

 

“There’s always gonna be a bit of something there, though. But I get what you mean,” he spoke. 

 

“Come on, c’mere,” he stated, angling Baekhyun’s face gently to look at him. They smiled, holding a sad moment only they could share. 

 

He leaned forward slowly, huffing out a breath of air before caving in and letting his lips brush over Jongin’s, hearing his own heart break and mend as their lips slotted, the slightest bit of pressure being applied as they shared a final goodbye in a sense. He felt tears falling out of his eyes, but it wasn’t until he felt a foreign dampness on his cheeks that he realised Jongin was crying too. It felt so bittersweet, so perfect yet heartbreaking it felt like every kiss from the past four years had been mended into one, if not for the urgency then for the emotion-packed feel it held.

 

They broke apart with teary eyes.

 

“I love you, I always will. Thank you for letting me go.”

  
  



	32. watch it all crash and burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I said I'd get an update out for my birthday so here it is, an hour after midnight just on my bday wowie, enjoy

**chapter thirty - watch it all crash and burn**

  
  


He’d been touring the streets with Sehun, partly to get his mind off of things, partly to get to know the younger better. And he was glad he did, since Sehun was a super nice guy, as he found out the more he talked to him. 

 

His feet were hurting just a bit, but he figured it was worth it when he separated ways with Sehun and the taller man enveloped him in a hug, telling him they should definitely do it again. He agreed, because Sehun was great company, and never hesitated to make Baekhyun feel a lot better.

 

He heard a flash, saw the abrupt light from around the corner but didn’t think much of it. 

Instead, he decided he should treat himself for a drink, what could go wrong? He deserved it after all the heartbreak he had to power through. 

 

He felt empty whenever he was alone. He felt so useless when he wasn’t around other people, making everyone happy and making them laugh. Did he even have any other meaning, did he even matter? 

 

He stumbled into a club he’d never been to or heard of, looking around and feeling vastly underdressed with his hoodie and jeans in the midst of people who’d clearly gotten all dressed up and beautiful for the night. He didn’t care though, as all he wanted to do was have some mindless fun. Numb his brain and not care about who he was, who he was with, what he did.

 

He went ahead and ordered something simple, something he couldn’t remember the name of after having downed the fifth one. The club was packed, looked like it was full of people who’d just turned legal and were out for their first drink with their friends. He found it cute, thinking of the feelings they must’ve been feeling. Excitement? Perhaps a bit of fright? 

 

He smiled, wondering when he’d last felt innocent like that himself. 

 

Maybe he never was as innocent as he should’ve been. He felt like his youth got robbed, with how big of a commitment he’d gotten himself into at such a young age. He never exactly experienced the casual style of dating, never got into the one night stand culture. Not that he regretted loving so hard and so much at such a young age, he didn’t, would never even dare to. But he couldn’t help but feel a bit melancholic, even if mindless sex wasn’t something he had a reason to miss or want.

 

So he was determined to find his lost youth, whether that be at the bottom of his glass or on a strangers lips. 

  
  


He didn’t have to wait long as a woman approached him, slurring on her words as her hands found their way to grip at his arms.  He smiled awkwardly, shaking her off as he apologized, moving away from the front of the bar as he chugged down the rest of his drink. 

 

He looked at the dancefloor, a second of hesitation passing by before his alcohol-enhanced bravery guided him to the edge and he found himself not caring as he felt someone wrap their arms around his waist. Maybe he was too drunk, maybe he just didn’t care anymore, but he grinded down experimentally, feeling pleased as the stranger groaned into his ear.

 

Turning around, he smirked at the man standing in front of him. He was around the same height as him, maybe a tad bit shorter, not enough for it to be that noticeable if you weren’t really trying to see it. The man had dark, bushy eyebrows and divine-looking lips resembling a heart. He rose an eyebrow, as if to ask a wordless question. The other nodded back and the pair stumbled out of the club, hailed a cab and suffered in silence for the five-minute long ride before they reached the Heart Guy’s apartment. 

 

But as soon as they did, it felt like someone had popped a balloon with a needle, cut the tension in the air, whatever you want to call it. 

 

Baekhyun found himself glad over the fact that he’d cleaned up before going out as the stranger started to tug his clothes off and kiss him wordless. 

 

This is what he wanted. He needed this. And now that he had it, he didn’t think he needed youth. He just needed that feeling to never end. 

 

But of course, he’d never pass down pleasure, not with the way the other male already had him squirming in pure bliss. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He’d slipped out in the middle of the night, when he was sure the man was asleep. Not before leaving a note though, since he wasn’t entirely mannerless. The note consisting of a “thanks, I had loads of fun! Call me?” with the addition of his number.

 

If Chanyeol despised him and Jongin let him go, why not give the hot guy a shot? 

  
  
  


The guy did call him, asking to be friends and Baekhyun would be lying if he said he wasn’t relieved.

  
  
  
  


Baekhyun was happy to go back to Rasmus after a few weeks of being apart from his new self-proclaimed best friend. He was sitting in the airport, bags in hand as he was munching on a chocolate bar. His head hurt a bit, most likely from not sleeping properly. 

 

The airport looked hauntingly empty, but he didn’t mind, for once he didn’t mind being alone.  He felt a hand ghost over his shoulder, almost hesitant to touch. He turned around and felt his heart nearly stop.

 

“Dad?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It just so turned out that Chanyeol couldn’t stay away. 

So there he was, sitting in Rasmus’ apartment, waiting for someone to tell him what the hell was going on. 

  
  


“Calm down, he’ll come back when he wants to, he’s a big boy and he can take care of himself,” said Rasmus, a cup of warm tea sitting idly in his slim hands. 

 

“I know, but I miss him. I’m just worried, I guess,” Chanyeol sighed, accepting the cup from the shorter. 

 

“You do trust him, don’t you?” asked Rasmus, going back to his kitchen shortly to retrieve his own cup of tea. 

 

“I do, it’s not that I don’t. I’m just scared that he hates me,” Chanyeol frowned, opting to blow air into his cup to cool it down just to get him something else to do than worry. 

  
  


“He doesn’t hate you, Chanyeol. But he’s hurt. I get that you were trying to protect him, but couldn’t you have been a bit nicer? Why did you have to hurt him to protect him? How does that make any sense?” Rasmus frowned, taking a sip of his tea, the redness of his cup looking bright against his snow-colored skin, did he ever go outside?

 

“I just thought that if he never wanted to see me again, he’d get over it faster?” said Chanyeol, the sentence coming out as more of a question than a statement. 

 

“That just doesn’t make any sense. Instead of talking to him like a normal human, you decided to be an asshole to him? I get that you were scared, but you have to take risks sometimes. You can’t keep doing this and hurting each other in the process. At some point you’re going to have to face reality and talk about whatever it is that’s going on between you two. Ending this hurt won’t be easy but it would be significantly easier if you communicated like normal people. Maybe if you stop being so afraid, you’ll allow yourself to enjoy things more. Just please stop hurting one another.”

 

Chanyeol looked at the steam rising from his cup. He had a point. 

 

“Look, I think you’re a great guy, and I see why Baekhyun likes you. But I’ve seen him fall apart because of you and it’s something I don’t want to see again. So if you’re only doing this to hurt him- not that I think you’d do that, but I need to make sure- please stay away from him.”

 

Chanyeol nodded.

  
  
  


Hakyeon had ran out only a few hours earlier, mumbling something about picking someone up at the airport. Chanyeol hadn't paid much attention to him, figuring he was just talking to some friend of his, and to be honest he didn’t care all that much.

 

This left Chanyeol alone with Rasmus, getting to know the other while Hakyeon was out. Quite quickly he understood why Baekhyun liked his company so much. The man was so calm, so understanding and patient with everyone without making them feel like children. It was spectacular, really.

 

He was easy to open up to, too. It felt like he’d known the other for forever, which made it easy for him to share all his thoughts with him.

 

“I guess I’m scared that my feelings aren’t real? Or that they’re not what I thought they were and I’ve messed everything up,” said Chanyeol, looking at the movie playing on the tv. What even was it? He didn’t understand a word. 

 

Rasmus stopped for a moment, as if to think. Quickly he stood up, marched up to Chanyeol and pecked his cheek. 

 

Said man froze, body stiff as his wide eyes searched for an explanation, and what about Baekhyun?

 

“W-why did you do that?” he inquired, swallowing down the rest of his words,  _ why can I only think of him. _

 

“What was your first thought when I kissed you? Other than what the fuck a stranger just kissed me. What was it?” There was no readable expression on the shorter man’s face. Chanyeol didn’t see a point in answering, but he had no reason not to.

 

“I… Him. I thought of him. I thought of Baekhyun and what he’d say. I thought of what it would feel like if it was his lips again instead of yours. I thought of how much I miss him and want him here with me so I can kiss his cheek too,” Chanyeol admitted, looking at the wall next to him and fumbling with his arms. 

 

Rasmus smiled sweetly, ruffling the taller’s hair, even if it was a task and a half with the height difference. 

 

“I don’t think you need to worry about your feelings being faux. Just don’t break his heart again, okay?” They shared a smile, and Chanyeol felt as if he had been accepted into both Baekhyun’s and Rasmus’ life. Amazing. 

 

“Yeah, I’d never do that intentionally. Never again, I promise,” Chanyeol assured, all toothy and disheveled and  _ handsome. _

 

“Just invite me to your wedding, okay, I’ll abuse the buffet. Please get a buffet,” Rasmus joked (but only halfly, because who would pass on free food?) and nudged Chanyeol’s side.

 

“Oh my god, we’re not getting married,” Chanyeol groaned, hiding his face behind his hands. What did he do wrong in his past life to deserve this kind of treatment?

 

“I mean I’m not saying you should but you’d get free gifts even if the party sucks? And you’d Get to have fun with your friends? You don’t even need to sign the papers and you could just tell everyone you got married but take the paperwork out the equation so you’re not together in law? You could still register as a couple and hold a wedding party anyway and you’d get gifts from family and friends, wonderful,” Rasmus explained, as if he was proposing some wild scheme. 

 

“And, you know, love too I guess,” he scoffed, throwing a weird looking candy into his mouth.

 

“You’re quite the personality, you know. You’ve really put some thought into this haven’t you?” Chanyeol asked, watching as Rasmus vinced before getting this amused look on his face.

 

“My university girlfriend and I scammed our relatives with that. I mean we didn’t really scam all that much, we talked about getting married on a few occasions for real, so I guess we were kinda serious about it but mainly we just wanted free stuff. Worked out greatly, I got the blender in the kitchen from my gran. We split the gifts after we broke up,” Rasmus said, like it was the most casual thing ever. Chanyeol was dumbfounded. 

 

“What? It’s a great plan! Besides, it was super fun! You’re just jealous because my brain works in incredible ways,”Rasmus teased, and once again Chanyeol wondered how he managed to be witty whilst still maintaining his calm aura. 

 

“Hmm, it is, it really is,” Chanyeol nodded, “But we’re not doing that.”

 

“Your loss.”

 

“Yeah, right.”

  
  
  
  


By the time Baekhyun comes through the front door, the night has transformed into a mess of darkness and traffic lights. Hakyeon had helped him with his baggage, keeping up the slight smalltalk before giving up and letting Baekhyun rest from his flight.

 

Baekhyun peeks into the living area, grinning as he sees Rasmus sat there, earphones plugged in as he was intensely focused on something on his laptop screen. Not being able to wait longer, Baekhyun dove into his friend’s lap, hoping the laptop would remain intact. 

 

“Baekhyun, I swear…” he grunted, but laughed afterwards nonetheless. “I’m glad you’re back.” He smiled. 

 

“I saw my dad today. Or yesterday? I don’t know, time can be confusing sometimes. It was great,  we got coffee and talked, I’m really happy, I’ve missed him a lot. Anyway, glad to be back here, sugarplum,” Baekhyun purred, snaking his hands around his friend.

 

“Hmm, obviously. Can you move a bit though, I’m doing something super important right now,” Rasmus spoke, but didn’t really mind the wild Baekhyun in his lap.

 

“But you’re… you’re watching Tokyo Ghoul,” Baekhyun pointed out, making Rasmus scoff.

 

“It’s… important, okay, I might actually feel motivated to do some work after this,” assured Rasmus. And just as Baekhyun barked out a laugh, Chanyeol walked in from the kitchen.

 

“What’s he doing here?”

  
  
  
  
  


Chanyeol should’ve expected the response, really, but hearing Baekhyun’s mouth pronounce those words, he felt like he’d gotten all the air blown out of him.

 

Obviously, he wouldn’t be jumping up and down from happiness, and he didn’t know what he was expecting, really, but this wasn’t it. 

 

“I think you two should talk, I’ll be in the kitchen if things get too bad, kay?” he heard Rasmus say, but all he could focus on was the look of sadness on Baekhyun’s face. 

 

Once Rasmus was out of the room (admittedly after patting Baekhyun’s hair fondly and giving Chanyeol a meaningful look), Chanyeol opened his mouth. Only he didn’t know what to say. So he said the first thing that came to his mind.

 

“You’re wearing the hoodie I gave you.”

 

It’s such a small thing, but it has the both of them freezing. What can one even reply to that?

 

“What do you want, Chanyeol? What can I do for you?” Chanyeol hated how defeated he sounded. Please, stop hurting. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol spoke softly. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean any of it, I just wanted to protect you, Baekhyun. I care about you, a lot, I like you so much that it scares me and I realize that it doesn’t make what I said better, but I want you to know that, even if I don’t deserve you trusting my word. I’m sorry, I am,” Chanyeol said, trying to get some sort of connection between them but Baekhyun doesn’t look at him, keeping his eyes glued to the carpet. 

 

“I… I want to believe you, I do. But how can I do that when I have no idea what I’m supposed to be protected from? Not to mention I don’t need protection, I can manage on my own, I’m not a baby,” Baekhyun scoffed. 

 

“I know you’re not a baby. I just really want you to stay safe at all times, is that so horrible of me?”

 

“Maybe if I knew what the hell this was about, I’d be able to understand. But you won’t tell me, so how am I supposed to trust anything you say?” 

 

“I’m sorry. Just… it’s your dad. He came up to me a while back and basically told me that if I didn’t back off he’d kill me. And you. And that’s not a chance I could take so I decided that if I got you to hate me, you’d be fine without me, you’d be safe. Please understand,” Chanyeol plead, really hoping that Baekhyun would look at him so he could know how he was feeling, if he looked disgusted, hurt, annoyed. 

 

“Stop fucking lying to me and tell me the damn truth,” Baekhyun demanded, finally looking at Chanyeol with bloodshot eyes. He felt awful.

 

“I’m telling you the truth!” Chanyeol insisted, desperate to go up to Baekhyun and just simply hug him so the both of them could just stop hurting.

 

“No you’re not, stop lying! I’m done, I’m sorry but I can’t keep doing this, please leave me alone. Now,” Baekhyun stated quietly, but it sent chills down Chanyeol’s spine.

 

“Baekhyun…”

 

“Now, Chanyeol. Please go. I don’t want to say something that I won’t mean and hurt you. So please, leave me alone, I’m only asking that much of you.”

 

“Please, just believe me. I promise I’m not lying to you, I wouldn’t do that to you. I know you may hate me and that you don’t trust me, but I swear that I would never do that t o you on purpose. I really like you, don’t you know that?” 

 

“Go, please.” 

 

“Okay. Bye, Baekhyun. I lov- I hope you’ll trust me again some day. Goodbye.”

  
  
  


It was a dumb move on his part, with having nowhere to go to in the dead of the night, in a city he didn’t know well at all.

 

And Baekhyun felt bad for him, or so it seemed when he ran after him and told him not to freeze himself outside, and instead come inside to warm up and sleep on the couch. Chanyeol knew Rasmus and Hakyeon had forced Baekhyun to retrieve Chanyeol, but he still felt warm on the inside because of it. 

  
  
  


He wasn’t sure what time it was when he woke up, but once he did, he felt the change in the atmosphere. All of a sudden everyone was way more tense and serious. 

 

“I got a call last night,” Hakyeon said as soon as all four of them were seated for breakfast. “He wants to meet up.”   
  


Chanyeol tensed.

 

“What’d you reply?”

 

“We’re going.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


In all honesty, he wasn’t as scared as he was probably supposed to be. But maybe that was because the man who had scared him half to death just a short while ago was sitting calmly in front of him, wearing a gray sweater and looking totally harmless.

 

It was odd, to just sit there, the four of them on the one side of the table and Baekhyun’s dad on the other side, all by himself. 

 

“You probably have some questions, and before I answer any of them I just want you to know it was never meant to go this far.”

 

“Do explain yourself,” Hakyeon ushered, face never changing expression. 

 

“All I wanted was to get my son back. He’d been so distant and wouldn’t answer any of my calls or emails and I just needed to make sure he was okay and I thought if I scared him just a little he’d come back, but I don’t know, I wasn’t thinking properly, I’m so sorry. All I wanted was to talk to my boy again. And before I knew it I had someone follow you around everywhere you went, taking pictures to make sure you were okay, getting close to you so he’d know what was going on at all times. Sammy really… did his job well.”

 

“So instead of waiting for him to call you back, you know, like people generally would do, you decided to threaten to kill him and call him names instead? What a great plan,” Rasmus commented, frowning. 

 

“I know, it makes no sense, and I’m sorry. Can you forgive me, Baekhyun?”

 

“You’re not who I thought you were. I can’t believe this, I feel so violated? Why did you ever think this was okay? I’m glad you missed me but this is too much. Please refrain from talking to me for a long while. I don’t think I want to associate myself with you. I can’t believe you’d do this to me, I have to go, I’m sorry,” Baekhyun spoke fast, getting up and practically bolting out of the cafe they had all been sat at. All that new information… What was he supposed to do?

 

Panicked, Chanyeol ran after him, catching up just as he was about to cross a street.

 

“Baekhyun! Wait up!” he yelled, and much to his surprise the shorter complied.

 

“I’m sorry,” the man whispered, “I’m sorry for not believing you. I’m sorry for all I did in the past to you, too. I’m sorry for hurting you. But I’m not sorry for feeling upset about you not telling me immediately. I’m not a damsel in distress. I always manage, I’m sure I would’ve been fine on my own now as well.”

 

“I know. I’m so sorry too. All those nasty things I said… I don’t mean them, I never did. I’m sorry for hurting you, too. I should’ve told you, but I was too scared. I love you.” Well, the cat’s out of the bag, isn’t it?

 

“I know,” Baekhyun mused, taking Chanyeol’s large hand in his own, “I know.”

 

He pulled himself close to the taller’s body, wrapping his free arm around the taller. Drops of rain started to fall, wetting them just slightly, but they didn’t mind.

 

He buried his face into the actor’s chest and smiled carefully, as if the happiness would shatter if he got too daring. But it was all fine, because in that moment, Chanyeol’s warm hand fit kind of awkwardly in his, as they hugged in the rain, innocently protecting the bubble they were finally brave enough to claim as their own. It was fine, it was all going to work out just fine.

 

“I love you. I didn’t want to say that I love you too because then it sounds like I’m only saying it to reply to your confession so, yeah.

 

I love you.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	33. something nice

**chapter thirty-one - something nice**

  
  


It was definitely nice, waking up late in the morning, already crossing over to the side of the time of the day in which you’re supposed to function normally, but knowing that they had all the time they needed and/or wanted to laze around anyway. The constant presence of another person was something the both of them were still trying to get used to, though. Chanyeol still sometimes got confused in the morning when he woke up with Baekhyun next to him, and Baekhyun wasn’t as touchy as he wanted to be, partly because he kept forgetting that it was now completely okay to hold Chanyeol’s hand if he so desired.

 

But all in all, they did enjoy the change, or more specifically, the positive change in their lives. Who doesn’t love a little or a lot something nice? 

 

Not to make it sound like they had it perfect, not at all. There were times where Chanyeol had to pretend he didn’t hear Baekhyun crying in the bathroom for the sake of not waking Chanyeol or Mark up. 

 

Baekhyun didn’t comment on it when Chanyeol flinched when he hugged him from behind, or when he pushed Baekhyun away, mostly since he was so used to being alone by now. He understood, of course he did. But he couldn’t deny the feeling of guilt floating around in his gut whenever he woke up and looked at Chanyeol’s sleeping face on the odd occasion where he woke up before him. 

 

He felt incredibly awful, and because of this he felt guilty about not being over the moon all the time. 

 

He believed he didn’t cry all that much, but instead of crying all the time, he felt the silent, emotional pain eat him up, and he couldn’t do anything to feel better. He felt utterly helpless.

 

It’s not like he didn’t love Chanyeol- of course he did, he isn’t a liar. But Baekhyun knew that he himself was too troubled, too messed up to deserve him in his life. He didn’t deserve to have Chanyeol look at him with so much affection, kiss him with so much feeling and hold him with all the love in the world. 

 

It was quite awful, and he couldn’t quite come to terms with anything in his life. 

 

Sometimes it felt as if Chanyeol could sense his troubled feelings, and he’d kiss him extra tenderly and hug him with more attention. No words were exchanged, and for a few days that was enough. 

 

But they both knew a storm was coming their way soon, whether they liked it or not. They had to talk eventually. But Baekhyun didn’t know what to say. So for now, he stayed and silent and pretended everything was fine, even if he knew it wasn’t. He was falling apart and he wished, begged, hoped that Chanyeol would notice and maybe tell him it was okay to pick himself up and stop feeling so guilty. For now, unspoken words ruled the relationship and he could tell it was already falling apart before it properly even started, and it was all his fault. 

 

He really wanted to apologize, tell the taller that he’s sorry for not being better, for being so emotionally unavailable sometimes. Realistically, he knew Chanyeol would never judge him if he told him his troubles, his true feelings. But he also knew that the actor would never forgive himself if he found out just how long he’d been suffering. On his own. 

 

So he stayed quiet, like the coward he knew he was.

 

He was so pathetic, maybe to the extreme, and he knew that. He was more delusional than a fish wishing to live on land if he ever thought he could make the relationship work. 

 

He couldn’t be with anyone in his current state, no matter how fucking in love he was.

 

He thought it had been fixed when he went to Sweden, thought he’d feel better after being lonely for so long. 

 

And the thing is, whenever Chanyeol does as much as look at him with that damn smile, looking so genuinely fucking happy to have the self-proclaimed pathetic man in his life, he was fixed. He felt whole, and he felt like he didn’t have to worry anymore.

 

Chanyeol was slowly helping him, but he knew they had to talk in order to make things work.

 

For now though, as it was yet again the end of another day, he stayed in Chanyeol’s arms, not caring about how hot it was in the room and how much he was sweating. 

 

A pigeon flew to the balcony, settling on the railing before looking around cluelessly. The sky was purple that night before the sun completely disappeared. 

  
  
  


A sharp cry awakes the both of them in the middle of the night. 

 

“Not it,” Chanyeol called quickly, making Baekhyun groan. 

 

“This is bullying, this baby has been keeping us awake all week, I’m starting to believe he hates me!” Baekhyun wailed dramatically, nonetheless getting up to check up on the baby in the other room. 

 

“He doesn’t, he probably just woke up and missed you,” Chanyeol reasoned, “who wouldn’t want to see you first thing in the morning?”   
  


“Flattery will get you nowhere,” Baekhyun scowled, but smiled before scattering out of the room to actually attend the baby and his needs.

 

Chanyeol smiled, staying in bed and glancing at the electric clock on the nightstand and got up, noticing how it read 5:36, figuring there was no reason in trying to go back to sleep. His sleep pattern had gotten immensely better after getting together with his beloved. 

 

They had yet to give a title to the mess that their relationship was, and really, Chanyeol was in no particular rush to give them one. They lived together already, acted like any other couple and were raising a kid together, so he felt as if they didn’t need to figure out a certain title. He’d kind of assumed that the moment Baekhyun told him that he loved him back they were more or less together. 

 

He’d quit smoking, a bit before he made that phone call. It’s not that he was ever addicted, he just found the action easy and somewhat fast. He never smoked a lot, only on occasion, never a lot, so quitting wasn’t even a hard thing to do. 

 

With the thought of their relationship in his mind, Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun as he entered the room, Mark all giggly and cute in his arms. Baekhyun himself was sporting a sweet smile as well, and it melted Chanyeol to look at.

  
  


“Oh, Mark, look what we have here, your dad’s being lazy,” Baekhyun huffed, sitting down on their shared bed before lying down next to Chanyeol, Mark still laid on his chest.

 

“Morning, buddy, why are you up so early?” questions the sleepy man, reaching out to rub the baby’s back. In response, Mark giggled and snuggled into Baekhyun, clearly enjoying the warmth the man provided.

 

“Oh, you’re hiding from me now? How cruel,” Chanyeol sighed, draping his arm over the two cuties.

 

“I don’t blame him, I’d like to think I’m his favorite dad,” Baekhyun stated, gently grazing his nose on Mark’s smooth forehead. 

 

“He doesn’t pick favorites, he loves us equally! Except that he loves me more,”Chanyeol argued, snatching the baby with care before proceeding to blow raspberries on his cheeks, making him giggle.

 

He heard Baekhyun’s laugh from behind him, and this time he didn’t jump when Baekhyun circled his waist from behind and propped his chin up on Chanyeol’s shoulder.

 

“He might not pick favorites, but I sure do, he’s by far my favorite baby ever,” Baekhyun whispered, placing a tender, loving kiss on Chanyeol’s shoulder. 

 

“Mine too,” Chanyeol easily agreed, turning around just enough to reach Baekhyun’s lips, pressing a soft kiss right there.

 

Baekhyun smiled. Chanyeol wasn’t the type to say cheesy things if he absolutely didn’t need to or mean them. He didn’t tell Baekhyun how much he loved him, every second of every day. But it was fine, because even if he didn’t voice it, his actions showed enough, and he knew he cared.

 

“You’re a great dad, and a great boyfriend,” Baekhyun assured, which could’ve backfired, what with Chanyeol’s ego and all. But it didn’t, and Chanyeol just smiled.

 

“You too.”

 

He felt happy. The both of them did, they really did.


	34. just us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a month but i wrote this fluff shortlet pls accept it

**chapter thirty-two - just us**

  
  


The day itself wasn't initially going to be anything incredibly special. It was supposed to be filled with just the three of them, some good food (read: take out and baby food) and watching Moomin for a few hours before taking a long nap. An evening full of domestic bliss, if you will. Exquisite cuisine and cartoons, what’s there to complain about? 

 

But instead, that day in particular took a special meaning to the both of them. In a good way, of course. 

 

Baekhyun was playing with Mark on the living room floor with some legos when it happened. Chanyeol ran to him, kissing his cheek wildly before plopping down to snuggle the baby giggling on the floor. Like any other day. 

 

“Well, hello,”Baekhyun greeted, taking quick, fond and incredibly sweet hold of his hand before dropping it to tickle the baby in Chanyeol's gentle hold. 

 

“Hi,”Chanyeol had mumbled, a wide smile on his face as he tackled Baekhyun in a comfy hug as well. 

 

“Look at our baby, he’s already a year and then some old, but soon he’ll be a small kid going to school! I want to spend every second with him so that I can't miss anything,” Chanyeol sighs almost sadly, a bit melancholically. 

 

“Dude, you know you can't do that. You need to give him a bit of space sometimes. Not now though he needs our attention all the time! And that’s fine, actually, I love hanging out with this little dumpling,” Baekhyun scoffed, making Chanyeol laugh and Mark giggle. Baekhyun tickled Mark to hear more of it. 

 

“Okay but like? Dude, he’s the most precious thing in the world I love my son,” Chanyeol weeped, a joking smile on his face anyway. 

 

“You’re making it sound like we’re his parents,” Baekhyun teased, holding both of his boys close and he felt so miraculously content.

 

“Aren't we? Aren't we his parents, guardians, whatever?” Chanyeol asked, a nervous undertone audible in his questions. Had he messed up by assuming that? Weren't they the closest things the boy had to parents? Was it so wrong wanting to co-parent with the lovely man? 

 

To his relief, Baekhyun smiled. An amazing, jaw-dropping sight that Chanyeol wanted to look at for the rest of his life.(Not that he’d admit it.) 

 

“I guess we are, aren't we?” Baekhyun admitted, ruffling Mark’s baby hair, smiling at the little giggles. Their son was so cute and adorable. Fuck yeah.

 

“Yeah, we’re cool dads,” Chanyeol agreed, pressing a careful hand on Mark’s back. They were all just laying on the ground, in a weird pile, but it was fine, it was fun. 

 

“I know I am, but I’d say you need to work on it a bit more. Polish the good old dad vibes. I’d say start wearing khakis,” Baekhyun suggested, a playful glint in his eyes. Chanyeol felt warm. Like the smell of orange juice on a sunday morning, or subtle sunlight in the spring. 

 

“I want to be a cool dad, not a cringeworthy white dad,” Chanyeol pointed out, gently tapping Baekhyun on the cheek. 

 

“Then you need to be yourself because you're super cool already!” Baekhyun said, with extra cheese, a grin plastered widely on his annoyingly attractive face. 

 

Chanyeol rolled his eyes. Why did he put up with the other again? 

 

Baekhyun grinned and finally got up to warm himself some cup noodles. Nutritious.

 

Chanyeol's not sure how it came to him in that moment, or why exactly, but the words escaped his mouth before he could dwell on it for much longer. 

 

“Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to move in? You're here all the time already, and I just thought it would be convenient, so you wouldn't have to go back and forth between you apartment and mine. I mean of course we could all move there too, that is if you want to live with me at all.” Chanyeol suddenly forgot how to breathe. Where did all that bravery suddenly come from? 

 

Baekhyun had never stopped paying rent for his apartment, never gave it away. He didn’t have the heart to. He clung to the past, hoping he could wake up and find that everything was just a bad dream. 

 

But now he didn't have to. Because instead of missing yesterday, he had a tomorrow to look forward to. Maybe it was time to finally let himself be completely happy again. 

 

“Yeah, I'll move in with you,” Baekhyun said, “Yes, of course, do you even have to ask? Love you, roomie!”

 

“Please don't refer to me as you roommate, I’m your boyfriend,”Chanyeol pointed out, having half the heart to sound annoyed. He tried to fight the smile making its way on his face. 

 

“You are my roommate and my son’s other dad before you are my lover. You are my bro, my dude, my bestie, my… Dare I say? Bff?” Baekhyun dramatically sighed, seeing how Chanyeol sulked after his long list of titles. 

 

“I’m just kidding, bro, I love you, man, you're an amazing boyfriend!” Baekhyun declared, smooching Chanyeol's cheek before moving to the table to munch on his meal. 

 

“You’re really something, aren't you?” Chanyeol questioned, wiping off the spit Baekhyun left behind when he’d smooched the other. 

 

“So I’ve been told,” Baekhyun hummed, then stopped. 

 

Because a sudden thought hit him. What if Chanyeol would leave him? What if he decided that he wanted someone else, someone better, someone who can give him more than Baekhyun could ever give him. 

 

His heart ached, and he knew he was being selfish, but he couldn't stand the thought of Chanyeol hugging someone else, kissing someone else, loving someone else. He couldn't stand the idea of falling out of love again, he couldn't bear the mere thought of Chanyeol looking at him with sympathy as he walks out of his life. 

 

He couldn't stand it. So he wanted to make sure it’d never happen. 

 

“Chanyeol, you know I do really like you, right?” Baekhyun questioned out, feeling nervous all of a sudden. Chanyeol had the power to rip out his heart and crush it, and that scared him. 

 

“Yeah? I like you too? I…” he paused for a long while. 

 

“When I first started liking you, I never thought I’d get to have you. I never thought you’d want me too. I always thought that this would just end up with me stuck in a loop of unrequited love, and that you’d leave and take a piece of me with you. And I guess you did. But when you did, I realized that I really liked you. Not just the thought of you. I mean, yeah, maybe I was in love with the thought of love at first. Maybe I was in love with the idea that we were doing something so scandalous and dangerous and maybe I wanted more. 

 

 But as we hung out more, I learned about you, your humor, your mannerisms, your style and your personality and somewhere during that time I fell in love with you and who you truly are, not just the exterior, or the side everyone sees. You made me love you for you, and I started to accept that you wouldn't love me back. I was okay, because you seemed happy. And I think I was okay with you calling me names and accusing me if that made you feel better, because fuck, I’d be the worst man and the best man in the world if it just happened to make you happy. 

  
  


And I know this is cheesy, but I can't imagine life without you in it. Now that I have you, I don't plan on letting you go. You don't have to feel like this, but I feel like we’re in this for the long run. And even if we're not, I’m glad we shared the month, the day, the year together. I'm glad we met, Baekhyun. I'm glad you came into my life.”

 

Baekhyun smiled, pushing his bowl aside and rushing to Chanyeol, setting Mark down on the ground before tackling the taller man on a hug and crushing him in his hold. 

 

“You… Stop making me cry, you're so amazing and I don't deserve you in the least. You're an incredible human, you've grown so much, you've grown into this beautiful man, you got over your fears and you trusted me enough to fall for me, you trusted me with your heart and I’m sorry it had to be me, when there's probably someone put there way better for you than me, but at the same time I’m selfish enough to be so fucking happy it’s me and you. You and I, I don't know. Thank you, Chanyeol. 

 

Thank you for loving me even when I didn’t deserve it. You loved me when I was a mess, and only now do I realize how hard that must’ve been. I'm sorry I wasn't better to you before, I’m sorry I hurt you. But I promise I won't hurt you intentionally anymore. I'm sorry I took so long, but I'm here now. I'm not leaving,” Baekhyun says. And he doesn't need to say those three words, because Chanyeol knows. He knows that whether he says them or not, it's all the same, it's a given. 

 

And so they hug in the middle of the kitchen, not stopping until a baby’s fist tugging on Chanyeol's pants separates them just for the brief moment it takes for Chanyeol to pick him up. 

 

“We’re gonna be fine, right baby? We’re gonna be so happy! Maybe we'll even get a dog, what do you say, buddy? Daddy loves you!” Chanyeol cooed at the baby, making Baekhyun laugh.

 

“Daddy Baekhyun loves you too, he’s just scared to say it because he's afraid I'll think he loves you more than he loves me! Isn’t that right, Baekhyunnie?” Chanyeol grinned, poking Baekhyun’s cheek. 

 

“Mark, don’t tell Daddy Chanyeol, but I do love you more,” Baekhyun whispered to the unsuspecting baby, causing him to giggle and Chanyeol squak in disbelief. 

 

“My boyfriend and my son turn against me? I guess the universe really has it out for me, doesn't it?” Chanyeol cried out dramatically. Life was cruel. 

 

“Come on, you big baby, we should nap, since this  _ little _ baby needs some sleep. We can't throw off his sleeping pattern just because Mister Perfect is feeling dramatic!” Baekhyun announced, patting Chanyeol's cheek. 

 

“And if it makes you feel better, you share first place in my heart,” Baekhyun stated, a tiny yet visible flush spreading out on his cheeks before he rushed away to get Mark ready for his nap. 

 

Chanyeol chuckled ever so fondly as he walked back into his own bedroom, waiting for Baekhyun to come back. 

 

Soon enough Baekhyun did come back, a shy smile on his face as he did. 

 

“Care to join me?” Chanyeol asked, lifting the blanket he’d cocooned himself in, shifting to make room for Baekhyun so he could join in on the fun. Because napping was in important in their household. 

 

Baekhyun smiled, crawling in on the bed, pulling Chanyeol closer to him and made sure he felt comfortable on his chest. 

 

“Are you tired?” Baekhyun asked, stroking Chanyeol's soft strands with gentle care. He absolutely loved the slightly curly locks, the color and the feel. It made him look so handsome, though Baekhyun would find him handsome no matter what. Even if all his hair fell out, because inside he would still be as beautiful as ever, and outer looks don't matter when his heart is made of gold. 

 

“Just a little,” Chanyeol whispered, nuzzling his face into the crook of Baekhyun’s neck. 

 

“Let's sleep, then,”Baekhyun hummed, a soft sound Chanyeol loved to listen to. 

 

“Hmm. Sleep well, love” Chanyeol yawned out, pressing a tender kiss to Baekhyun’s exposed neck, closing his eyes after he did so. 

 

“You too,” Baekhyun smiled and kissed the actor’s forehead. No words needed. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The night was remarkably colder than the passing day had been, as they found out upon going outside for a stroll. 

 

Mark was smiling sleepily in his respective place in the troller as the family of three walked around in the park.

 

Chanyeol held Baekhyun's hand in his, his other hand pushing the stroller forward. 

 

The night was chilly, dark but somehow still pleasant. 

 

Chanyeol enjoyed the warmth radiating from the hand holding his own, making his insides feel fuzzy. 

 

He glanced at Baekhyun, completely, utterly failing to hide his smile. 

 

“What?” Baekhyun asked, “like what you see? Rumor has it that if you take a picture it'll last longer. Wanna test that theory out?”

 

Chanyeol chuckled, shaking his head.

 

“No, I’m counting on you to stay with me for so long that you'll eventually get sick of me.”

 

Baekhyun frowned. “I’m not gonna get sick of you though.”

 

“Let's hope not,” Chanyeol commented, smiling down at the now less active baby in the stroller. 

 

“I think he's asleep. What do you say we get this little one home, and to bed, yeah?” Baekhyun smiled. 

 

There was no doubt that the gossip magazines would have their family outing as headlines the next day, pictures of them all over the place with cheesy captions. But they didn't care about the public anymore. It was just them, and that was enough. 

  
  



End file.
